Now marriage as an institution is an attempt by the human mind to bring some order in the chaos that sexuality brings. The average humanity goes through this mill and it is the only kind of evolutionary sadhana an average person goes through. Humanity has been brain-washed to find happiness in it – not just happiness but the ultimate happiness. Then religious factors have been drummed into us which are very contrary to real life. So marriage creates many dilemmas. Many of the dilemmas are so contrary to our own life’s path that a lot of pain is created.

Marriage until it goes beyond the hormonal level and social customs cannot give happiness. It was designed for regularity and social order. It can give a lot of happiness but until companionship develops between the two parties, there is no happiness.

I have known two marriages in the Ashram which were based on the necessity of the spirit and devotion to each other. Marriage vows were taken more for convenience of the society and its laws. The marriage in spirit was already made.

A very basic problem of marriage is that people outgrow themselves and both the partners do not grow equally and not in the same direction nor at the same speed. This creates even more self-centred pressures.

I could see the marriages around me and the lack of happiness in them. This was very discouraging. Most marriages were held together because of economic or legal hassles and sometimes because of the attachments to children.

I wanted to try out partnering with a woman but every time I made a friend or reached the embrace stage, the woman’s demands would begin and this was a big put-off.

Then I meditated and realised that I am reacting to the shape of woman automatically. This is something that is embedded in us since the beginning of time. If we focus sincerely within we soon see that it is not one person that we are attracted to but the basic characteristics of the opposite sex. Proximity plays a big part in these affairs of love. Leave two bodies together and they will find enough attractiveness in each other to want to mate.

When people marry they do just this, totally ignoring the person in the body. When the body’s needs are met the real person residing above the neck starts making his or her demands and thus the acrimony begins to enter the atmosphere.

Having realized this I concluded I wanted a love affair and not a marriage. Moreover I would wait till somebody found me attractive enough and love me for myself and then I would let myself go. I was very influenced by the book Mrs Craddock by Somerset Maugham. In this, he says, ‘Between two lovers there is always one who loves and the other who lets himself/herself be loved.’

And I could see this happening all around me and my own experiments with flirting proved that as long I was running after a person she would show interest but soon it would melt into nothingness.

Finally I had the experience of somebody who came into my life and gave herself without question at the age of 36. It was giving all the way. And it was a most beautiful experience. I had many elevating moments as I saw myself in all hues and learnt more about myself than I had until now. Suddenly my own self was laid out in front of me without any curtains.

Then circumstances changed and nothing came out of it.

I even discussed this with my teachers in the ashram where I had grown up. If I had to stay out in the world and not in the ashram, marriage was becoming a pragmatic necessity. But as a practitioner of numerology I had seen that marriage happened only with the diametrically opposite ‘number’. So if I wanted to get into marriage I should be ready for opposition, misunderstandings and turbulence.

Again as an experiment I started my love affairs. I would fall in love (so called) but every time I would propose marriage they told me that they did not feel needed and would leave me. I wondered what was wrong with me how these ladies could see through me.

Eventually I married for practical reasons and it was a terrible time of torment. But I decided not to run away. I learnt a lot about my own selfish attitudes because the feedback from the partner was immediate and honestly speaking true. So first I concentrated on my negative attributes and compromised with my partner at every stage. When the relationship began to stabilise and she started trusting me a bit, I stared discussing her attitudes and how some of her behaviour was hurting me. Slowly she also started to change her patterns but not as consciously as I had done.

Now I can say that marriage put me in a bind and forced me to look inward and gave me the final push towards enlightenment. When all is said and done, the best moments I have known in my life came through my child and I am enjoying my child like a person possessed. Because now my wife and I have found friendship we are having, generally speaking, a jolly good time, busy raising our kid. Her own insecurities do frighten her sometimes into quarrels with me but they are manageable.

But do nice mothers-in-law really exist?

I married out of India and we spent a small fortune on the lavish wedding. However in spite of pomp and ceremony of my nuptials, I was never allowed to forget that my husband married me only because he felt obligated to honour his mother’s choice of a bride for him.

From the beginning, the only space I had to call my own was the chair allocated to me during family gatherings. When I left that chair, I had no personal space to unfold and be myself. Sometimes, I told my husband, “I need you to stand up for me.”

But my words would fall on deaf ears as he seemed to be more committed to his mother and father than he was to me. Talking with my mother-in-law meant facing a very stern lady who disliked me and my husband never understood my predicament.

I recall going on family outings which meant me sitting quietly in the back seat while my husband carried on animated conversations with mother and father. I was usually left out of the interaction. If I tried to speak with my husband, his mother would give me a hostile look as if to imply, “Who invited you into this conversation with my son ? Did I say you could speak?”

This was not a marriage that was made in heaven.

Some time has passed since the wedding. Today I am a wife and mother – but still alone. My husband belongs to only one woman and she is his mother.

The smallest innocent action becomes a seed for conflict the mind of my mother-in-law. If I am taking my son to park then according to her perceptions, I am trying to keep him away from them. Why can’t she realize that she has never allowed her own son to come close to me (his wife) except during 12 midnight to 8 am when he sleeps.

I have built up so much resentment against her that now I want to resign as her daughter-in-law.

Over time, I was lucky to have made friends who are married. Whenever I see them with their husbands and the warm, mutually respectful relationships they share with each other, I would find myself feeling cheated by life.

Until now now ‘Karwa Chauth’ for me was a festival of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law but in chatting with my friends I have come to realize that it is really a celebration of love between husband and wife. That was quite a revelation to me.

I have tried my best as a wife to gently remind my husband that he is now married with responsibilities and our marriage is not limited to sleeping together in a bedroom. But somehow, he is not sensitive to my overtures.

