That uncomfortable silence after a friend has told you his bad news or a rant of how overwhelmed she is. Break ups and broken arms and melt downs. Even for our best friends we don’t always know what to say or do to make it better. We fumble to fill the space with salving words, or sometimes worse, with solutions. When really, all we need to do is ask: How can I help?

This phrase works for tragedies and boo boos and bad days. It quells panic. It can create urgency or buy time. It’s effective with strangers and lovers.

Everyone understands it.

I learned this from my friend Michelle, who’s a super-sensitive Irish Italian social worker (read: hardwired to be helpful.) And even though she’s full of bright ideas and anecdotes, she has the presence to just pause and ask, How can I help?

It creates a soft space to meet.
It invites collaboration.
It empowers everyone.

How To Give A Compliment:

1. Sincerity is paramount.

Fake compliments are very bad juju. The good news is that you shouldn’t have to look too hard to find reasons to compliment the people around you.

2. Compliments on how great someone looks are an easy way to spread the love.

I was standing in line at The Gap and there was a 30-something woman ahead of me – cute as a button with pixie hair cut and red nails. She was wearing a hounds’ tooth knit poncho, skinny jeans, patent leather ankle boots and an over-sized men’s watch. She had it goin’ on. I waited until she was snapping her wallet shut and leaned forward and said, “You look great,” and gave her that chick-to-chick “well done” nod.

“Oh really? she said. “I don’t feel great.” And then her eyes filled with tears. “Gee, that was so nice to hear, thanks.” And I just nodded, a bit taken aback myself, my own eyes a bit misty. I hoped she walked a bit taller all the way home.

3. Compliments are a tiny but potent form of intimacy.

If you’re complimenting a total stranger, make it brief and quick so your pure intentions don’t get misconstrued as a come on. Sometimes, it’s best to compliment someone as a “drive by” or last minute gesture. And use your best intuition for the vibe.

I once walked up to a woman in a food court and said, “You look freaking fabulous.” She just about choked on her salad roll, but she did smile from ear to ear and I saw her grinning and nodding to herself as I walked away.

4. Compliments for good customer service are a joy to give, especially when you go out of your way to give them.

Last week I called customer service to open a new bank account online. “Just keep clicking ‘other’,” the guy prompted me. “And be sure to transfer this there before you do that or you’ll get dinged a fee.” He was my hero. “Robert,” I said, “This was such great service. Do you have a supervisor I can talk to? I’d like to tell them that you’re great.”

Well I thought Robert was going to break out into a show tune he was so happy. And, get this, when I spoke to his manager, he told me that staff with the most positive customer feedback will win a free cruise this year. So my one minute compliment may land Robert a good tan and some pina coladas when he most needs them.

5. Keep it simple.

Send love through your eyes and voice. Imagine things blooming from your lil’ gesture of goodness.

I’ll check in with you next week and I want to hear how you rocked the force of positivity for universal good. We can do it. We’re amazing human beings, each of us. Don’t need to look too far to comment on that.

Everyday, a hunchback came and took away the bread. Instead of expressing gratitude, he muttered the following words as he went his way: “The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”

This went on, day after day. Everyday, the hunchback came, picked up the bread and uttered the words: “The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”

The woman felt irritated. “Not a word of gratitude,” she said to herself. “Everyday this hunchback utters this jingle! What does he mean?”

One day, exasperated, she decided to do away with him. “I shall get rid of this hunchback,” she said. And what did she do? She added poison to the bread she prepared for him! However, as she was about to place the loaf on the window sill, her hands trembled. “What is this I am doing?” she said to herself.

Immediately, she threw the bread into the fire, prepared another one and placed it on the window sill. As usual, the hunchback came, picked up the bread and muttered the words: “The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!” The hunchback proceeded on his way, blissfully unaware of the war raging in the mind of the woman.

The woman had a son who had gone to a distant place to seek his fortune. For many months, she had no news of him and she prayed fervently for his safe return.

That evening, there was a knock on the door. As she opened it, she was surprised to find her son standing in the doorway. He had grown thin and lean. His garments were tattered and torn. He was hungry, starved and weak.

As he saw his mother, he said, “Mom, it’s a miracle I’m here. While I was but a mile away, I was so famished that I collapsed. I would have died, but just then an old hunchback passed by. I begged of him for a morsel of food, and he was kind enough to give me a whole bread. As he gave it to me, he said, “This is what I eat everyday. Today, I shall give it to you, for your need is greater than mine!”

As the mother heard those words, her face turned pale. She leaned against the door for support. She remembered the poisoned bread that she had made that morning. Had she not burnt it in the fire, it would have been eaten by her own son, and he would have lost his life!

It was then that she realized the significance of the words: “The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”

Our actions and words are born from our thoughts. Every thought is like a seed with potential to give rise to more such thoughts again. This why it is so important to be vigilant of our thoughts.

When we think thoughts of harming others, it is like tossing a dagger at the sky. Sooner or later it falls back on us. When we think thoughts of supporting others, it is like tossing fragrant flowers at the sky. Sooner or later they return to adorn us!

A simple way to treat negative thinking is by considering such thoughts like a shepherd treats his wandering sheep. Firmly, but lovingly he brings the sheep back into the flock.

