I came back home with a great deal of food for thought. Until now I had not considered the possibility of a ‘special’ relationship between daughters and mothers. I always gave credit to an individual’s ‘heart’ skills more than their ‘gender’, for maintaining good relationships. I considered this ‘son or daughter’ fixation as more of a cultural phenomenon and the effect of our social conditioning. But now I gave some thought to my own role as a daughter, and the complexities of this beautiful relationship between a mother and a daughter.

When a baby girl is born, the mother feels an instant connection with her. As she grows into a toddler and a pre-schooler, her mother is her ‘hero’. As she enters school, some of the mother’s glory gets transferred to her class teacher. Of course, you, as mother, don’t resent that. You know that the bond between a mother and a daughter is indeed very unique, and nothing can ever break it. But once your daughter grows up and becomes her own person, this bond is often tested to its limits.

Yes, it remains the most complex of all relationships. Despite mothers and daughters sharing a special bond, there are some complex emotions that play a role in this sacred bond. These are emotions of resentment, competition (yes, sir, that too!), and of course, love. Mothers and daughters remain friends most of the times but they can be bitter enemies as well. What evokes such strong emotions in this simple relationship?

Most girls are labelled as ‘papa’s girls’ when they are growing up. I do not know why or how this belief got propagated. This label itself sows the seeds of dissent, and competition. Now the mother has to compete for her daughter’s father’s affection; not forgetting that ‘papa’s girl’ has the first claim on it. Why do you think this relationship gets so complicated?

Mothers and daughters definitely spend more time with each other than mothers do with their sons or for that matter, daughters with their fathers. They definitely talk more. They discuss personal topics. This presupposes that they must be close, but the fact remains that too much of interaction, that too of personal nature, breeds contempt. They also risk offending each other all the more.

Let us look at the flash points in a mother-daughter relationship.

Women are generally judged by how they look, and mothers are judged by how their daughters look; so appearance, clothes, weight, and hair-dos become an area of dissent between mothers and daughters.

Mothers always see their daughters as little girls and want to save them from all the bad wolves of this world. Daughters resent this protective behaviour. They consider their mothers as control freaks.

Whenever mothers offer any (motherly) advice, or suggest improvements in wardrobes, hairstyles, or looks, daughters smell a rat and see implied criticism in everything that is said (or left unsaid). Mothers think that they correct their daughters because they care for their daughters; daughters think that mothers just need an excuse to criticize. The resulting tension often spills over for days on end.

If daughters sense disapproval, they won’t hesitate in keeping secrets from their mother. They feel powerful by withholding information. This sows the seeds for further dissent, and the domino’s effect carries on.

Now, what is the magic formula to make a perfect mother-daughter bond? Seeing things from the other party’s point of view always works wonders. Using praise from time to time is another sure winner. Humour, of course, works each and every time, without fail. However, one important tool remains: role play. Teaching a daughter ‘how to mother’ is an important part of growing up. Dolls come handy here, but even younger siblings do as well. Because the mother-daughter relationship is a contextual background for how daughters learn to parent, this tool remains pretty important!
Telling your daughter (and vice versa) that you love her keeps you connected with her. Girls especially love to receive ‘I love you’ notes and cards from their parents. A written note is very special as it can be read again and again.

All mothers want their daughters to grow into loving, respectable, and independent adults and teach them good work ethics and family values. Mothering does not stop when your daughter becomes a young adult; it just changes form. You need to still love and guide your daughter but in an adult way. She needs encouragement and affirming to keep her self-confidence and self-esteem high. Let your daughter know that she is loved and respected.

Loving a daughter doesn’t mean that you have to give in to all her whims. To love her is to bring out the best in her. Your daughter will always remain inside of you, as she shares your genetics, but more important is the fact that you nurtured her heart (and vice versa), and provided the best model of what it is to be a woman in this world.

Only when your relationship with your daughter is friendly can you enjoy the precious treasure of being a mother. Parenting is a tough job. It is a continuous challenge. No parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Mothers, fathers alike.

I love this quote by actress Bette Davies, ‘If you’ve never been hated by your daughter, you have never been a mother!’

Chitra Jha is a life skills coach and past life regresson therapist.

Most of us take our role as a parent too seriously. We feel completely responsible for our offspring’s welfare. We consider it our duty to guide them in all aspects of their lives. After all we are the parents; we know what is best for our children. If we will not guide them, who will? All these arguments are well-intentioned and I have no issues with these. But in our desire to do the best for our children, we forget to give them ample doses of love, affection, and understanding. We think that too much love would spoil them. We believe in discipline more than understanding.

In my view, all that we parents ever need to do is to provide generous dollops of love and acceptance to our children. In the absence of a warm and loving atmosphere, no child can ever achieve her full potential. Even discipline does not really work in a hostile environment. In my practice as a life skills coach, I come across individuals with low self-esteem, which stems from their childhood. Unless the home atmosphere is warm, caring, safe, protective, and friendly, a child can not be self-confident. And as you well know, self-esteem is the most critical factor in achieving success in life.

When we like ourselves for what we are, we are more likely to work hard and achieve more. Observe your children. Your encouraging, loving words are their biggest motivators. The moment you put them down, their enthusiasm to do anything vanishes in thin air. If your children are not doing well at school, first look at your home environment. Be objective. Ask yourself; are you the cause of their poor self-esteem? Most of the times, we unfavourably compare our children to their friends. What do you think it does to their self-image? We think that by shaming them, we are motivating them to excel. We couldn’t be more wrong. Apply this rule to yourself. Do you strive to work harder if someone ridicules you? No. You would build up frustration, and anger towards that person. That is exactly what is happening in your home. Pay attention to it and take corrective measures.

My favorite line is a cry from a child, “Mum, love me the most, when I deserve it the least.” This line haunts me. Yes, when we think that our child does not deserve any love because he has been naughty, disobedient, destructive, or a failure; that is when she needs our love the most. Our job at these times is to trust our children and help them discover the talents, abilities, resources, and the personal best that is hidden behind their rough and unappealing exteriors.

We feel let down and disappointed by our children, if they do not tow our line. We label them as ‘difficult’ children. Have you ever wondered if the children feel the same way about us as well? Have we ever given unconditional love to our children? Why do we always have to be judgmental at every step? Our parenting years (and our children’s ears!) are full of ‘good boy’, ‘bad boy’, ‘good girl’, and ‘bad girl’ at each step and after each action. From praise to disgrace, such adjectives confuse children. Their self-worth fluctuates from minute to minute.

Our attention is more focused on the socks left on the floor, unmade beds, badly done homework, bad influence of friends, poor grades, and complaints from the teachers. We do not focus on their good qualities, assets, and strengths, especially when these do not meet with our pre-conceived notions of what is good and what is bad. If we are constantly reminded of our shortcomings, we start believing in them. Our children do the same. By telling them about their strengths, we help them believe in themselves. Their worth increases in their own eyes. They feel capable of making a difference in the world. This empowered attitude leads them to success in whatever field they choose.

So let us get out of our cocooned worlds of expectations and reasoning. Let us pay more attention to playing with our children and understanding them. The time spent together with them is something that we should treasure more than anything else. I believe that our children are our ‘gurus’. There is a lot that we can learn from them. Just observing them is an education by itself.

Are we ready for this new challenge?!?

The first step towards meeting this challenge is spending quality time with your children. Children love to do things with their parents. They feel most loved when their parents make time for them. Otherwise they feel disconnected and empty from inside. So play with your children, do activities like cooking and running errands together. Talk to them about ‘their’ day and ‘your’ day, and see them blossom.

Children also feel loved when you do things ‘for’ them. Make a special breakfast for your son, or help your daughter study for a test; teach your child how to ride her bike. But remember that there is a fine line between doing too much for your children, and doing things as an expression of love. Let them do for themselves what they are capable of doing. Just be flexible with help. Don’t make them entirely dependent upon you.

Some children love to hear words of praise or other affirming statements such as ‘I love you’. Sometimes the words you use can make or break your child’s spirit. Your kind and encouraging words can lift your child up, while harsh words spoken in anger can wound a child. Try sticking sweet notes in your child’s Tiffin box, highlight her/his talents and achievements, and create a special nickname for your little one. These gestures will boost the confidence of your child.