I have fulfilled my duties as a daughter-in law, sister-in-law, wife and mother but what do I get from my mother-in-law? Ostracism and the unwritten status of being an outsider. I feel like someone who is sentenced to stand outside in the cold while looking through the window and seeing the love they share within their family circle. But none of it is meant for me.

From day one of the marriage to today, my mother-in-law feels it is her duty to comment on everything I do as a wife and mother.

Why does she feel the need to dominate our relationship? Why does she hold on emotionally to her son instead of allowing him to evolve into a mature and self-realized man and husband? Why should I be expected to prove myself to her? Surely my obvious respect and devotion to the family should be the measure of my worth as a daughter-in-law and wife? Why must so much of my time and energy be focused on my mother-in-law and not my son and husband?

Finally I gave up trying to fit into the family circle.

Now I never ask anything from my husband as he belongs only to his mother. I have made friends and they are everything to me. They talk to me, listen to me, love me and care for me. I have started to realize that happiness is really to be found inside of our hearts and not in a relationship.

Like me, there are many other wives who have learned to find the road to happiness within ourselves.

The sad reality is that not all marriages are beautiful.

(Author has requested for her identity not to be revealed)

Okay…I warned you.

“What’s with everyone going on about the ‘hard work’ of marriage?” I used to think. “If it’s so hard it musn’t be true love. True love has a meant-to-be-ness about it that’s gotta make everything easier. Like, if it’s THAT hard, then it just ain’t right. Right?” Uh huh.

My relationship with my own self is complicated, how could I expect it to be simple with another? But I was single at the time. My panties matched my bras, my principles matched my big hair, and my astronomical phone bills matched my knack for getting involved with men who lived on the other side of the country. {The long distance fed my romantic longings. Longing. Always lonnnging.}

I’ve done some homework since then. Home. Work.

THE UGLY FACTS MY RELATIONSHIP RESEARCH HAVE SURFACED:

: I don’t know a single couple with an easy, let alone blissful, marriage. Okay. ONE couple: Donna and Brad. But they met when they were in their late forties. Brad’s wife had passed away. Donna was just out of a long termer. Within months of declaring their total and utter devotion, Brad discovered that he had cancer. They fought it with every alternative therapy known, and every dime and ounce of faith they had. They’re still going strong. It really is the stuff of love stories.

But back to the rest of us normal, non-Buddhist schmucks who got hitched earlier in life…

: Most of my married friends have seriously considered leaving their mates more than once. {Note to the hubby of my friend: I’m not talking about you. Really, you’re the total exception dude.}

: Within just the first year of marriage, at least half of my married friends and acquaintances thought to themselves, “What the hell have I done?”

: Of all the longtime wed folks I’ve surveyed, each reported long, hellish periods in their relationship where they were merely enduring each other to get by.

Bubbles burst. Dreams steamrolled. Imperfections and cruelties of life glaringly clear. Crap facts noted. Love stinks.

And love keeps going in spite of it all.

THE DELIGHTFUL, SWEET AND RADIANT FACTS MY RELATIONSHIP RESEARCH HAVE SURFACED:

: I have friends whose confessed infidelities cycloned through their lives. And they sorted through the wreckage to build something better than before. “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to us.”

: Couples who rallied to beat addictions, who sweat and toiled to over come them like farmers fight blight – tirelessly, without rest, because everything depends on victory.

: One of my wisest friends figures that it took about thirty years for him and his wife to simply be nice to each other. Now there is a euphoria in their familiarity. A grace has settled in. He says that sometimes it’s magical.

So if you’re out there thinking that the smoochy hot couple has got it easy, ha! Think again. If you’re down to a teaspoon of hope, envying the love stories on the other side of the fence, remember that while they were smiling for the cameras, Joanne Woodward was putting up with Paul Newman’s boozing in the early years. Fridah Kahlo’s beloved Diego chased skirts all through Mexico and New York. Cleopatra waited a long time for her man.

Love and doubt aren’t exclusive. In fact, they can be the most fantastic dance partners. Give and take. Trust and turn.

Bliss requires sweat.

But we have one thing in common: we both believe that you should dress for your man. I’ve never met my guy at the door in something lacy (but it’s on my to-do list.) I don’t own a pair of foofoo slippers. And ever since my boobs went south after breastfeeding, I had to retire my glittery tube tops. But…I’m no slob either.

European women have us pinned to the mat in the “make an effort” category. They make North American women look like…slobs in Crocs and ponytails and sweatpants. I think that va-va-va-voom we mustered up to get the man, too often fades. And va-va-va-voom is good for the soul.

I vowed to myself when I got married that I would forever endeavor to be The Sexy Wife. I would not let myself go. It’s not easy. I gained about fifty pounds with my first baby. There were times when I was too broke to buy a pretty new bra, in which case, hi-lights and a bikini wax were also out of the question. I worked sixty-hour weeks for months and raised a toddler that didn’t really sleep. But no matter I remember my sexy wife vow and before the hunk came home, I’d whip some goop in my hair, dab on my amber oil, and get some lip-gloss on my kisser. I still looked exhausted, but I my devotion made up for the circles under my eyes.

Sparkle Determination ripples out. Your appearance tells the world how to treat you. When you take care of yourself, life tends to pitch in. When you aim to shine, life pays proper attention to you – and that includes your lover boy (or girl.)

And lest you think I’m taking the feminist movement back two decades, know that I expect that same Look Fine Commitment from my dude. He knows that his chances of getting lucky increase with spicy cologne, a pressed linen shirt, and by wearing the silver bracelet that I got him from India.

Even June Cleaver would swoon.

