The Parent Trap

I am not a professional expert on perfect parenting, so this article is not about how to bring up a child. This is not advice on how to become good parents. I am simply describing a few experiences which my friends, relatives and I have had as parents over the years. If the person reading this sits back and thinks about it for even for a few minutes, I think my purpose will be achieved.

As parents what do we want for our kids? Of course we want “The best for them” right? But best for whom – for them or for us as parents? My heart bleeds when I read about young kids committing suicide or becoming depressed over issues like not winning a competition, not scoring high enough in an examination, not having a fair complexion, or being unfavourably compared to high achievers.

Where do these expectations and standards come from? When a friend of mine tells me that her 7 year old who is scoring 93 in mathematics was not doing well enough, or another friend enrolls her kid in 6 different extra classes, I feel like shaking them and saying, “Please stop it, because you are breeding your own fears in that poor child!”

My father wanted me to be the above 90% scorer, choose science, go to the best colleges, become a cost accountant, have a government job and be a working woman. Instead, I was an above 75% scorer, chose commerce, went to the second best colleges, left my cost accountancy training before completion, became a MBA, turned down 2 government jobs, became a full time mother and part time teacher.

If you ask me, were these decisions easy to make, I would say, “No!” But I wish it had been easier for me to walk along my chosen path. It would have been if there were fewer arguments, lectures and comparisons with others.

My friend tells her young son that he should always be a rank holder in his class. Another one does not let her daughter learn dance (when the kid loves it), saying that her scores would fall down. I am a teacher to mostly 16 -19 year olds, who are all on the threshold of entering adulthood.

One of my students was dark skinned with long, wavy hair, beautiful eyes, sharp features and a brain to match. She was a gem. She came up to me once to share her concern. Her mother would never let her step out in the sun for too long, or spend time with her friends outside and would buy her bleaching creams to use on her face. All because her mother wanted her to be fairer and not get any darker by standing in the sun. I could see that my student was losing her self-esteem and confidence because she felt she was not good enough in the eyes of her mother.

I think by now, we all know where I am heading with my conclusions!

Children who are expected to live up to unreasonable parental expectations:

1) May become timid adults who cannot make decisions and are always unsure about their abilities.
2) May suffer more peer pressure at school, college and work place, because they are not used to speaking their mind and therefore keep their emotions and thoughts bottled up.
3) May not be in a position to speak about the issues to their friends as it could mean speaking about their parents in a negative manner, which is frowned upon in our society.
4) May end up hating their parents and become difficult parents themselves, as they unconsciously carry the vicious cycle into the next generation.
5) Will lash out and choose their own paths often with tragic or painful consequences.

So, as parents what can we do or rather what should we do? Maybe a few pointers would help:

1) Help your child to smell the flowers, see the blue sky, take in the green plants. Our world is very fast, busy and selfish. Help him to see the peace and serenity as well.
2) Hug them and say often, “No matter what you do, we will always follow you and support you. In the process we might reprimand you, but you are always welcome home.”
3) In any decision making situation, help your child do a SWOT analysis. It will help him to understand his own Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It will make him understand the pros and cons of each situation, and most probably he will come up with the right choice.
4) At the end of the day, it’s his life, and he should be happy doing whatever he does in his life. Make each learning process a positive experience, which will have its ups and downs. You can make him feel that it’s okay to fail at times, and it just means that success is a few steps ahead.
5) Home is warm place to talk about his fears and talk his heart out. He will always be eager to come back regardless of what happens in his life outside the home.
6) Accept you child unconditionally and nurture him from this point on.

Like I said, I am no expert at parenting issues, and every passing day is a learning experience for me as well. But there is one constant at work in the whole parenting equation – you should make every effort to be a sensitive mother or father and avoid the tendency to live out your own ambitions through your kids.