Some children are particularly cuddly. They like to be hugged, while some others do not wish to be held. Such children need physical contact to feel loved. Some parents find it extremely difficult to be physically affectionate with their children because they themselves were never loved that way by their parents. If your child keeps hanging on to you or constantly touches you, it is a sign that she needs to be hugged, kissed, and patted on the back. Even tousling their hair, or wrestling with them will satisfy them.

What is the role of gifts in bringing up your children? Most children appreciate receiving gifts. Their faces light up, they talk animatedly and cherish their gift for a long time. A gift need not be expensive to be special. But do not give gifts to substitute for your time, hugs, affirming words, and things done for your child. Then it becomes a bribe; let us not bribe our kids. A child whose emotional love tank is full will be more responsive, co-operative, and happier than the one whose tank is always devoid of love.

So, pay attention to your children. Listen to their requests. Pay attention to their complaints. Be patient with them, and understand what they might need from you. After all,  love is the foundation of every child’s happiness and sense of security.

Let us re-visit Kahlil Gibran’s famous poem in The Prophet.

Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of infinite,
And He bends you with His might.
That His arrows may go swift and far!
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He loves also the bow that is stable.

Chitra Jha is a healer, writer, corporate trainer and verbal ability instructor.

I have what can be called by ordinary world’s standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when people are planning retirements and wish for quiet and I went and had a child who is now three and a half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be with her all day and play with her and feed and clothe and look after her every other need. It is a full time, 24-hour job. I wonder if people around me can see the effort I have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and has completely annihilated my sleeping and every other schedule. But I have enjoyed every minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose there have been annoying moments when I lost my cool because my needs were pitted against that of the little imp and there is no discussing the matter with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at seeing me override everything.

So you get the picture? Now let me give you another one or two.

Picture one: I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood park. These are chilly winter days so many of the citizens are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and the conversation goes like this.

Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?

ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the obvious.)

Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t believe in servants raising up children. My philosophy is simple: either you should not go and have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child yourself properly.)

ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is trying to make conversation but I have nothing to say really.)

Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you engaged and occupied. (Now this bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests, no work to worry about and of course he sees the world through these conditioned lenses in his eyes and assumes that at my age I would be in the same boat. What he does not see is that I love my child and love being with her. It is the only joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that I have multiple interests and that with my small business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for time and the energy to carry my objectives through. Yet I have been hearing the same comments very often from many many people over the past three years.)

ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to smile and move on)

Picture two: The other day one of my elder sister passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time we met after four years. The truth is she did not come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my mother. But I had to keep the formalities alive so I came out for a moment from my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the conversation unrolled:

Sister: So how are you and how do you keep yourself busy? (I know the question does not need an answer and even if I did there would a negative analysis following it. So I keep my cool.)

ME: Fine. I now have a full time job. (I try to keep my tone jocular and hope the conversation would end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always something more to say.)

Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but then I decide to play cool.)

ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?

Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.

ME: Ha ,Ha.

What I wish to know is this need of everybody to explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a statement and the person will start analyzing my motives and reasons and let me know so. It could be that they themselves are thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and conversation stopper to my way of thinking.

Do you have anything to say?

–
PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

I believe these are universal, so I have forgone with the usual candy-flavored bullet-list to share with you some of the things I learned from being a parent. Here they are:

HOPE AND DREAM UNSELFISHLY

It is intrinsic, “human nature,” to dream and aspire for wonderful things. As a child you wanted the best toys, you wanted the yummiest foods, or you want to be the best in class. As a teen, you wanted to be better looking, you wanted a bike, or you wanted to be the first to have a car. As an adult, you want to have the latest car model, you want to have freedom in everything, you want to have the best job, or want to work less for more.

When you fell in love, you relish how your loved one makes you feel; and you plan for things that would make the two of you happy TOGETHER, and FOREVER. So you dream of a nice home and a nice life with your spouse. However, if your toy, your job, or your girlfriend ceases to amuse you, you dump them.

Do you notice the pattern? From childhood, and until you marry, YOU are at the center of your plans. Your toys, your material possessions, your friends, your career—and to a certain level, even your wife, are YOUR desires, your sources of self-gratification. Isn’t it true that if your wife ceases to love you (or you cease to love her) divorce seems to be temptingly sitting just around the corner?

When I became a parent everything changed with the way I planed and dreamed. My baby is at the center of everything—and I wasn’t even thinking about it. All I cared for was how to give my baby the best in the world—unconditionally. My dreams and aspirations ended being centered on what I want, or what makes me happy. I started dreaming and planning for somebody else, and I didn’t care whether this somebody else is going to repay me back, or love me for it, or if I break my back fulfilling this dream. I just started dreaming for another human being’s sake and it was the most natural thing in the universe.

What makes your spouse happy makes you happy. But if he/she starts to make your life miserable, you want to start looking somewhere else. While the church teaches you to give unconditional love, with your spouse, sometimes, it is easier said than done. But with your child, nobody has to teach you unconditional love—it just comes out naturally, even to the most callous of souls.

RICH DAD, POOR DAD

No, I’m not going to talk to you about how to get rich as how Robert Kiyosaki did in his “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” superseller. This is all about “parenting”—the verb. It is easy to assume that being the “parent” (noun), takes care of everything. It is easy to assume that “parenthood” is a God-given status and no one should question this.

My parents are the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for, especially (or despite) that both have less in life but a lot to give. My father did not finish high school and works as a lowly labourer, and my mother barely reached college. However, it was all she needed to help me become a better student. She was a cleaning lady for a college university, and she drowned me with books borrowed from the library. Because of poverty I became the only “wealth” and happiness of my parents.

When you are raised by poor, deficiently-schooled parents, you grow with hard work on your back. I had to wake up early every school day to cook and do the laundry while others were still asleep. I had to walk to school while others rode in flashy cars. And most importantly, I had to study harder to keep a scholarship while others played.

I promised myself I am not going to let my children suffer the hardships I had when I was their age. I ended up working so hard that I became just the “parent” (noun) without doing the “parenting” (verb). I relegated “parenting” to “providing.” I became the “rich Dad” who was providing my kid everything except my time.

As opposed to how my “poor Dad” treated me, happiness centered on my success. The resulting material possession—and my son, just became a part of it. I was living under the notion that I am the “parent” regardless of whether I exercise my parental role or not. I could never be more wrong. Being a father and a provider are entirely different things.

NATURE VS. NURTURE

Parenting is more than that process of genetic transfer. Just like in any other relationship, you have to nurture it. I only came to realise this folly when I started working from home and I saw how my 15-year old son talks to his Mom and never to me. When I expected him to be glad seeing more of me around, it was the exact opposite.

Now, I’m trying to catch up on lost time. What is sad is, I can no longer take back the years I missed being with him. He is already 15 years old, and it won’t be long before he leaves us. I would feel empty. My being very close with my younger children does not makes my communication gap with the eldest any easier. But this is what I learned, and I learned it the hard way. I’m not gonna let the same happen with the younger ones.

To my fellow fathers, it is very easy to get caught in life’s rat race. Never forget why you are out there working in the first place. Stephen Covey, in his “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” hit the nail on its head when he said “Begin with the end in mind.” Nurture and love your children. Talk to them and hug them every chance you get. By the time they’re older, you won’t have that much chance anymore.

–

This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting at www.theasianparent.com.

Adolescence: The lush season between the spring and the summer!

Parenting is the most exhilarating, satisfying and challenging job, especially when we have to parent adolescent children.

Adolescence appears at a time when the urge of life reaches its highest peak. An adolescent’s life is, or ought to be, full of opportunities to enter into new life experiences, explore new relationships, and to feel the new resources of inner strength and ability. Adolescence is also a time when youthful dreams of love and power have not yet been disturbed by the realities of life. In many ways adolescents live in a lush season between the spring and the summer of life.

Adolescence is viewed as a period of transition between childhood and adulthood. As parents our challenge is to make sure that our children make this transition with ease. The problem with us parents is that we are all amateur parents. There are no professional parents because parenting is not taught in colleges or universities. We learn parenting by instinct, and develop our individual parenting styles. However, the basic ingredients of good parenting remain universal. These are love, time, and understanding. Give these in ample doses and you can never go wrong.

Adolescents challenge our nascent parenting skills by being rebellious and non- conformists. They display a ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude. We feel that our ‘sane, well meaning’ advice is falling on deaf ears. They laugh at our concerns and make fun of our ‘old, ancient’ values. To top it all, we need to handle the societal pressure as well. If our adolescent does not do well in board exams or does not clear any competitive exams, or we can’t proudly announce his or her admission in some prestigious professional college, we feel inadequate as parents. We take it as our personal failure, but to our chagrin our adolescents seem least bothered about all this.