Marriage is a beautiful bond, but it can have some not-so-beautiful consequences for some hapless middle class women. People will tell you this is your duty toward your in-laws and that is your duty toward your husband – in Hindi so called “patni dharm.” But who will dare talk openly and honestly about “pati dharm”?

I saw two little drops of tears on my friend’s face and tried to change the topic, but she wanted to talk. Two years have passed since she was first married and she has known her husband, Abhi, for three 3 years. Someone has rightly said, it feels blissfully good when falling in love, but staying in love is really the big challenge. Abhi was such a darling at first, taking special care with even the small matters. He looked after her when she was not well, often kissing her on forehead, just to show how much he cared. She could tell him anything, even about those little, silly matters that most people dismissed as trivial and he would listen for hours.

Then something happened to change her whole life. It was called marriage!

Now the two hour conversation is reduced to a two minute talk, which is usually about something related to work. She would wake up early in the morning to cook breakfast and lunch, stock up on drinking water, clean the house and do puja before rushing to the office. After a hard day at the office, she might come back home to see her husband entertaining friends and relatives in her absence. She would find the hall littered with beer bottles, wafer packets on the floor, sofa covers strewn about and a big bottle of whisky in front of the Durga murti. She even recalled seeing one of his friends sleeping, half naked on the sofa.

In the kitchen, the platform would be decorated with chicken bones, rice, and cold drinks or whatever was on their menu that day. Her bedroom is longer her private domain because, on more than one occasion, she has seen two half naked males sleeping off their drinks, while sprawled out on her clean linen. I guess that after two years of marriage she has earned herself the right to see her husband’s friends half-naked as well.

She laments that even after two years of marriage her husband is still enjoying his bachelor’s life. And, to compound matters, he is aided and abetted by none other than his big brother. What does the marriage manual have to say on this one?

Many times the ghreheni (home maker) is expected to be very shant, and samajahdar. But how long can she remain quiet about this violation of her privacy and her husband’s immaturity?

If she complains this he needs to respect the home and act more responsibly, he is quick to inform her that she is not one of the blood relations, and that blood is always thicker than water….blah, blah, blah. She realizes that she will always remain an outsider to the family and does not live up to their expectations. She is disillusioned as a wife and marriage has been a very rude awakening for my friend.

Let’s suppose that society in general and their village in particular had become very liberal, taking cue from their gods, and had agreed to tie Laila and Majnu into matrimonial bliss. Do you think we would have known who they were and how great their desire was to come close to each other? I am sure that after a few years, people would have spotted a stressed out Majnu with his four year old son on his shoulder filing a complaint with the village panchayat about the irreconcilable differences with Laila. Or else Laila would have been confiding in her friends that Majnu is having extra marital relationships and she is left to take care of the home by herself.

Today, married couples throng the temples and bow down to the pure love of the Radha and Krishna relationship. What is it that we admire about Radha and Krishna? Is it the fact that they loved and were able to sustain their love ? Or do we admire that all these famous couples were able to sustain their love because they did not cave in to society’s pressure to get married?

Maybe they knew that the first victim to go down in the matrimonial battlefield is love?

When today’s lovers, inspired by the divine intoxication of romance, are sitting in public places, holding hands and basking in love, it is a pity that they do not realize what easy bait they are for the eagle-eyed moral police. The self-appointed moral police — usually two repressed ladies reminding us of ’88′ in game of housie and 3 portly gentlemen, who have not seen their feet in years, are eager to pounce on them and then sentence them to a lifetime of…… matrimony!

It’s surprising that we respect and yearn for the pure, unending love of Radha and Krishna but when we encounter a similar kind of relationship around us, we leave no stone unturned to demonise it, crush it or distance ourselves from the lovers.

The unmarried lovers of legend and history are popular because our imagination makes them so. It’s the resistance they faced, the confrontations around them and the incompleteness in their relationships which allow us to create and colour the conclusions according to our own hopes and imagination. We can make their story our own without the constraints imposed by mundane matrimony.

These include: Fighting Fairly; Healthy Communication; Similar Core Values/Desires; Willingness To Compromise; Expressing Your Love and Appreciating Each Other and most importantly Mutual Commitment.

Fighting Fairly

To begin, one must understand a basic rule of getting along with others. Every relationship has arguments; they are a natural part of all relationships. But how you choose to engage in those arguments is a key factor in whether your relationship will withstand the test of time. You and your relationships benefit tremendously if you learn how to “fight fairly”. What does it mean to fight fairly? If you are the type to pull punches below the belt, indulge in name calling, screaming or using a threatening tone, bringing in another person for their opinion, dredging up past history or slipping in that sarcastic comment just because you know it will hurt the other person then you are not fighting fairly.

Some behaviors or interpersonal patterns must be decidedly eliminated from your interactions if you wish to have a healthier relationship. Fighting fairly includes, taking ‘time out’ if you need to cool off before discussing issues with your significant other. It also entails healthy communication, willingness to compromise, and discussing matters of conflict without withdrawing physically or shutting down emotionally. Can you touch your significant other’s hand when your discussing something where you feel conflict? Or do you pull yourself away the minute a conflict arises?

Healthy Communication

Avoid absolute language like “always” and “never”. Try using “I” statements that describe your feelings instead of “you” statements that often make the other person feel attacked. For example, instead of saying to your significant other, “You always come home late, you never think about me.” You could say,“I feel worried (fill in your feeling) when you (fill in your significant other’s behavior as objectively as you can) come home late without calling and I would like you to (what do you want or need) call if you are going to be late.”

It is important to understand that we must express what we need and take a look at our expectations to see if they are reasonable and fair. If expectations are continually not met then something is not working in the area of compromise or your core values/desires are significantly different and outside help may be needed.

