Deep Listening

Be quiet and listen…..
This is the simplest and fastest change we can make to become a more skilled listener. In conversations with others, we can directly observe who’s doing most of the talking. If it is someone else then that is a good start.

However, if we are talking a majority of the time, there are practices we can do to shift the balance toward listening more. The first thing is to notice ourselves talking and not listening. With this awareness, a number of options become possible. First of all, we now have the choice to decide to stop talking. There are many ways to accomplish this. We can ask questions such as:

“What are your views?”

“What’s on your mind?”

“I’m interested in your thoughts on the matter. Please say more.”

There are additional ways for passing conversations over to others as well. Smiling or nodding encourages others to talk. A simple statement like, “I have been doing most of the talking; I’ll stop now and listen.” Is a direct invitation for others to speak. The possibilities for gracefully shifting from speaking to listening are limitless. Make up any that you feel comfortable with and practice using them.

Become a skilful listener starts first with the intention to talk less and listen more. Learning to stop talking so much and to listen is a powerful step in loving ourselves and other people. In a world full of talkers, a skillful listener shines like the Hope Diamond.

Remember that we have two ears and only one mouth. So we are meant to listen twice as much as we talk!

Practice for the next few days. Identify someone with who you often do most of the talking. Now get really interested in them. Try to swing the balance toward them talking more.

Many times as we’re listening to another person, the things they say will emotionally activate us in some way. Their words may trigger excitement, sadness, fear or some other strong feelings in us. Such feelings can generate an uncontrollable impulse to speak, to override what the other person is saying in order to relieve our own internal pressure. This is an impulse that’s important to limit on the road to becoming a more skilful listener.

When we cut people off in mid-sentence or interrupt by finishing their thoughts out loud for them, we’re being disrespectful, and we could be harming our health! Dr. Paul Pearsall, the author of The Last Self-Help Book You’ll Ever Need, wrote, “Stop expressing, representing, and asserting yourself. Shut up and listen. Research shows that people who interrupt are three times more likely to die of a heart attack than those who don’t, and that (relationships) usually fail because of too much communication, not too little.”

When we interrupt, the message we send to the speaker is, “What I have to say is more important that what you have to say. It’s so important that I can’t contain myself enough to let you finish.” By learning to hold our tongue in daily interactions with people, and becoming genuinely curious about what others are saying, we greatly improve our listening skills and possibly our health.

I’ve seen that not only do masterful listeners not interrupt, they are in no hurry to speak even after the other has finished speaking! This gives people time to reflect and sometimes they find the have more to say. They feel that the other is really listening and their words now come from a deeper part of themselves. This spaciousness in conversation shows respect and interest in the other’s story and is a great gift we can give each other.

Practice for the next few days. Pay attention to how frequently you and other people interrupt one another in everyday communication. Take steps to reduce your own pattern of interrupting others. Try counting to ten in your mind after the person has finished speaking before adding your own comments. You might be surprised at how restraining the impulse to interrupt and speak helps deepen the connection.