Please do not get fooled by their outward behaviour. Inside them, they are as bothered about their future as we are, perhaps more so; after all it is their life. They have their hidden fears and anxieties, which they express in anger or by clamming up. They feel misunderstood by the very people who claim to love them the most: their parents.

The truth remains that adolescents deal with their own demons in their own way. To be accepted by their peers means a lot to them. They need to belong in their peer group. If they harbour a poor body image, or any other perceived inadequacy; it can play havoc with their mental peace. They encounter enough pressure in their own little worlds. All they need from us is complete acceptance. Accept them for what they are.

The Middle Path

There are three basic parenting styles that most of us follow:

Autocratic parents believe that they know what is best for their children. They tend to suppress their adolescents’ feelings and expression. Their children are less likely to be self-reliant.

Permissive parents can never say no to their children. They fail to provide the kind of discipline and support adolescents need. They allow their children to drift without offering them dependable models of responsible adult behaviour.

The third kind of parents follow the ‘middle’ path. They value both autonomy and discipline. They are more likely to foster the development of confidence, responsibility, and independence in their children.

Let us see how we, as parents of adolescent children can help our wards. But before we sit on our high horse, we must always remember that our children do what we do and not what we say:

•    Help them achieve general emotional maturity so that they learn to face and solve conflicts. The destructive expression of emotions must be channelled into constructive expressions.
•    Help them achieve general social maturity so that they develop social tolerance and freedom from slavish imitation of their peers.
•    Grant them freedom from home control so that they learn self-control and rely upon themselves for security. Our attitude towards them should be friendly.
•    Help them develop intellectual maturity so that they don’t accept anything blindly on the basis of authority. They should learn to desire for explanation of facts.
•    Help them develop a hobby so that they become multifaceted and creative.
•    Help them select an occupation after a careful self-assessment of their capabilities, interests, and aptitude. They should follow their heart and do the ‘labour of love’ instead of mindlessly following the herd. Don’t force your will upon them.
•    Help them in identification of self so that they understand their true selves; and their purpose of life.

The most important thing we parents need to understand is that we should be good role models for them; and as we all know too well, it is easier said than done. Confucius spoke for our youngsters when he said, “Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I will remember. Involve me and I will understand.”

I believe that if we love our role as parents and enjoy each stage of our children’s growth and development, these adolescent years will be a pleasure for both us and our wards.

Chitra Jha is a life skills coach and past life regression therapist.

I recall the haunting song in the hindi film Masoom, which has this line, ‘Tujse naaraaz nahin zindagi, hairaan hoon mein. Pareshan hoon mein. Jeena ke liye, socha hi nahin, dard sambhaline hongein’. This means, “I am not angry with you, life. Just puzzled and vexed. I never thought that, to live, one would have to handle pain”.

At the end of the college admission season in India, there is a quite sense of bewilderment in the minds of most children and also parents. In spite of the stated admission criteria by various colleges, one gets to hear of stories that qualify for “Ripley’s Believe It or Not”.

A supposedly reputed college ranked on the top in several disciplines has a very strict admission procedure. Recently I heard that students scoring 90% plus were passed over and those with significantly lower marks were shortlisted. I wonder why or how. Maybe, they believe in the “Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam” philosophy. Which is first is one’s mother, and then the father and then the guru and only lastly is God. Assuming that one cannot understand God and needs to accept the thought and presence of God, maybe this college follows the amalgamation of these ideas!

What is the effect on the mind of a hard working top-scoring student when he hears such instances? Will there not be questions about the relevance of hard work or faith in the system? Will such individuals be motivated to further persevere and put in increasingly hard work to progress in life? Won’t the theme from the Masoom song haunt their thoughts?

It will. I am sure not only in India or with regards to college admissions. This is a pattern that often is seen in many lives and a person has two choices. To give up or go on.

When youngsters ask me this question in all innocence and full of pain, I tell them a few things:
1.    Life is not fair. At least not always.
2.    You have to pick up, dust yourself and move on or be defeated by lies, corruption, dishonesty, etc.
3.    The world is made better, because there are courageous people who get up and run the race again.
4.    Winning is more about being in the race and not giving up.

As parents we all face many such instances when the innocent faces of our children turn towards us in confusion and filled with innocent questions for which we have no answers. My suggestion is to be frank and tell them that life does not always have answers. But, one needs to “keep walking” as the advertisement for a famous whiskey says.

I am now reminded of another hindi song, an oldie; “Musafir hoon yaaron, na ghar hain, na thikana, mujhe chalte jana hain, Bas. Chalte jana”. Which means, I am a traveller with no home or destination to speak of. I just need to keep walking and getting along.

You see, we Moms Of Twins (I used capital letters on purpose, in case you’re wondering) are quite used to traveling fast in the passing lane, or at the very least speeding in the regular lane. As a rule, we try to avoid the breakdown lane in addition to the one marked for slow vehicles. That’s just not an option for us. We have lists to conquer, meals to make, scrapbooks to update, bathrooms to clean, noses to blow, calls to return, mountains to conquer…. you get the idea.

So work with me for a minute here. What if you DO get out of the fast lane? What if you were to put your blinker on and politely mosey on over to the far right and let the world dash by at warp speed while you slow down? Can you imagine it? Let me paint a picture for you.
Scene 1: The Fast Lane.
Setting: The kitchen
Day: Any weekday
Time: Late afternoon

The day is moving along and I am crossing things off from my to-do list like a champion. Milk? Check. Laundry? Check. Emails? Check. Supper? Ouch. Not quite a check. Darn. Gotta move faster. I think I can just start sautéing these onions real quickly before the kids get in from school in 3 minutes. Oooh, and while the onions are cooking, I can throw in another load of laundry. Or fold that first load. Wait, the onions are burning. Oh no, here come the kids.

“Hi Mom you wouldn’t believe who got in trouble on the bus today and Logan wasn’t wearing his seat belt like you told him to and my teacher got mad at us again and I didn’t eat my applesauce because you gave me applesauce yesterday in my lunch, why do you always do that two days in a row?”

“I was wearing my seat belt I just unbuckled it to take my coat off and Mom wait till you see my spelling test and guess how many pages I have for homework tonight and what are we having for supper I don’t want to hang my coat up and why do you make us go to choir practice?”

“Hold on kids, I’m busy burning onions for your dinner, so why don’t you get out your homework and start working on it? You can yell out any questions you have and I’m sure I’ll hear it from the laundry room over the washing machine while I fold these last few things”.

That’s the fast lane.
Got it?

Scene 2: The Breakdown Lane
Same setting, day and time as the Fast Lane

I’m still barreling through the day. No flies on me, mister. This time I’m even crossing things off the list using a Sharpie. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was a huge “S” across my chest.

But, in fairness to our scenario, the supper isn’t done. And it’s 3:45 in the afternoon. And the kids have choir today which will keep us out of the house till 6:00. And the laundry is screaming at me from the laundry room to be folded before the dreaded state of (gasp!) Permanent Wrinkles sets in. (It’s true. I’ve actually heard clean laundry call me from deep inside the dryer before. Just ask my dog, Bob. He’s heard it too.)

Here’s where things are different.

The kids come blasting through the front door, with the same unpunctuated and overly animated run-on sentences being broadcast in the Scene #1. But this time, I’ve made an intentional choice to stop. Not slow down, but pull over and stop. I turn off the sizzling, smoking onions. I close the door to the laundry room. I turn over my to-do list. I power down the computer screen.

Then I sit down. Right at their little 8 year old eye levels. And I take a journey into the worlds of my 3rd graders. “Who got in trouble on the bus? What part of your lunch did you like? Who did you play with today at recess? Tell me about your homework. I can’t wait to see your spelling test”. So the conversation goes. And it’s just that- a conversation. An interaction. A relationship. Sharing.

All of that would have been missed in the Fast Lane.

You see, when my kids walk through the door at 3:45 in the afternoon, they are offering me an invitation into their worlds and I have a choice. Choice #1 is to put the invitation aside in the stack of mail, and RSVP later. In the meanwhile I keep moving with Fred Flintstone spinning feet and a red cape flying off my shoulders. Or, Choice #2. I can pull over, get out of the drivers seat, and accept the invitation. And when I accept, the magic happens. I see the world through the eyes of an 8 year old. The antics on the playground at recess are suddenly bigger than getting supper done, or returning that phone call. The magic is priceless, immeasurable.