Similar Core Values/Desires

A critical component to a successful relationship is determining if you and your significant other have similar core values and desires. If you want kids and your honey doesn’t have the slightest interest in children, you want to find this out early. If one of you wants to live in the city and one of you wants to live in the country and neither partner is willing to compromise, this match may not be made in heaven. If you believe in undying honesty and your significant other thinks lying is acceptable behavior, you may be dealing with some of the more critical “deal breakers”. It is important to clarify the big issues and identify if there are any core values or desires that are vastly different and can’t be worked through. If you go into the relationship seeing these red flags and think “I’ll deal with it later” it is a recipe for disaster.

By definition a “deal breaker” is something you believe you must have in your relationship to be happy. Each person has to figure out what their deal breakers are before they can actively decide if a relationship will work or not. It is mostly about knowing what you want in life and in your relationships. Some other topics to consider when evaluating core values and desires are to look at how each of you view and feel about the following topics such as: money, raising children, sex or sexual issues, division of labor/chores, how you like to spend your off time, monogamy, friendship, commitment, trust, substance use or abuse, anger management and styles of handling anger, and most of all do you both believe in or want a long term relationship.

Willingness to Compromise

There are many times where compromise plays a significant role in a successful relationship. If you want one thing and your significant other wants something else, there are times when you both could benefit the relationship by meeting the need of your significant other. It is important to ask yourself: ” Is this something I can compromise on?” The way you choose to think about your chosen compromises can help or hinder the relationship. If you choose resignation: “Ugh, I have to go to this party because my significant other wants to!” versus acceptance: “I am choosing to go with my significant other to this party because it is important to him or her.” Just by virtue of choosing the way you frame the thought, you are influencing your feelings about the situation.

Many of the perceived deal breakers may not be deal breakers at all if you have good communication with your significant other and can talk things out throughout the relationship. You may find very amicable solutions to your differences.

One of the biggest questions you must ask yourself when you are in relationship is: “Is it more important to be right or to be happy?” Sometimes it can be as easy as letting go of the need to be the one in the relationship who is “right”. One question to consider when deciding if you are willing to compromise on an issue is: “Will this matter to me in five years?” If you find the answer is no, it maybe easier to find your way to compromising in that scenario.

Expressing Your Love and Appreciating Each Other

The research suggests that couples who demonstrate their affection and love toward one another are more successful. It is particularly appropriate when you can demonstrate affection and maintain a positive connection to your significant other when in the middle of conflict. This is much easier said than done, but it can be learned and it is definitely worth attempting as you work toward becoming a successful couple.

Focus on what you love about each other.

Catch your significant other doing things that you appreciate and let him/her know how much you appreciate those things. Find special moments in the day to share your love and appreciation with one another and you will continue to discover more to love and appreciate. It is important that you remember what qualities attracted you to each other and to talk about those things that you find loveable, kind, warm, fun, sexy and attractive. When you are feeling a momentary lack of love, do something kind for your significant other by getting out of your own head and into the mode of sharing. A little bit of gratitude goes a very long way. If you sneak a peek at your honey doing something you really love, tell them! Express gratitude in every way possible.

Mutual Commitment

This one is simple yet the most important – you both must be committed to the relationship and the work it takes to maintain a health, functional relationship. Relationships may only be ‘easy’ in the ‘honeymoon period’ when both parties are on their absolute best behavior, there is tons of mystery and you are still both really getting to know one another. When that period wears off, whether it takes two months or three years, you will begin to see if you both have what it takes to make this relationship work for the long term. You may trade the butterflies of the unknown for a shared, beautiful history when you are in a long term relationship. With mutual commitment however, the feelings ebb and flow and the hard work that is demanded to maintain the relationship makes it all worthwhile.

If one of these essential components is missing from your relationship but you have mutual commitment than there is still hope. Seek a qualified counsellor to assist you with the other areas covered above. It is often a great tool to have an objective, qualified therapist who can reflect back and assist both of you in the process of navigating the road to long term commitment. It is my experience in counselling couples that no situation is hopeless if both people are willing to do the work necessary to make changes and work through the issues that arise in the relationship, even some of the seemingly large ‘deal breakers’. It is my wish that you all have beautiful, fulfilling and love filled relationships in your lives.

Simply stated, traditional marriage is grounded in a legal association between a male and female who agree to honour prescribed vows with an understanding to share their lives and care for each other until one passes away.

The legal obligation underlines the need for constant commitment and it helps to bring significant stability and meaning to human relationships. It motivates both partners to stay committed to their relationship through the happy as well as the challenging times.

A marriage is a lifetime investment of love, hope and aspirations.

A day begins at home and ends at home. Everyone possesses unique personal habits. Our daily activities may be a simple routine but it will change as we grow older. Also as human beings, our temperaments will also undergo transformation across the years. Nothing in life is constant. We evolve with time and our partner must be able to understand, recognize and appreciate these changes that come with time. We too must be emotionally mature and and mentally accommodating to allow our partner the space to grow into a completely self-realized individual.

Moreover, life will always present us with financial, health, emotional or spiritual challenges as we grow older and our partner should be understanding and supportive during the best and worst of times. Much care and sensitivity must be factored into any marriage to build up the trust and reliability factors. A marriage should be based on more than physical attraction, a desire to have children, or to please parents. There should be emotional, mental and spiritual compatibility or else both partners will be sentenced to a lifetime of alienation and bitterness.

Much care, and time should be taken before agreeing to exchange marriage vows and both parties should be apprised of the fact that marriage while bringing many joyful moments is also fraught with disappointment and tears. A successful marriage is like a good recipe whose main ingredients are love, commitment, understanding, concern and togetherness.

