A son’s realizations inside an ICU

It must be common to have realizations inside an ICU as one is in the vicinity of uncertainty & an unknown world beyond that. I understand that and I also understand that feelings one has towards their parents are usually not shared especially amongst the male populace. So I thought this would give me a chance to express and also understand my mixed and random feelings and emotions as I pen them down.

When I started writing this my father was in the ICU, but has now passed away. I spent many hours alone with him inside that ICU and am putting down thoughts, more like realizations & questions that went inside my mind during that time.

Initially I felt uneasy as I had not spent so much time with him for a long time now even if he was mostly sedated in this state. I had come back to my hometown to be with my parents in their older age. If time permitted we used to talk about my children and other things pertaining to family and general issues. But a lot of time together was spent with me on my mobile or doing my work, i.e. without any proper interaction.

My memory took me back to my much younger days. I remembered once when I was about 6, my father had gone on an overnight tour and I just forgot all about it. I had sketched a picture of a car the way he had taught me and in the evening I started waiting for him outside home at his usual time of arrival from office. Then the wait grew longer as he wouldn’t show up, so I went in and asked ma why dad was not coming and she told me that he was on tour and would only come next day. And my world went totally blank and how I had hated him for not being there in one of my moments of triumph which was his very gift.

Another instance that is strongly etched was when he was dropping us at the railway station for graqndpa’s place to spend summer holidays. As we were saying our goodbyes I started to have this empty feeling about why pa was not accompanying us. My little mind got into its own mature thought process that dad does so much for us and when it came to holidaying he was not a part of it as he can’t get that long a leave. The situation just got to me and I just got into a sulky mood with tears filling my eyes as the train left the station.

I had wanted to share all good moments with dad while young. I wonder when and what happened that a free spirited communication was lost between us as I grew older. Was it his perspectives on what and how I wanted to do things that held me back or is it how I took it?

In the calm of ICU I could recall how he would race his ‘Lambretta’ scooter and later ‘Priya’ scooter to a high speed just for me with me standing in the front as the gushes of air hit me and moisten my eyes. The pride I feel in saying that I have been driving since I was in 4th standard was again instilled by him by letting me hold the steering wheel of his official jeep while I sat in his lap as he parked it inside the garage.

Why were these moments hitting me so hard now when they were inside me always? Isn’t this what all parents are supposed to do? Give their all to their children today in bringing them up and feeling the unsaid fulfilment with a complete detachment from tomorrow. Small things like dressing them up for school, being present at the important events, guiding and pulling them out of negativity in case of failures, being close, feeling and loving while in pain due to cuts and bruises from falling off the bicycle or a little fever are numerous such events that are forgotten so easily.

I still remember the way he would take me in his arms and keep me close to his heart. In ICU while supporting him to sit straight to take a burp or while sponging his body or while I held his hand during his wheezing, I wondered when and why did we get in to an unsaid agreement not to touch each other the way we used to. I felt a new thrill and completeness in being this close to him and didn’t want to miss a single opportunity of holding him.

I started getting perturbed and frustrated on losing so much time while he was well and taking him for granted. By my side was the man who had been my Hero in various ways and given me all his love and attention. I was not thinking about how I would ever repay him as I knew I have to pass it on to my children. But I was thinking if I’ll get a chance to thank him and will I ever be able to thank him enough for everything he’s done. I knew this is my chance to give back a small part of it and thank God for that.