So I challenge you to this. I challenge you to recognize the invitations your kids offer you. Notice them when they are offered. And when they are offered, I challenge you to accept the invitation in the moment. Accept it right away, even if means the onions become little black charred bits on the stove. Accept it even if it means supper will come out of a can and you’ll face the world with wrinkled jeans tomorrow. And then I challenge you to “Pull over Ma’am”, and see what happens. This I know for sure, the magic is what this “Mom” business is really about.

Susie Sarkisian is a Life Coach living in Danbury, Ct. She can be reached at www.trustingyourjourney.com

In a family where communication has not been encouraged and allowed to flourish, this becomes a bubbling volcano. Soon it erupts, ignited usually by the youngsters as the elders are conditioned to control emotions and reactions.

As parents, our fears are about demands that can’t be met and the disappointments that follow. No parent wants to see his/her offspring hurt and therefore we try steer them into safer harbours. The ships of youth however, are not interested in safety. They hastily unfurl their sails to test the winds and its intimidating challenges, many of which are new to the reality of their parents. Parents as helmsmen keep shouting out words of caution. While the youth says, “Let go, let go.”

Should one let go or not, is the crore rupee question. (Hopefully this would replace “the million dollar question” saying that is popular in western countries). At the end of the day, each is the master of his/her destiny. So, if one has taught the child well and he/she has grown up with common sense and a responsible value system, it is probably time to graduate from parenthood and let go.

Surely as the sun rises in the east, they will fall and hurt themselves. It is still the best time-tested way to acquire maturity and wisdom. But, your teaching, good examples and instilled value system will help them to recover their balance and climb back in stride again.

That’s the true treasure and inheritance you leave behind. If they did not learn how to be resilient while accepting life’s dualities and inevitable disappointments, all material legacies would be useless.

So, if you have prepared them for the mix of challenges, joys and disappointments that are pureed into life then you have grown up, as a father or mother or parents! Now, you have the luxury of regressing into youth again and having a ball! Of course, a part of you will always be there to catch them if they fall and can’t find their way back up. But until then enjoy your graduation from parenthood and take life easy with some cream and sugar.

There are of course advantages and disadvantages to such a situation. The advantages — we can focus on our one child and spend well for better education, other activities and give him/her a luxurious life. We can also shower all our love and affection, warmth and attention without having to share among siblings. On the other hand, a single child is a lonely child, and may grow up to be selfish without learning to share and interact with others in a meaningful way.

It is true, however, that the parenting of a single child is different from that of multiple children. An only child tends to develop a close relationship with parents, but builds self-esteem very early in life, attains high grasping power, is more expressive and more motivated at school because he/she receives more attention and encouragement from parents. But then we see our child experiencing a deep loneliness and may be unable to share thoughts and feelings.

The single child also doesn’t go through sibling rivalry and may not learn the skills of tackling problems in life or that of handling inattention. And there is an absence of sibling support later in life. There are however, some ways in which we, as parents of a single child, can support and encourage our child to overcome these difficulties and turn negatives into positives.

Encourage Friendships - It is possible that your single child may keep away from interacting with others and choose to “cling” to you. Encourage your child to interact and develop friendship with others. This will help your child develop stronger social skills. In fact, when your child is interacting/playing with others, carefully observe the interaction and if he/she doesn’t share toys, help him/her realize that being selfish can only result in loneliness and no friendships. Planning get-togethers among friends and extended family with children often does help.

Set Boundaries – You can guide and teach your child to know when it is appropriate to demand attention and when to be self-sufficient. It would be to the advantage of both you and your child, if he/she is not allowed to dictate the terms of the parent/child interaction. Your child should be helped to realize that parents too have their own responsibilities and duties and need time for themselves. Do show appreciation when your child shows signs of understanding that there should be balance in the parent/child equation.

Develop Self-determination – Unknowingly, your child can become totally dependent on you for moral support in any or all activities. Encourage your child to be self reliant, to engage him/herself and to have fun. Do not feel obligated to be your child’s entertainer throughout life.

Parenting a single child brings its unique set of challenges but the joy of watching your child up with adequate love, attention and resources at his/her disposal makes up for compromises and feelings of guilt that many parents experience in this situation.

How often today do we hear that lament, “Help me, my family’s falling apart…” or “I can’t stand to be around my crazy, dysfunctional family.” Happy families are in danger of becoming extinct in today’s world where individuality, inflexibility and selfishness seem to be the driving emotions in the average human human being. There is no doubt that the breaking down of the traditional family unit and its embedded value systems are among the key factors responsible for the social decay and personal feelings of angst that are manifesting all around us.

Without the bedrock of happy, well-grounded and responsible families, our society and by extension, our civilisation, is weakening at its core level and steadily aborting prospects for balanced social and economic progress in the years to come. There is much merit in the old adage, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”

Genuine progress in any society is hardly about one-sided technological developments or the vulgar, money-worshiping propensities and materialism of the nouveau riche. Au contraire, civilization evolves when it is predicated on family harmony, spiritual development, social responsibility toward the environment and all sentient beings and an appreciation for art, science and life in its diverse manifestations. In most instances, the family unit is the womb within which all human frames of reference, values and aspirational goals are birthed and nurtured.

Happy, deeply-inspired families are the ones that spend quality time together. They learn together, grow together and show affection for each other in myriad ways. But what actually creates the environment to nurture a happy and emotionally balanced family? It is really very simple.

Writers Diane Loomans and Julia Loomans in their book, Full Esteem Ahead: 100 Ways to Teach Values and Build Self-Esteem for All Ages suggest that parents should consider the “Happy Home” Interview. In those learning sessions, parents were requested to ask their children two simple questions: “What is a happy home like?” and “What makes our home feel good?”

Parents were amazed by the simplicity and honesty of the responses which usually focused on everyday things. The kids were more interested in feeling good and connecting with their parents than they were in expensive toys, computer games or big houses. The children said they were happiest when the family played games together; hugged and showed their affection regularly; communicated openly and showed interest in each other by asking about the events of the day.

You too can begin your quest to nurture a happy home by having your children write down their answers to your Happy Home interview. Feel free to modify or add questions but make sure it is an enjoyable self-exploratory exercise for the children. This idea should be extended to include spouses and both husband and wife (where applicable) should make an effort to answer the same questions.

Share the ideas with the family and make plans to act on some of the easier-to-implement recommendations as soon as possible. For example if someone wants to hear crystal wind chimes because they invoke memories of contentment and inner peace, then all it takes is a trip to the store to make that one little dream come true. Try to accommodate at least one suggestion from every family member at regular intervals so no one feels left out of the plans.

We are living in a world where increasingly people tend to whine, complain and focus on the ‘negative’ facets of living instead of looking at life in a balanced, objective way. Unfortunately too many children are being conditioned to be on the “gimme gimme” wavelength and are not encouraged to be mindful of the abundance that surrounds them in the form of family, friends, nature and life opportunities. An old French proverb reminds us that, “Gratitude is the heart’s memory.” A happy family is one that is truly appreciative of its blessings and challenges because both converge to create the ideal circumstances to build character and deepen the love and commitment among members. Remind each other every day to be thankful for relatives, friends, animals and nature and the wonderful opportunities to learn and grow as individuals. Teach your kids to explore and integrate this precious, life-affirming principle into their lives. As they learn to focus on the abundance rather than on the perceived ‘lack’ in their lives, you will be helping them to design an important new blueprint for the future while you keep positive vibrations flowing in the home place.

Bring your family closer together by creating a quality ‘family night’ every week. Designate one night every week as ‘together time’ and have a theme so no one is bored by just sitting around. You can consider an exotic cook-out night, comedy movie night, spiritual story night or anything else that will interest the family. Consider changing the themes after a while and ask family members for suggestions. Feel free to share jokes, incidents at work or school, questions and anecdotes with each other. You will be surprised at how much more you’ll learn to appreciate and support each each other during these special evenings. Don’t forget to switch off those intrusive cell phones while you are enjoying each other’s company.