Ask any couple that has been married for over ten years. They will reveal that a happy relationship or good marriage takes hard work, patience, devotion, sacrifice and at times, heartaches in order to last a lifetime. For that, we need to find the right person and to be the right person. Martin Luther was correct when he wrote, “There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.”

But in these times of instant gratification and self-indulgence, how many of us are willing to work that hard?

He said he was in a hurry, as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment that morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, but he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired about her health; he told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ”She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”

I had to hold back tears as he left. I had goose bumps on my arms and thought, “That is the kind of love I want in my life.”

True love is neither physical nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

For years, unshaved, un-moisturised, grubbiness and such were sexy on a man. We all remember those famous booze or cigarette commercials that we would catch while on holiday in another country. Guy with a 5 o’clock shadow walks into bar, wearing dirty jeans and a leather jacket, moves stealthily to the barman and demands a drink but due to his ruggedness, by some strange equation, he deserves the best drink in the house. As he gulps down the beer and then wipes his mouth on his sleeve, we couldn’t help but crave for him. There was just something about the griminess that made him irresistible.

As we are reaching a decade into the 21st Century, more men are becoming self-conscious which to us women, can either work for us or against us. I mean, walking into a reception with a guy who takes pride in himself and has spent a barrel of cash to make himself look and smell good is certainly a delicious thought. However, this also means, you, my dear woman, are going to be spending time battling with him for bathroom time, slips on Saturdays to the salon and more! But then again, when you look at the final product, standing there with perfectly styled hair, the scent of Hugo Boss’s aftershave surrounding him like a shield, nails trimmed and cleaned…Salivating aren’t you?

TheAsianParent decided to go a little eye-candy hunting (with no complains!) and pick out our favourite famous metrosexual dads!

Nicholas Tse

Nick Tse, Hong Kong’s very own sweetheart, made hearts beat faster when he was single but now being the father of a one-year-old; he is equally as hot with his personal grooming skills beginning to look top notch. Giving most dads not only in Asia but almost globally, a run for their money, Tse is the epitome of hotness!

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt may be in the middle of his fourth decade but he still sets tongues wagging. A father to 6 young ‘uns, Pitt and his ever changing hair colour keeps women, young and old, at the edge of their seat with the wonderful way he embraces his crisis-less midlife. Still the face of many endorsements, Pitt blends in fatherhood well with up keeping himself. Pitt shows that being metrosexual does not necessarily mean being effeminate but it means loving yourself and taking an interest in your appearance.

Hrithik Roshan

The world sat up and took notice of a bollywood hunk guy frolicking on the beach with the most romantic eyes back around 1999. Hrithik needs no introduction, having a famous father who directs and an uncle who does movie scores. Now a father of two, Hrithik still looks every inch the goodness he did when he first entered the big screen, almost a decade ago.

Keith Urban

The appearance of country music has certainly improved with Keith Urban popping up as the new age metrosexual cowboy. His rugged good looks combined with his own style, gives him the lead in winning over non-country music fans! His signature haircut, the long layered cut, has certainly been the talk of the town for a while now and though it gives him the unkempt look at times, it has certainly been a style that has been followed by men, worldwide!

David Beckham

How could an article on metrosexual dads be complete without the poster boy for the metrosexual guy? We decided to keep him last ‘cause by now you’re probably cursing for not reading his name! Anyway, Becks, famous for having his soccer skills, is probably even more popular for his ability to look good in any hairstyle, clothes – Becks even wore a sarong, at one point, for crying out loud, and still looked better than certain women I’ve seen parading in them. Never one to shy away from anything in the name of fashion, Becks is the essence of metrosexuality! The father of 3 active little boys under the age of 12 and a possessor of a physique that would put any single guy to shame, Becks has and will continue to dominate numero uno on the list for the top metrosexual guys!

The metrosexual guy is a fella who can walk bravely into the make-up department of any shopping centre and ask advice on a new cleanser. He can help to accessorise for his gal-pals while totally feeling secure as he talks to his girlfriend about it. The homosexual manual of looking good has been stolen by the metrosexual and he copies everything while remaining very much a heterosexual.

As gay guys begin to compete with the new urban metrosexual man, we women cannot sit back and relax ether. Ladies! If you’re with a guy who keeps himself up-to-date with fashion, etc. then it’s time you get out there and do something. In a world that is still coming to grips with gay men; spot a guy with black pants, black shirt, a brown belt, hair styled to the nines? You might just be looking at a straight guy who is a father to three moppets who just happens to take extremely good care in his personal grooming!

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This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting at www.theasianparent.com.

Oh snap out of it, you’re not living in a 5 million dollars penthouse in Manhattan. This is a $400,000 four bedroom apartment you’re spending the rest of your boring married lives paying off, so you might as well be realistic. And that means a taboo subject among a section of Singaporeans who swear by this: no maids at home.

That’s right, save that money, deal with it, and watch as you work up a sweat. Stay fit, buy something nice with the extra money you’ve put aside and perhaps, just perhaps, tell yourself those morons in Manhattan don’t know what they’re doing.

I’ll be first to admit, I’m not the biggest fan of housework. Seriously, after busting my ass off for the entire week, subjecting my sanity to the boss’s whim and fancy and coming home to a tired wife who ate the last piece of chicken drumstick, there are better things to do in your weekends.

If I could have it my way, I’d change the sheets only twice a year and floor mopping would be an annual event. I love cooking, doing the dishes and the laundry, but when the ironing signal goes bright red I suffer a sudden case of rigor mortis. And just recently neighbours spied me being dragged kicking and screaming to dust and wipe windows. It wasn’t the most comfortable exchange of words when we ran into each other in the local park several days later.

