That Four Letter F-Word
Well, I am not referring to the one that is being commonly used to express surprise, shock, anger, awe or all of it at the same time. I am talking about the other 4-letter F-word, which is about the emotion that we all experience at some time or the other:
Fear!
Why do we fear, one wonders? You may recall that as a very young child, you were usually free from fear. You may be perched at the edge of a high wall, or about to touch the hot tea kettle – you aren’t scared! But could we call it bravery? Certainly not! Being unaware of the dangers, one is free from the fears. So at this very early stage in life, that parents and well-wishers rush in to make the child aware of the impending dangers and to protect the tender young one.
Again as a child, does one fear other people? Certainly not! A child normally trusts that the world is full of angels they want to meet – except when someone is aggressive. Soon enough, the child begins to think, he/she can do anything on impulse and then it is time to tell the child what is acceptable behaviour and what is not!
“Don’t pick that crystal! It cost us a fortune,” you yell at the child. Not that you want him to know how many day’s wages it cost you to buy it, just that you don’t want him to drop it and break such a lovely possession. It wouldn’t be long before the little imp learns to cope with high decibel levels and continues to do just what he wanted to – pick up that crystal – and throw it! So your effort to control the child’s behavior has just failed and the child has just learnt how to overcome the “fear” of a yelling adult.
Time to look for a better and more effective method, you tell yourself. How about spanking? Or punishing the child, maybe? You are at your wits’ end, nevertheless. When it is time for the child to go to play-school, you are alarmed because you have yet to discover the really effective means to discipline your child. But now you have other folks, who would share the responsibility of conditioning your child to the ways of the world, such as the teachers or the school administrators.
Now that you’ve got the hang of it all, you may be wondering why am I, knowing nothing of psychology should be writing about learned behaviour and fear?
Well, I am motivated by some recent incidents of extreme and ruthless punishments which were meted out to kids as “discipline’. I refer here to instances where children were beaten up or made to stand out in the sun with bricks on their shoulders. Is it not time that parents, teachers, education experts and child psychologists got together and identified punishments that are acceptable to a civilized society and those that are not? Do schools have any guidelines on this subject?
Once out of school, it is time to join college! One is not so sure whether your “conditioning” was complete or incomplete, but you sure did pass the tests and stuff. So off you go to college – to have fun! But one wonders what is your idea of fun? If it is cracking jokes in the canteen in your spare time or slipping away to a multiplex near your college once in a while, then there is nothing to worry about except the occasional irate lecturer who might have noted your absence one day when you played truant. But not everyone is satisfied with such innocent pastimes and you may have to worry about what “fun” means to others – especially your seniors!
Their idea of fun could be ragging newcomers – and that could be you! Fortunately, the practice of extreme ragging is not as rampant as it appears from the extreme cases that are reported by the mainstream media. Some college students do participate in mild forms of ragging – usually for fun – and certainly not the kind which turns “real fun” into its ugly anagram – “funeral.” Some instances of extremely dangerous cases of ragging have taken place notably in the case of young Aman Kachhroo. But, after reading the reports about these incidents, one begins to believe that these cases are not really about ragging but something beyond that –bullying.
It is then that one realizes that the child had not been taught about how to deal with bullies! But weren’t we busy teaching the child to fear all along? Did we spare a thought about how the child would cope with fearsome bullies?
Isn’t it time to introduce courses and discussion forums to embolden the child, so that he or she will have the courage to speak up against the scourge of bullying and deal with this menace more effectively?
Especially, when the world is yet to learn to cope with terrorists, extremists, tyrants, scamsters, criminals and what-have-you – all bullies of a kind!
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FEAR can be an acronym for “Faulty Evaluation of Actual Reality.”
Yes, we have to teach our children to be assertive and fearless whenever they are on the right side (ethically and morally). This only can get rid of the scourage of ragging
Fitting expansion for FEAR, Anitha. Thanks!
Dr. Mohd Tariq Salman, thanks for sharing your thoughts with the readers!
but really how does one teach one’s child to cope with bullies, esp if he wants to do it on his own, but cant
Some more acronyms: False Evidence Appearing Real or False Entities Appearing Real. And the remedy lies in Face Each And Remove.
Well, lots has been written on this topic. And people enjoy being on the side where they scare people. Sometimes without realising it.
It is said that Life is meaningless and empty. And elders say that it is reflection, resound and resound of our own creations. So how should we tackle fear. Try Being Good, See Good and Do Good.
Being assertive is all about making the other person know how his/her behaviour affects you so that they get a chance to change it. If the old behaviour persists, the matter can be escalated to approriate authorities. We have tried this and it works!
An eye for an eye is a futile exercise! Violence creates hatred everywhere.
People have sent vibrations of LOVE even to terrorists and got away scot free… Don’t believe it! Better do now…
Fear can expand as – Fantasized Experience Appearing Real. Phew.
I have a fear of teaching my child to be assertive and fearless because I have seen what it can do. My fear is that in teaching my child to defend and protect themselves that they become the bullies they fight against.
I therefore teach my children a standard that they hold to and draw the line on. If they hold to that standard then the bullies will know that there are repercussions for crossing that line. That their actions will be escalated to a higher authority or that they will physically defend themselves when necessary.
Most of the time people will not cross a clear line of standard and they will go else where if they know you are willing to fight if that line is crossed.
The times that I have bullied and was bullied are when there was no clear line of standard on what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior. We teach our children good touching and bad touching to protect them from pedophiles. We should do the same in this case as well. We must set a standard for what is acceptable and unacceptable for our children and support them in holding to it. They may change the standard when they become adults but we set them now and teach them how to set their own.
I have a saying “The line that you hold is the line that you keep” which means the standard that you will defend is the standards that you will keep. All others (standards) someone will take or you will give them away.
This applies to adults as well we must have a standard too. If we defend our personal standards in life we lessen the chance of forcing our standards on others.
I believe in the standards of Jesus Christ, but chose ye this day your own standards as for me and my house we will follow the Lord.
Thanks you all for sharing your experiences and views and also for some great acronym ideas!