Another way to deepen family bonding, teach kids responsibilities (and get some work done around the house at the same time) is to carefully assign family responsibilities. If everyone in the family is participating regularly in some type of personal development activity or hobby, then household chores will be neglected or overlooked. Call a family meeting and explain that in order to maintain the schedule of other activities, everyone will have to contribute some time to get the housework done and then assign chores according to age and ability. Even the younger children can help with simpler tasks such as picking up toys, clearing the table and watering plants.

Wouldn’t it be great if when you start a family, someone can hand you a book of guaranteed-to-work guidelines on how to nurture a satisfied and emotionally well-adjusted family? Unfortunately that is not possible but you can do a great job anyway by implementing a few basic, time-tested guidelines. As cliched as it may sound, a family that plays and prays together, stays together. Keep your family inspired and motivated with love, appeciation, wholesome values, reality checks and a fair share of responsibilties and you are well on your way to success. This is not about quantum physics or advanced calculus. It is about priorities, common sense, sensitivity and a willingness to realise that a loving family is the wind beneath the wings of every child, man and woman who wants to soar to greater heights in life.

Everything felt so ordinary at that time and like any other school kid I just assumed that mothers were meant to be waiting with hot and nourishing food when we came back home from school, playing or visiting friends. No matter how delicious the food was or how appetizing it all looked, my siblings and I ate hungrily but quickly, eager to to embark on more interesting pastimes. I don’t remember a single occasion when Mom complained about us being ungrateful or thankless or selfish. She was more than delighted that we had polished off what she cooked and were well fed and satisfied. But was that enough?

Today, as I wait eagerly for my son to taste the first bite of the appetizing chocolate cake that takes just a few minutes to bake and is neither nutritious nor healthy, the motherly instinct in me waits to see that twinkle in his eye, when he says, “Mom, you are the best cook in the world,” or “Hey Mom…that’s a cool piece of cake.”

I sincerely think that I’d probably sulk the whole day if my son walked off with that piece of cake without acknowledging the love and affection that I blended into it.

Whoa…! I am at least a thousand degrees away from being the world’s best cook and I put in very little effort into that cake compared to my mom’s hard work when she prepared our meals and desserts. I cook for one little pixie once in a week and yet I expect to be acknowledged for my unswerving devotion and culinary skills. Am I being real ?

This simple realization was big enough to bring tears into my eyes; for today my mom rests in peace and there is no way I can go back to her and say those few words which she never expected but truly deserved, “Thank you mom.”

If I could, I would and not just for the food that she cooked but rather for being the “best mom in the world.” Needless to add, I miss my mother but I am glad that I loved her enough and she knew that and enjoyed those special moments that we shared. Whenever Mother’s Day comes around, I warm up to the snug feeling of being watched, cared for and loved by mom from her celestial abode.

But no one should wait for Mother’s Day to say, “Thank you” to his or her mother for her unselfish devotion and love. Every mom, whether she is a good cook or not, has given a part of herself to us and should be honoured every day with love, gratitude and respect.

“Hey mom,” he said, waiting for me to go on.

“Hello baby,” I said, cooing into the phone like any devoted mother.

“School was good today,” he said, anticipating the usual question.

“Okay, take a rest, make sure you eat something and then do your homework. I will be back around 7 o’clock,” I said.

“Right mom and then I shall watch television …okay bye.” Over and out.

There was nothing different in the call today and there will probably be only a slight variation in the next few days. Yet if this two minute call did not happen on a school day, I found it unsettling. The same questions, the same re-assurance, the same information….why?

I could not get myself to walk back to my desk and instead went to get some coffee. With my nice, warm coffee mug, I walked along the office lawns thinking about this daily ritual. It did take me on a guilt trip, the ones that working mothers often go through but then I checked myself and focused on the core concern – namely, what does this call mean to me and to my son?

The more I thought about the situation the more I seemed to look for “reasons and causes” and probable “solutions”. It was then that it dawned on me that every task, every action, every simple thing of routine life becomes a subject of scrutiny in a working mother’s life. It is one of the disadvantages of an extended corporate career!

As I relished the last few sips of my refreshing brew I told myself in very simple terms that I enjoy that call because I am a mother who wants to talk to her son and be a part of his life. It would have been easier if I were home and we could have a longer, livelier conversation but that’s no excuse for not having a two minute chat at all. That settled the question about me so then I picked up the phone and asked my son about this daily call routine.

He answered in a very innocent manner, “Mom, I feel special when we chat, because I know you are waiting for my call in your office.” That did it – the call was important to me because I was a mother of a ten year old who was special and felt special.

Natural bonding does not need justification or rationalization or statistical evidence!

As I finished my coffee, and I walked back to leave the used mug in the pantry, I could not help but smile at myself as another thought tempted me to enjoy a second cup of coffee. But I restrained myself. However, I made a mental note to ask my ‘stay at home’ friends whether they would have worried so much about this trivial thought that kept me busy at work today or would their question have changed to the more basic one such as, “Am I a nagging mom? ”

The phone rang again and this time it was the boss with an easy to answer question, “Have you finished the report yet?”

“Yes Sir,” I replied, and life was back to normal once again.

As parents what do we want for our kids? Of course we want “The best for them” right? But best for whom – for them or for us as parents? My heart bleeds when I read about young kids committing suicide or becoming depressed over issues like not winning a competition, not scoring high enough in an examination, not having a fair complexion, or being unfavourably compared to high achievers.

Where do these expectations and standards come from? When a friend of mine tells me that her 7 year old who is scoring 93 in mathematics was not doing well enough, or another friend enrolls her kid in 6 different extra classes, I feel like shaking them and saying, “Please stop it, because you are breeding your own fears in that poor child!”

My father wanted me to be the above 90% scorer, choose science, go to the best colleges, become a cost accountant, have a government job and be a working woman. Instead, I was an above 75% scorer, chose commerce, went to the second best colleges, left my cost accountancy training before completion, became a MBA, turned down 2 government jobs, became a full time mother and part time teacher.

If you ask me, were these decisions easy to make, I would say, “No!” But I wish it had been easier for me to walk along my chosen path. It would have been if there were fewer arguments, lectures and comparisons with others.

My friend tells her young son that he should always be a rank holder in his class. Another one does not let her daughter learn dance (when the kid loves it), saying that her scores would fall down. I am a teacher to mostly 16 -19 year olds, who are all on the threshold of entering adulthood.

One of my students was dark skinned with long, wavy hair, beautiful eyes, sharp features and a brain to match. She was a gem. She came up to me once to share her concern. Her mother would never let her step out in the sun for too long, or spend time with her friends outside and would buy her bleaching creams to use on her face. All because her mother wanted her to be fairer and not get any darker by standing in the sun. I could see that my student was losing her self-esteem and confidence because she felt she was not good enough in the eyes of her mother.

I think by now, we all know where I am heading with my conclusions!

Children who are expected to live up to unreasonable parental expectations:

1) May become timid adults who cannot make decisions and are always unsure about their abilities.
2) May suffer more peer pressure at school, college and work place, because they are not used to speaking their mind and therefore keep their emotions and thoughts bottled up.
3) May not be in a position to speak about the issues to their friends as it could mean speaking about their parents in a negative manner, which is frowned upon in our society.
4) May end up hating their parents and become difficult parents themselves, as they unconsciously carry the vicious cycle into the next generation.
5) Will lash out and choose their own paths often with tragic or painful consequences.

So, as parents what can we do or rather what should we do? Maybe a few pointers would help:

1) Help your child to smell the flowers, see the blue sky, take in the green plants. Our world is very fast, busy and selfish. Help him to see the peace and serenity as well.
2) Hug them and say often, “No matter what you do, we will always follow you and support you. In the process we might reprimand you, but you are always welcome home.”
3) In any decision making situation, help your child do a SWOT analysis. It will help him to understand his own Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It will make him understand the pros and cons of each situation, and most probably he will come up with the right choice.
4) At the end of the day, it’s his life, and he should be happy doing whatever he does in his life. Make each learning process a positive experience, which will have its ups and downs. You can make him feel that it’s okay to fail at times, and it just means that success is a few steps ahead.
5) Home is warm place to talk about his fears and talk his heart out. He will always be eager to come back regardless of what happens in his life outside the home.
6) Accept you child unconditionally and nurture him from this point on.

Like I said, I am no expert at parenting issues, and every passing day is a learning experience for me as well. But there is one constant at work in the whole parenting equation – you should make every effort to be a sensitive mother or father and avoid the tendency to live out your own ambitions through your kids.