Men are catching on to it

However, not all is doom and gloom. A recent study conducted by the University of Queensland found that men are slowly improving and the evidence is in the hours devoted to housework. While men were kicking it back and taking it easy in 1986, spending just 12 hours a week doing housework, men in 2005 were spending up to 16 hours helping the missus.

Plenty of fathers out there do a great job and love to do nothing but cook and clean. It’s strange to think that there aren’t more men out there who don’t have an ingrained hatred for domestic chore.

Sex life improves

But wait, there’s more! If men are still struggling with the concept of picking up the vacuum cleaner and following it up with a wet mop, here’s a kicker – doing dull chores improves your sex life!

Believe it or not, when men do more of the housework, women’s perceptions of fairness and marital satisfaction rise and the couple experience less marital conflict. For the thick ones out there, this effectively means the more chores men perform at home, the happier the women are.

Many women report greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participate in housework, which correlates with how both parties feel when they make a successful effort to divide the chores evenly. Inequalities in housework and childcare have profound consequences for the marital satisfaction of women, which in turn affects the quality of the marriage for the man as well.

Health benefits

A study published recently in British Journal of Sports Medicine suggested as little as 20 minutes of physical activity a week improves mental and physical health, although the greater the activity, the more benefit.

Physical activity and exercise isn’t always the same thing, the study’s authors said. Physical activity includes cleaning, housework and walking up the stairs.

If putting on excess weight over this festive period continues to haunt you till Christmas 2009, you know you’re better off being more active. Well instead of strapping on your runners and having delusions of grandeur of running the four minute mile, why don’t you hook up your vacuum cleaner and go nuts with the floor?! An hour’s worth of vacuuming consumes 150 calories; now that’s as much as performing a slow jog for 20 minutes. I vouch for this myself, as I run 3km a day, four times a week and vacuum once a week. It’s nice to know I’m able to burn over 800 calories a week. Which means I can afford to pig out on that extra bag of potato crisps.

If you’re still not convinced, then I suggest you keep at what you’re doing while I admire my beautiful physique and sex life, marvelling at what I’ve accomplished with what little effort I’ve put in.
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This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting at www.theasianparent.com.

But things went further. My wife was more than just vexed and showed it. She called me psychologically unhinged and rued the day she hitched her star to mine and so on so forth. This was not simply getting annoyed and angry. I felt there was something else behind it. Again for the umpteenth time I noticed that this became an excuse for my wife to assert her independence as an individual and separate entity.

This will require some preamble explaining as to what I am getting to. I have had this thought floating for many years that though we want closeness, hunt for affectionate relationships and love affairs yet do not really ever open the doors to our whole selves. My education in an ashram made me sensitive to this issue early on but I have begun to understand it only lately after marriage and having to live with my mother after my father’s death.

I recognize this fact because I could sense it in me. So I made it a point to study myself and others more closely. It is obvious that what we consider to be our ‘self’ is a very egocentric persona and not very stable at that. Every time closeness would develop in a relationship I would get a funny, not-so-comfortable apprehension that by merging my self in the relationship I would lose my entity as a person. It was like an undercurrent of unexplained discomfort and I would then do some thing stupid that would ensure that the relationship did not cross a fine point and most often would then fade away.

This experience is explained in many philosophical and meditative techniques. Just imagine letting ourselves go and becoming one with the universe; will our ‘self’ still exist? But it is a fact that when we let our selfish selves go we do feel a release and a friendlier atmosphere builds up around us. But this is not an easy thing to experience or bring into being by mere thinking and wanting. A certain amount of self-transformation is required. Even people who go for it consciously through meditative and yoga techniques tend to falter at the crucial moment. So if my wife gets scared whenever a “closeness” begins to develop, I am not surprised. This is a very unconscious happening. Few would agree to it and would never admit to going through it. But the subconscious has many tricks hidden at its core. The newer generation is showing it more openly; laced with gadgetry they feel secure in their aloneness, even a bit superior, fully confident that they can manage perfectly by their lone selves as if enclosed in a block of ice.

I have seen this happening mainly with mentally advanced, city bred people, especially if they have the good luck to have succeeded by the material world’s standards and their egos have had the pleasure of getting inordinately inflated. These people are difficult at the best of times but transform into veritable hissing anacondas if crossed. Every little irritation is magnified into a show of opposition as if attacked then logically merits an exemplary retort and retaliation. In this mood every word uttered or gesture is calculated to cause grievous hurt. Often pots and pans fly.

I have seen that whenever they feel that they have been wronged and this happens ever so often, scorned women will bring out the “cat-o-nine-tails” and thrash you nice and proper. It is a good exercise to make you grovel and remind you of your place in the equation. You can forget peace, quiet and affectionate hugs. It is a grace that they don’t run away with another man there and then. When my wife is in this mood, all I wish to do is pick up my ‘kamandal’ and run for a cave in the hills and embrace monkhood. Had it not been for my daughter, I would have even done it in a fit of pique.

Our story was something along these lines, and to clarify Mark (my husband) and I have a strong personal relationship, but it is not perfect and so there is some ‘stuff.’ What we failed to appreciate was just how much of our personal lives we were injecting into our business and how this was eating into our productivity, profits and potential.

A list of the tasks and management principles used by a large company, and there are a few below, should be similar for a smaller outfit, although the order of magnitude may differ.

•    The most qualified person to do a particular job, should be doing it: The poor salesman needs to get trained and good, or move over and let someone else do it.
•    What are the aims and objectives of the company?: If you want to make a million pounds while your partner wants to save the world, then factor this into your objectives and direction.

