Break free from the pincers of appreciation and criticism…

We, of course, love to be appreciated. Even flattery is welcome as there being some basis of truth in it somewhere. We judge and work out our own place under the sun from comments we hear about ourselves. I wonder how many of us realize that this is also the biggest chink in our armour. From a very pragmatic view of life, we have to live with others and therefore what they think is important. The point of debate is how much value can we and should we give to whom and why.

The first angle to this debate is on the source of appreciation; or for that matter criticism. It is a very rare person who has risen above his personal likes and dislikes, prejudices and desires so all comments become by this very nature of things suspect. I would go far enough to say that we are never wholly ever sincere in the words we utter because in every thing we do or say there is always an element of self-appreciation or the need for it showing through. In straight and blunt language this means that our personal agenda makes us say and act and there is some manipulation involved to make others think and behave on a track of our choosing. Criticisms in contrast have always some element of showing-off or/and spite.

My own experience is that we take, broadly speaking, 3 basic factors in judging others. First and most common is the judgment passed on the basis of physical appearance. Our looks are an accident of birth but we take it as a personal achievement and we then judge the world by a standard we lay down with ourselves as the chief example. Anyone who falls within this ambit is one of us and “good” and conversely the rest are downgraded to lesser beings. Do we realize how easily we become open to manipulation because of the credence we would give to our own need to categorize? All somebody has to do to enter our good books is to praise our handsomeness, strength, clothes or possessions and such superficial projections. With this yardstick we rarely come close enough to others and it is too subjective to be of any real value.

The other two factors are our education and philosophy of life. It is easy to understand that we are conditioned by our education and the principles taught at home or followed by our parents and immediate society. When we go out into life we take decisions based on our education and prejudices. Life teaches us the correct value of things by the results that ensue and this gives rise to our philosophy of life. Life is short and the baggage of faulty decisions soon starts weighing upon us. Most of the baggage is from the value that we sometime or other gave to the comments unleashed at us by others. Rarely do we have the courage to distance ourselves from what others think of us. Many pattern their entire lives on the thought “What will they say?” A lot many people never come to terms with reality at all. They spend an entire lifetime trying to “change” the world to their conceptions of how things should be which results in anguish and depression. They refuse to learn from experience or share anyone’s view. Wherever these persons have some hold they impose themselves and as they are not in tune with life truly, they create waves of pain.

The truth is that we should always remember that appreciation is never wholly sincere, nor is criticism. Adding a pinch of salt to all we hear from others is the correct approach to it all. In relationships, we must accept that perceptions change with time and we need to change with them. I would also take the radical step of making drastic changes in relations and business tactics. It is imperative that we neither allow ourselves to be swamped by opinions and comments nor ignore them completely. Take note of all that is coming your way, be honest enough to look within yourself, make the necessary note, adjustments and changes as needed and go ahead with life. It is simple logic that when you have made the change, the past is no longer relevant and should be dropped like a used sheath and forgotten otherwise it will be like a mill-stone around your neck.

We need to learn to sift between appreciation and flattery as well as between positive criticism and spiteful abuse. So it follows that only those who have the courage to live by their own perceptions and at the same time are open to what life is trying to tell them will really grow, succeed and find happiness.

Pradeep is an author, personal growth trainer and marketing consultant.