The man takes on the challenge and becomes very rich and successful. Krishna keeps appearing to check how happy he is with his acquisitions. The man insists that he is on top of the world in spite of the challenges.

Towards the end, the cycle changes and the man is down and popping a handful of pills when Krishna appears and asks him about his life. The man shows Krishna the pills and says that medicine is his food nowadays. Krishna then picks up the various medicines and reads out the names which all usually end as ‘mycin’ – Erthyromycin, Streptomycin and Tetramycin. He then says to the man: ” Oh, all MY SINS? You are only suffering for your sins!”

Interesting pun on words, but it holds a universal truth.

Today when I see the younger generation, they are in a hurry for instant gratification. Parents bemoan the fact that children are getting spoilt and losing traditional value systems. So, what exactly is the issue?
The issue lies with parents like us more than elsewhere. Let us forget the parent child labelling and discuss this matter from an objective perspective.

Imagine a young infant, whose mind is fresh, open, curious, and creative. What kind of conditioning is the environment and people around him/her offering? It is all about pushing oneself for success. It is not about hard work or effort. It is about success. It is about a particular result.

The individual develops into a typical ‘A’ type personality, high strung, tense and stressed out. Then he or she seeks emotional well being and health by spending money on medicines and doctors. But the individual is simply treating the symptoms. The root of the problem lies somewhere else.

Finally as old age approaches, after a lifetime of chasing success, this person is advised to meditate, take things easy and reflect on life. Are we not completely confusing ourselves and others?

Recently I had a spirited debate about another Tamil film Naan Kadavul. The debate focused on the belief that people who regularly say ‘Aham Brahmasmi’ can become God. My argument was along similar lines. Imagine a child being told that he is God and nothing else. Would that mind ever question it? Would that mind get distracted by anything else?

God is within all of us. This is advocated in every religious scripture including the Hindu spiritual texts. Instead of seeking God and peace outside of us we are advised to look for the Source of Life within us.

Why then, do people still have an issue with following this simple doctrine?

It is simply because our minds are not conditioned as such from childhood. Even God has become a “utilitarian and quantifiable goal” in our never-ending pursuit of success. Some have even branded God on this basis. There is a Hanuman temple in Chennai which is called “Bank Anjaneyar” as it is situated in the premises of a bank. It is also known as “Visa Anjaneyar!” Supposedly a visit is guaranteed to ensure a visa!

Some might argue that I am propagating laziness and suggesting that we should not be result-oriented. But that’s not the case. I believe that there is a very fine line between result-orientation and result-fixation.
Result-orientation enables a person to plan and deploy adequate resources towards that objective. Whereas, if it becomes an obsession or fixation, the path becomes lost and then the ends justify the means.

We should teach our children simpler but more profound things about life. We should teach them emotional skills. They should be exposed to meditation, yoga and spiritual values. We should also teach them to focus their efforts on important worldly goals. But they should also be taught to accept the results that come at the end. This habit of acceptance would help make people more resilient to the pressures of modern life and generally improve the quality of life all around.

“Rap is a way of life bro’. Wanna rap? You gotcha live like us – the ghetto clothes. You gotta dress right … like a gangsta. Give attitoood and you’ll get it.”, the guy offered me the first AHA experience about Rap. He should know. He was the young 20 something who was being interviewed as he stepped off his stretch limo. I had gone to drop off a hysterical gang of teenagers at this Rap Concert. (Is that an oxymoron?)

I did not like being addressed as a dawg or a gangsta -even if it came from HIM. My kids explained that I should be honoured that HE even looked at me while saying that stuff. There were so many drooling fans around. And of all people he looked at the “unkewlest of them all”. And being called a “gangsta” is a sign of being accepted even in High School, my daughter consoled me.

“If he is from the ghettos, why is he flashing the diamond ear-ring while stepping off a stretch limo?” I put a clincher.

“Oh DAD!! Don’t you understand anything?”:roll:

Kids are low on patience when explaining kewl stuff to parents. (yeah… it is not cool. “You are SO like 70’s, Dad”)

I put my apprehensions aside. If dressing right was part of the solution, so be it. So, for a while I pretended that I was hip just like those people – the “kewl dudes”. I started referring to my kids as gangsta. That was rough on my nerves. Try saying, “Hey Gangsta! Finished your homework? Get on the case dude. You got a TEST TOMORROW FOGOSSAKE!!”

I even wore appropriate attire. I wore loose pants and that’s not easy to maintain. I normally have the reverse problem – my pants suddenly become tight. Here was a twist. I had to buy pants that would be loose enough to hang around my derriere (look I know some French and it makes me sound classy). But that meant I had to also had to buy new boxers that would be on display for the world to see. My shopping list was becoming longer and leaving me poorer. I took one of those baggy shorts and tried wearing them. How could anyone call them shorts? They reached till my socks. They were unwieldy at that. I almost tripped over in the trial room itself trying to catch a sideways glance at myself in the mirror. Loose pants around my kneecaps gave me the necessary pizzazz and the oversized T shirt made me look like a novice mountaineer emerging out of the tent he tried to put up. I wore a bandana and dark glasses that were three sizes too big for me. Satisfied that I was now ready to listen to The Music, I stepped into the streets. Wearing those dark glasses in the evening was a mistake. A kind old lady who was my grandmother’s age held my hand firmly and walked me to the other side of the street. I kept protesting to say I was fine but she wouldn’t let go.

I reached home and switched on the channel that features these Rap artistes. I always thought you got to have the anorexic look to be featured in a music video. I mean that’s what it was like in our times. The skinny models would walk down the ramp swaying to some crazy music only they could hear. The left ankle carefully placed in front of the right foot before they switched places. But Rap videos featured folks who would win Obesity Contests. One lead singer was narrating his life story (presumably) in a monotonous monologue while the drummer was concentrating on practicing a basic beat on the jungle drums. From time to time the lead singer would draw out an imaginary outline of his underwear. He would trace the design around his groin keeping his thumb and index finger as far apart as possible from each other.

I did not get it. Never will. And that’s OK. I am relying on the great divide called the Generation Gap to prevent the beast from reaching my part of the jungle.

How can this get classified as music when you can never play any of these tunes on a musical instrument? If something is beyond the scope of an instrument is it music at all or is it poetry? After a while the effort was too much for me to figure out. I switched back to good old Beatles stuff. By the way The Beatles are kewl even in High School, says my kid. I guess I am too old to rap and roll and too young to try.

The statement struck a deep chord of identification with me as I experience it everyday. My son who is experiencing the very best and worst of teenhood at 17 is the self-proclaimed champion of teenagers. Facebook was his independent fiefdom till my wife discovered it and shortly thereafter I also signed on.

Recently he made a dire prediction that this would mark the migration of youngsters away from Facebook. He believes that Orkut lost its young members because older users were overpopulating the social network. Interesting perspective! I am waiting to see if his prediction would come true.

Meanwhile I was struck by the depth of the feeling with regards to oldsters venturing into the youngsters” domain!

I recall being a rebel and usually one without a cause in my teenage years. However I don’t recall having any such youngster space which could be or was violated. At best the school/ college culturals could be termed as a youngster’s zone. Also, our oldies a.k.a our parents were not too keen on participating in such events.
So, what is the key difference between the generations and how do we bridge and manage the great divide?

I often refer to my generation as the bullet speed generation. We went from AIR, Doordarshan to DTH and from the black rotary phone to I Phones in a space of 3 odd decades. We grew up conditioned by thrift, waiting one’s turn, patience, joint living, joint spaces, so on and so forth.

Whereas youngsters today are born with a remote in one hand and a mouse in the other. Possibly with a Bluetooth handsfree tucked in the ear, too! They cannot imagine a context where one would book a scooter and the delivery date was celebrated in the neighbourhood or that you had to book a trunk call and wait to be connected!

This generation was born with computers, personal space, youth spaces, youth icons and so on. They take the business of being young very seriously. The moot point is that what happened to people like me? Why am I in Facebook?

My perspective is that we are seeing too many things that are great fun and enjoyable and want to be a part of the scene. Having grown up in a relatively deprived context, the child or rather youth inside all of us wants a second chance in this fabulous new environment. It’s almost like Alice in Wonderland.

For the youngsters, the context today is a part of their evolving environment whereas I am wonder struck and want to experience this as much if not more. This has a dual implication. On one hand we are demonstrating that one can be young at heart and experience life regardless of age. I hope the youngsters of today grow old without letting go of the child in them. However, the downside is that most such indulgences are largely materialistic and usually consists of superficial interfaces. It has very little reinforcement of core values.