•    Short, medium and long term goals: You must understand each other’s goals and motivations so that you act synergistically.

•    Company values: If one partner is operating the business outside of the values of the other, then the business risks failure. For example, if your top company value is helping people, whilst your partner seeks financial wealth, someone’s values are at risk of serious compromise. This one is a deal breaker.

•    Individual strengths, weaknesses and development needs: In the big corporate world your performance would be appraised to identify weaknesses, training needs, set targets and ensure you work to your strengths. When was the last time you had an appraisal?

•    Individual job titles, job descriptions and responsibilities: If no-one has a job description, how do you ensure the dull and difficult stuff gets done, or eliminate overlaps, i.e. two people doing the same job

•    Have you assigned yourself an hourly rate?: By this I mean, what would you pay yourself per hour, for what you produce. If you don’t know what your time is worth, how can you decide if you should do a job yourself or pay someone else?

What will you change when you know the precise cash value of your wasted hours?

Perhaps you are like a lot of couples who decide to go into business? At first you’re so busy in the trenches that forward planning is the last thing on your mind. If you take a step back now, do you and your partner do any of these?

•     Accept substandard work rather than risk hurting your partner’s feelings.

•    Bringing last night’s argument into the office.

•    Redoing your partner’s work because it is not up to your standard.

•    Discussing at length how, why and by whom a job should be done.

•    Rehashing and re-organising systems.

•     Agreeing with a proposal you think is flawed, just to keep the peace.

•    Both of you doing the same job, which only needed doing once.

•    Rushing a job which has now become urgent because no-one was responsible for completing it on time.

If you do any of the above, do you know what it costs you?

The quantifiable resources such as wasted time spent squabbling or by inefficiencies; unnecessary travelling time and costs; additional printing or postage, phone bills, extra taxes, unused products…

And what of the even scarier unquantifiables such as lost sales; lack of momentum, unused or wasted resources, lost energy, lost the will to live.

If you could spend just one day to identify with certainty your individual strengths; align your personal and company values; set exciting and empowering business and personal goals; develop a congruent business plan AND take away with you all the skills and tools you both need to repeat the process and realign your values whenever you wanted, and as your company evolves – how much would that be worth to you? Later on I’ll tell you about the really tiny thing which Mark and I discovered but which turned not only our business, but our personal lives around. But first, a little background information about how we happened at that point. When we started our company Stormchasers Ltd we just divvied up the jobs so that all the important tasks would get done. This is what happened:

•    Instead of doing my boring jobs, I would poke my nose in to find Mark a more efficient way of doing his.

•     I might decide not to tell Mark there was a better way to do his job, for fear of undermining him.

•    Frustrated, eventually I would tell him there was a better way of doing his job, but in a way that did undermine him.

•    Mark would give in to my suggestions for ‘improvement’ just to keep the peace; but I hadn’t really thought things through properly so the job would get done my way, but now ineffectively.

•    I would come up with loads of business ideas which I would partly implement.

•    We discussed everything at length for fear of excluding each other from decisions.

•    We spent ages fussing and arguing over trifling issues and left the really important matters alone for fear of causing a serious rift in our personal relationship.

If these seem inconsistent and contradictory, that’s because they are, and that happened because each one of us was lurching between deciding to accept poor workmanship, or a bad decision by the other, to reaching the point of no compromise where something had to change.

I’m a certified Master NLP Practioner and came across Value Systems as part of my ongoing studies and decided to try it out on us. This is what we found.

Mark is operating at values level 4 where hierarchy, duty and having the correct system to follow are extremely important. Interestingly, he spent sixteen happy and productive years in the army. Values level 4 people often don’t feel their personal reward is of upmost importance; they crave purpose, order, stability and someone in charge to provide direction. Their management system is hierarchical with order maintained and a defined decision making process. They have a sense of duty and believe in doing what’s right.

I on the other hand am largely a values level 5 where individual goals and seeking out the best way are important. Values level 5 will compete to succeed, sense possibilities for change and find an individual opportunity to do better. These are the innovators and idea generators. The entrepreneurs. Goal setters and seekers. They have no sense of duty and believe in doing what’s right for them.

This was an amazing revelation for us. Before, we had a task based organization.

Mark – retail, accounts

Sian – paying bills, getting customers

However, there are some fundamental elements missing from the above structure, which prevented us from moving forward. After our values revelation, we restructured to this.

Sian – Strategic big picture, product development, testing, focus and system development.

Mark – Detailed processes, retail, accounts, bills.

Both of us – goals, vision, job descriptions, aims and corporate values

Today I contribute the ideas to move us forward – the strategic direction, whilst Mark provides the stability and delivers the systems and day-to-day jobs, which now get done on time. He says, “It’s Sian’s role to come up with the ideas, and my job to organise the chaos she creates into real productivity.”

We learned that instead of him dreading me taking over, Mark was desperately wondering where the structure and rules were. I on the other hand, was so wary of being seen as a domineering tyrant who wanted to be in charge of everything, that I did nothing and was largely unproductive.

An NLP Practitioner will structure a bespoke programme for you, but you can start right now by applying these ideas for change.

1. Create a positive environment for change and development by agreeing to be honest, trusting and accepting of a performance less than perfect. Don’t point score.

2. Each work out your life and business values and describe what they mean for you.

3. Agree common values for your business.  Examples could be integrity, customer satisfaction, delivering value, making money and helping others.

4.  Brainstorm all the jobs that must be done for your business to run smoothly.   Beside each, write the name of the person who will deliver. Agree empowerment.  No poking noses in.