We can use the word “Cancel” in our mind every time our thoughts wander to subjects we do not wish to dwell on. It is a simple but effective remedy!

Just like the carpenter shapes wood, the wise shape their lives. Let us keep the powerful moral of this story in mind and mindfully shape a wonderful life.

“The evil you do, remains with you! The good you do, comes back to you!”

First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one: ‘What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?’
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50′s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
‘Absolutely,’ said the professor. ‘In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello.’
I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Second Important Lesson – Pickup In The Rain

One night, at 11:30 pm, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled ’60s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.
It read: “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.”
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Third Important Lesson – Always Remember Those Who Serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
“How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.
“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
“I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Fourth Important Lesson – The Obstacle In Our Path

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what few people in the world truly understand: Within every obstacle lies a golden opportunity to improve our condition.

Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When It Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.”
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away?”
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.

Gratitude to Geir Ove Knutsen for sharing these five stories with me.

Let us all take these beautiful lessons to heart today…
1) In our life we will meet many people. All are significant. They all deserve our attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello.”
2) Never pass an opportunity to serve others. Our smallest gestures showing care can affect their life profoundly.
3) Always remember those who serve you, even in the smallest way. Never take them for granted even if they take you for granted!
4) Within every obstacle lies a golden opportunity to improve our condition.
5) Give when it counts. Give without counting. Give!

These universal stories have been selected by Nithya Shanti.

I do a ton of fund raising at work and it has made Herzing College a better place to work. The volunteer spirit has infected many of our employees and helped out a lot of local folks. But here is where it comes to venting. For three years I’ve been asking our administration to allow me to give away a full ride scholarship to some lucky area resident. I would partner up with a local radio or TV station to give away the almost $50,000 award and we together would change someone’s life. What a wonderful gift to give away and something easy for us as an educational institution to do. With all the layoffs, businesses closing and bad news appearing on the nightly news; wouldn’t an effort like this give people a little lift a little faith that it is going to get better?

I am a dumb idealist.

I approached area radio, TV and newspapers. The radio stations wanted money to advertise the contest to the tune of over ten grand. The newspapers wouldn’t respond to my various attempts at contacting them and the TV stations seemed interested and then disappeared off the radar screen. In total I reached out to over a dozen media outlets trying emails to DJ’s, calls to sales managers, calls to editors, calls and emails to community events editors, and on and on. I couldn’t believe that in these “terrible economic times” we are experiencing, that a local entity wouldn’t want to be our partner in giving away the chance of a lifetime to some Milwaukee resident; the chance to earn a college education at no cost.

After my failure with the locals I was contacted by a certain “made for women TV” national program about being a consultant for a talk show on women achieving their dreams through education. How exciting! I thought to myself that this would be a wonderful venue to give away our “new year, new career” full ride scholarship. So I propose the “partnership” to the producer who agrees with me that this is a great idea and her people are going to love it. Then the kicker – she needs $35K as an “assurance fee” to make sure that we will show up for filming. So I am supposed to now pay 35K to give away 50K. I am no genius but I can do this math. I broke up with the woman channel.

Feeling beyond defeated in my effort to change someone’s life, I stopped trying to pitch my partnership to anyone else. Then yesterday, a full month after I had given up my quest, I had a woman from a local charitable organization here in Milwaukee call me to see if we were interested in purchasing a $600 booth for an event specifically aimed at empowering women. I explained that I was the Director of Career Services and that although I had no interest in purchasing a booth, if they needed a speaker for the event or for a workshop I would be happy to volunteer to do so. As these words left my lips; the lost dream of my educational partnership crossed my mind and I thought to myself, maybe I will offer this up to this organization and their attendees. After she wooed and wowed about my speaking pitch telling me how wonderful my ideas were, I was informed that I would have to pay them…are you ready…$6,000 to speak at their event. (Insert Amy shaking her head here).

So here I am. I have permission to give away a dream and no dream catchers to share my vision with me. I am saddened by the responses to my efforts. Back in the day, if I wanted to do something “good” there were people jumping out of the woodwork to help. At the technical college we built a house teaching high school students construction skills by forming a partnership between several entities. No one asked any other partner for money; not once. A partnership was defined as a collective “stone soup” effort with each party bringing something to the table to benefit its purpose. Now it seems that the world is trying to sell me a pot to make my stone soup in. When did the definition of partnership change?

Any dream of being an educational philanthropist is gone. I will stick to donating blood as the Wisconsin Blood Center only turns me away when my iron is low and I’ll continue to use my own money to support my own little charities. I hope that my little increments of $50 here and $100 there are helping someone somehow. As we look forward to our country changing, I hope that we once again remember that we are supposed to all live here together, support each other, give to one another and take care of those who need to be taken care of. Giving shouldn’t cost and cost shouldn’t hinder trying to give back to your community. I hope that we can rediscover the meaning of partnership and reap the benefits to mind and soul that occurs when making stone soup.

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Amy is the Director of Career Services at Herzing College Online and teaches career development courses for the online campus. Email her at achastek@onl.herzing.edu or visit http://www.herzingonline.edu.