The concern is whether we are actually setting an example that should not be followed.

However, the journey had several interesting moments of insights, learning and fond memories. The most interesting insight which led to my being able to relate well not only to my children but also to youngsters happened a year ago, when my son was hospitalized with a cocktail of infections and illnesses. He managed to come down with chikungunya, dengue and malaria! The doctor advised immediate hospitalization and promptly he was bundled and taken to a reputable hospital managed by a Christian missionary.

We had requested for a separate room and when we walked in, the first thing my son noticed was that there was no television! I had to promptly go back and enquire if we could bring our portable set. I was told that there was another set of rooms which were equipped with televisions that would cost marginally more. We requested one of those rooms and moved in my son.

Even while my spouse was putting things into place, my son wanted the television to be switched on and remote given to him. After hunting for the remote and making enquiries with a nurse, I went back to tell him that there was no remote. So, I was made the honorary remote and had to stand next to the television in order to change channels.

After a few minutes of frantic channel surfing, realization dawned that there was no cable feed and the only channels available were the government run channels, which have never topped the charts when it comes to infotainment. My son slumped over quite disappointed. In an effort to cheer him, I said “This is what we had while growing up because it was all that was available.” I can still recall the look of absolute disbelief and pity that he gave me.

Having been absolved of my duties as a tv remote, I spent a lot of time thinking about that incident and had some amazing insights.

Firstly, the generation I belong too has seen the maximum number of change with regards to lifestyle, technology, social norms, etc. I guess that has made this generation far more flexible, resilient and able to manage change.

Secondly, my children’s generation is an ‘Arrived’ one. Especially in the Indian context, their generation has not experienced shortage, rationing, lack of choice, etc. They have been exposed to technology, innovation and convenience almost from birth. This has led to the current trend of instant gratification.

Obviously, to expect them to completely comprehend and understand a context and situations which they have not experienced would at best be an idealistic dream.

The practical choice was to grow up with them, thinking like them without letting go of our learning experiences and more importantly, the value systems instilled in us. They are still growing up and are at the age when they have all the answers to life’s questions. By the time they begin to face the challenges of parenting and being able to relate to my experience, the world will be changing again.
However, one thing would be constant. Growing up with your children is an enlightening experience that makes a person whole.

The first thing is to keep cool when things mess up. Getting agitated or panicky during a crisis isn’t gonna solve anything! Keep in mind that chances are, the situation that you are facing has happened to someone else. Can you imagine if each time you visited a doctor he got all panicky? He doesn’t because he has seen many cases, thus he remains calm and collected. The patient on the otherhand frets and worries, thinking their ailment is the most serious and unique. So if you want to solve any family problems or conflicts, the most important thing is remain cool.

The second most important rule is to strengthen your team. When we say strengthen your team, we don’t literally mean to go out there and increase your family size! What we mean is to make sure that you and your partner are in cahoots with each other on your child raising and discipline philosophies. Spend time talking to each other about important issues like rules and discipline.

It is also very important to discipline consistently. At the end of a hard day it is so easy to give in to a child that is crying or whining…but that is not consistent. It does not teach them and only makes your job as a parent more difficult. Set limits and rules and always enforce them.

You should also ensure that there is order in your childs lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps, bedtimes and chores. Children need schedules and structure in order to feel in control of the world around them. If you have to change the schedule, respect them by telling them about the changes ahead of time.

Also be sure to be a good role model. No matter how much you resist being a role model to your children, you can’t escape it. All kids take pleasure in imitating their parents, so why not be one consciously and effectively?

In addition to that, you should take an interest in their hobbies. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually their way of getting your attention.

In the midst of everything else, remember to teach them to stand on their own. Let your child make simple decisions and gently remind them to stand on the decisions that they made. Guide them when they are deciding, tell them the pros and cons of their posible decision. But what ever their decision is, just respect it.

Be sure to also listen to your child. As parents, we sometimes are quick to judge our child’s actions or choice of words, that we do not hear their cries for love, attention, or help. We should listen to their feelings, reactions, and opinions. Try to understand their point of view. Look at them when they are talking to show that you are hearing their every word. Put down that book, turn off that television, stop what you are doing and listen!

And finally, practice detachment. The role of a parent is that of a gardener. You don’t create the seed, nor the soil. The potential is already in the seed, you just have to ensure the right conditions for growth. You can loosen the soil a little, so that it may come out easily. Put a fence around it, see that it is not killed by anything, But you can’t control the outcome of the seed.

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This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting at www.theasianparent.com.

Instead of trying to eradicate conflict all together (which would probably be impossible), you should instead focus on how to recognise its presence, and deal with it.

Here are some Vedantic Tips on how to deal with parent-child conflicts in the best way possible.

Keep Cool

In his book, Parenting, Swami Tejomayananda of the Chinmaya Mission writes, “the first thing that is required when you face any problems – not only related to parenting- is that you have to keep cool.”

Emotions tend to naturally blow things out of proportions during a fight, thus it’s important to be reasonable and logical by separating your emotions from the problem. Acting on emotions will only destroy rational thinking and cloud your logic. As the cliché goes, “Don’t go down with the dogs. Otherwise, you’ll get fleas”.

Not Unique

Once you are relaxed and have taken charge of your emotions, Swami Tejomayananda then advices parents to recognise that whatever problems they are facing, it’s probably not unique and definitely not new.

In the Puranas, it is written that the divine sage Narada Muni came down from the Heavens to Earth and realised that every one around him was unrighteousness. People were misbehaving, and kids were out of control. He was so worried that he went to Bhrama, the Hindu God of Creation, and asked, “What will happen to these people? Can you tell me something?”

This story just serves to highlight that whatever is happening to the youth and kids of today, happened years ago during the times of Narada too!

Remember your own Childhood

As parents it’s sometimes easy to forget the follies of our own youth. There’s probably no one in this world who wasn’t at least a tad rebellious growing up. It might have been at the mental level, or verbally or even physically. But all of us at some point have rebelled. Never forget that.

Know the Root Cause

As with an illness, knowing what caused the problem is better than just finding the cure for the symptoms. Find out what triggered the conflict to better address the problem. Otherwise, you may find yourself dealing with the same issue over and over again.

Positive Thoughts

The power of positive thinking can help you deal with conflicts too. Think happy thoughts and good things are bound to happen. Wallow in misery, and you’ll get just that.

A person’s attitude will actually rule his response to situations. Learn to find comedy in the situation. Hold on to your sense of humour, and you’ll soon realise that things weren’t that bad after all.

Eliminate your Ego

Instead of locking heads, swallow your pride and allow everyone to come up with the best solution to the conflict. If several people are working to end the problem, there will be more solutions available. Forget who’s to blame. Instead, initiate fixing the problem and accept ownership of the resolution.

Conflicts do not really have to give rise to a winner or a loser. Sometimes, a battle of wills is a good opportunity to air grievances and ultimately better a situation or relationship. Often, the right decision entails everyone to sacrifice a little.

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This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting at www.theasianparent.com.

Becoming a “real” dad was a combination of slow and natural process of “awakening” and conscious self-reminding, self-training, or self-conditioning that I am already a father and I have to change my ways. Not all of them are pleasant, or voluntary, I’m telling you.

Here are 5 of what I think were manifestations of my natural process of “awakening” and other changes:

I started to notice other people’s children.

Before, kids were nothing but pesky little critters that literally litter the grounds during family gatherings. In a way, I was annoyed by little children. They are rowdy, noisy, and uncontrollable; and they can even pester you with the most nonsensical questions. What’s worse is you are forced to answer them because their parents are looking, smiling proudly and are also waiting (encouraging) for you to answer their pesky little child’s silly questions.

Now that I’m a dad, I noticed that I no longer mind little kids running around and bumping me while I talk to someone. In fact, I am beginning to really “see” them that I even watch them while they play. I also get to be the one calling them and asking them “silly questions” like, “Hi. What’s your name?” and “How old are you?”
Before, my eyes would roll whenever I hear someone engage a kid in an insanely inane conversation like that.

I started to think about the future.

Before, I take pride in being a carefree devil-may-care person. I take this bravado as a sign of confidence and superiority. Before, I believed that being cautious and constantly thinking about the future are signs of insecurity and weakness. Before, whenever my friends and I would go on long weekend trips on our motorcycles, I drove the fastest, I raced against strangers on the highway by taunting them, and I chose the most difficult terrains in farms and mountains.