5.  Establish areas where either or both of you lacks confidence such as cold calling or dealing with customer complaints.

6.  Use the information in items 4 and 5 to establish a training, development and appraisal programme.

7. Each write a job description and decide job titles.

8. Set business and personal goals.

Do it all again 6 months later.

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Sian Murphy is a direct response copywriter who works with Alan Forrest Smith as part of the Orange Beetle Team. In addition to writing for sianmurphycopywriter.com and the non-conformist Orangebeetle.com/blog she also writes and publishes articles on business and personal development.

I have lots of friends and their friends and their friends… who are married. Have heard enough stories, seen lives/relationships falling apart and getting together stronger than before. I feel the same way as ex-President Bush when I hear the words WMD. Just that it means something different to me. I read it as Weapons of Marriage Destruction. Yes, there are several weapons which a husband/wife uses while expressing their difference of opinion and perspectives on various issues.

I would like to categorize the weapons like this:

1. Short distance (sur)face to (sur)face missiles – shouting at each other on face.

2. Long distance air to air missiles – shouting at each other over phone.

As conventional wisdom says these are non-nuclear and hence the impact is contained.

But the fun is when ballistic missiles are used. I am talking about NOT talking! Just like this statement, life gets complicated. Situations can be turned from bad to worse and to worst by just NOT talking. Usually this weapon of NOT talking is employed through both modes of delivery as explained above. The first mode has less impact because still there is an option of making up. But when the weapon of NOT talking is delivered over phone (air to air missile), its impact is huge. The communication gap would widen and could result in possible separation.

Finally, the clincher is tipping the warhead with nuclear material – NO TALK and NO SEX. The mode of delivery is (sur)face to (sur)face. This has a deadly impact.

When two nations or empires go to war, they use nuclear weapon as the last option. Probably you would have heard/read in Indian mythology that Brahmastra (Indian mythological equivalent of atom bomb) was never used.

The moment a couple start employing the nuclear option as the first option, remember, they are going down the path of complete annihilation. No one wins. Both end up losing.

The moment a fight/argument moves from just a difference of opinion it should stop.

Think!

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Sundararaman Viswanathan is engineer by qualification, manager by profession, aspiring writer and a wannabe entrepreneur at heart. He currently works as a Transition Manager, with vast experience in managing the support of mission critical IT systems.

What is marriage; bliss or a curse, a compulsion or a choice, a compromise or an opportunity to learn, a joint project or a one-man (woman) show? There are many answers with their supportive arguments for this one single question. There is no point in arguing to decide which ‘the best’ answer is; because every response presents a different angle and experience. We all have different experiences and thoughts because we all think from our own unique combinations. Those who find their soul mates will take it as bliss, those who are struggling to adjust, will take it as compromise, those who are married for a short time, will think whether spouse should live under the same roof or somewhere in the neighborhood and those who have settled down after the initial turbulence, will smile at the immaturity of new couples. What I presented in my article ‘Should your spouse live four houses away?’ was also an angle of those who are trying to settle down with the intimacy of this relation which is completely new to them. That was of course not an effort to present any absolute truth about marriage.

Here I would like to open three important issues about marriage:

1. Do we make marriage or is it the chemistry between the couple?

I think if the chemistry is positive it takes less time and effort to settle down in this institution. But it is also true that the majority has to put in positive efforts to make it a success. To most of us this chemistry is not revealed so easily. It takes time to understand differences as inevitable and favorable. Different habits, different choices, different personalities, different nature and so on; differences do not hinder the success of this institution rather, if understood, fulfill you. The better half might be better or worse but still, it always complements in some or other way.

2. Is time a great healer for the marriage too?

With time our experience of marriage changes. What you think of marriage after being into it for five years is definitely different from what you think of it after fifty years, if you manage to stay into and keep yourself open towards it. One lives about 20 or more years alone before marriage. So when initial attraction is once over, your partner seems as an intruder in your personal life. Those who have found their soul mates may be exceptions, but, generally, it takes time for most people to adjust in marriage and thus time proves to be a great help.

Marriage brings challenges to one’s ego. To understand marriage, one has to face his/her ego. Spouse’s eyes prove to be a mirror which shows you many of your hidden traits which you were unaware of till now.

With time, after experiencing many ups and down, but managing to go together, the couple reaches a comfort level where they become similarly comfortable in other’s company as they were with themselves before marriage. And then only, they taste the secret nectar of this beautiful intimate relationship which appears when silence between two people becomes comfortable, when they start enjoying looking together in one direction, when they can lie down beside each other listening to breathing and so on.

3. Can marriage be a one-man show?

The superficial reply is, NO WAY. It takes two to make a marriage. But, what is true about your life is true about your married life also. For you, it is one-man/woman show.

Everyone’s life is some ‘given’ situation. This situation is different for different people. Now, whatever it is, good or bad, better or worse, there is no use judging. We have to face what is before us and success lies in our hand as it is us who decide how successfully we face any situation. Same is true for the marriage also. Your partner’s compatibility is a given situation to you. How compatible you become and how you inspire your partner to develop compatibility and harmony, is your ability to handle it.

Last but not the least, regardless of the nature of one’s spouse, every marriage teaches some important lessons of life. These lessons are different for different persons. It is better to decode those personal tips and go ahead for something more from life rather than experimenting to find the best suitable for you. Because whether marriage occurs as ecstasy or agony, life is certainly something more than marriage.

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Rachana Sharma has Doctorate in Philosophy and Masters in Philosophy and Sanskrit. She has published articles in various philosophical journals such as Paramarsh (Pune University), Journal of Philosophical Research (New Delhi), and The Philosopher’s Index (Ohio University, USA).