Now that I’m a dad, I noticed that my usual bravado has somewhat tamed. I just realized that I was irresponsible when I thought I was brave. My friends would tease me that I have gone soft, and I would just tell them I want to see my son grow.

The truth is, the scariest thought for me now is not being able to be there for my children whenever they would need me. I have learned to value my life and my health now.

I started to watch what I say and what I do.

Before, I was what you might call a selfish self-centered oaf who couldn’t care less if I would hurt or offend anyone as long as I get or say what I want. It’s not that I am insensitive or callous, it’s just that sometimes a man could be carried away by the moment he is in. I could be loud and I could curse whenever I’m watching my favourite ballgame on TV. I could be loud and I could curse whenever I’m mad with somebody.
Now, that I’m a dad, you better watch your mouth when you’re in my house, especially if my kids are around. Strictly no cursing! This is especially true if the wife is around. She’d kill us both before you know it.

Seriously speaking, I could be very expressive and I could blow my top whenever the wife and I have a disagreement. However, I noticed that since our small kids started sprouting inside the house, I find out that I hardly raise my voice anymore. It terrifies me to think that my kids will be terrified by loud quarrels.

In fact, the wife and I are thankful for the discovery that we haven’t been having shouting matches since our first child.

I started to become more money savvy.

Before our first child, my wife and I spent a lot on non-essentials. This seemed natural because it was just the two of us, and both of us are earning from our respective jobs. We spent a lot because we thought we could always earn again.
Now that I am a dad, the responsibility of parenthood is just too huge to risk winging it without any form of financial savings. The responsibility of parenthood made me and my wife cut back on unnecessary expenses.

Looking back to our childless days, I realised that no matter how big anyone earns, it would always be insufficient if one doesn’t save.

I started seenig life with a purpose 

It’s not that I haven’t been going around without a purpose. It’s just that I am seeing life now with a better purpose. I became more grounded. I came to realize the importance of values, the beauty of kindness, and the immeasurable joy of giving someone an unselfish, boundless, and unconditional love.

Now that I am a dad, i look at my parents differently: I love them more. Now that I am a dad, I see my fellowmen (particularly my fellow parents) differently. Having undergone what they have gone through or are still undergoing, I feel more empathy and a sense of oneness with them.

I have matured. Being a dad has made me a better person.

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This article has been contributed by our friends at The Asian Parent. Visit them for more articles and resources on parenting.

□ You have more than one child.
□ You work full time.
□ You are the entertainment planner.
□ You are the meal planner and chef.
□ You are the disciplining parent.
□ You are the paramedic for minor injuries.
□ You are the chauffer.
□ You are the homework checker.

Super moms are supposed to be good jugglers so we juggle a job, home, a child and a husband. Super moms are always on the go, so we drive our kids to soccer, ballet and museums. Super moms are known to be social, so we choose play dates on weekends instead of sleep. Sometimes I wonder, if we are secretly vying for the “super mom” label?  I do fit the description above but honestly, the more appropriate term for me would be “super exhausted mom”. I am certain most of you will agree.

A few months ago, I lay in bed at midnight making my mental list of things to do and tasks to accomplish for the next day. For a moment I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to be thoughtless?  How does one achieve a state of thoughtlessness? Does that feeling exist? Is that state of mind called Nirvana? Wow, that seems like a hard thing to achieve.

I woke up excited the next day and frantically searched for a meditation or yoga class in my neighborhood. The timings of the yoga and meditation class interfered with dinnertime for my daughter so I gave up on that. Again that night before sleeping I was making my mental list and at the same time wondering how to achieve this thoughtless state of mind.

If I have sparked some curiosity and made you slightly interested in the topic, I promise to get you on the other side. After failed attempts and different strategies to achieve this state of mind, I realized that I didn’t need to be in this thoughtless state of mind all day. In the real world where I live, it would not be possible to juggle work, home and a child if I was constantly in this thoughtless state of mind.

All I needed was 20 minutes of focusing on myself. I joined the gym and did some cardio for 20 minutes without staring at the television and without music. There are days when I can’t get to the gym, on those days I choose to do some simple stretches at home without any external stimulation. I have to admit those 20 minutes of not thinking of chores helps me recharge myself. Initially some chores/errands will seep in your head but you have to consciously try to block them for 20 minutes. Eventually you will get your full 20 minutes of nothing. When I was younger “nothing” was so boring but in my mommy role the idea of “nothing” is amazing!

Do anything you like; for starters you may choose to paint your nails, drink chamomile tea, apply a face pack or go for a walk around the block. I insist on doing any self-nourishing activity alone and the only disclaimer I have is to avoid external stimulation such as television or music. This is you your moment so don’t let the TV, iPod or anybody else dictate your thoughts. I am still not sure what is Nirvana but this is the closest I have come to “mommy nirvana”.

For more articles on motherhood and parenting visit our sister site – www.theasianparent.com

I first saw television when I was 17 years old.  I first used a computer in my twenties, and did not own one until I was past thirty.   I had to take care of my siblings, because my mother was emotionally absent and my father was physically absent Рworking his heart out to provide for his family.

I got my first car when I was nearly thirty and I had to buy it myself.  The thought of buying me a car never even crossed the mind of my dad, even though I was the oldest child.  His reasoning was that apart from the cost РI was already a liability because I went to university РI was soon going to find a husband who would be able to transport me or buy me a car.

Of course when I had my child, I vowed that he would never be deprived of these things like I was.  I would ensure that he would have a car, a television and a computer.  I would be involved in his upbringing and know everything about his friends and his activities.

I was so proud of myself when I achieved all these things for him.  When he went on to study and did not like the course, I just wanted him to be happy and he left the course.   When he could not find a job, I paid him an allowance.  He used the allowance to drive to a designer coffee shop every day in his own car, buy the newspapers and sit there all morning searching for a job while enjoying his coffee and cigarette.

Eventually the penny dropped (for me) and I found him a job.  When he did not like the job, I sympathised with him and told him about the lousy jobs I had to do in my life to put food on the table.  I also sold the house so that he had nowhere to go to if he decided to resign from his job.

It so happened that I left the country at the same time, thereby removing his entire comfort zone.  By then he was legally an adult and could not claim maintenance from anyone.  His friends were working or studying, and he had to look after himself Рhe did not even have any siblings to rely on, being an only child.

Poor boy.

However, you should see him today.  He is a competent, intelligent leader that people look up to and that employers are bidding for.

The other day one of his cousins complained about the hard work that his employer expected of him.¬† My son told his cousin about the time when he stayed in a garden shed because it was all he could afford, and how it made him grateful for what he had.¬† He also now encourages all his cousins to take their studies seriously and not make the “mistakes” he made.

When a chicken hatches from an egg, the egg does not break nicely on the dotted line.  That chicken has to kick and peck and struggle until it can break the egg from the inside.  It must then continue to struggle until there is enough space for it to get out of the shell.  And then it must start to walk around immediately Рno crawling, no help from the hen.

If you or I walk past and see the chicken struggling, we are tempted to simply break the eggshell away and help the chicken to get out.  Then we are surprised when this chicken that had a good start in life, cannot get onto its feet.  We are sad when this chicken becomes the prey of predators and is unable to run away fast enough.

I often hear how younger friends and relatives are trying to give their children everything they never had or always wanted but could not afford.  Then I wonder what is the best for me to do Рto stand on the sideline and see them learn their lesson, or to step in and say please let me tell you about my mistakes Рyou can still rectify yours.

But did I make any mistakes?  My son and I are both better people because of what we learnt from our journey.  Today he has things that money can buy, such as a car and television and computer.  But far more important is that he has compassion and integrity and good judgement and a sense of humour, and money cannot buy any of those things.

A Barbie doll may bring a sparkle to the eye of a girl, but being engrossed in a fascinating book will have a more lasting impact.  A new bicycle will bring joy, but earning the money to buy the bicycle will bring determination and a vision and a passion.

I would love to write a best-seller on good parenting, but I am afraid I will need a lot of input from the experts.  Do you know where I can find any experts?

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Elsabe Smit is the author of the soul-touching collection of short stories, A Tapestry of Life and of the blog http://www.mypurpleblog.com , Spiritual interpretations of everyday life.