I realized I was “different” through occasional reminders such as this:  when walking to school in New York many years ago, someone yelled, “Ni Hao Ma?” (i.e. How Are You?) from a block away.  I looked back and a fellow college student I didn’t recognize started waving frantically and flashing his electric smile and blazing white teeth at me.  I wondered what I’ve done to deserve such warmth and friendliness from someone I didn’t know.  Was it simply the color of my skin?

I learned in a flash that you could turn your “weaknesses” into your strengths.  In PR terms, you could brand yourself through your USP, your Unique Selling Proposition.  Instead of denying my background and experiences, I decided to embrace them.

I would carve a career and eventually launch my own PR firm leveraging my understanding of Asia and Asian companies to support them in penetrating the American mainstream.

I would pitch to reporters in my natural accent influenced by all the places I have lived.  And because it was slightly different from a pure American accent, the reporters seemed to remember my voice and my pitches, and soon became my friends and willing contemplators of story ideas.

Can you think of people you know who have turned their weaknesses into strengths?

Our current president Barack Obama did not have the pedigree of a Kennedy, but he leveraged his bi-racial background and his humble international upbringing to win hundreds of millions of supporters around the world.  Take a moment to contemplate your “weaknesses.”   Perhaps they are really your strengths and can be turned into your USP (Unique Selling Proposition) with a little creativity and panache?

I love Ralph Waldo Emerson’s writings. He lived in the 1800’s and was a philosopher and essayist from Boston. In his essay, Self-Reliance, he says “There is a time in every (wo)man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till.” I believe he was not speaking literally here about farming…but rather telling us to “till” the life and gifts given us in order to tap into that endless good.

He also says, “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you…nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of our own mind.”

A coach once gave me some great advice that I embraced. She said, “flaunt your quirks.” The quirkier the better. What this means is that all the qualities and characteristics that make you unique are part of your essential, true self. And when you are being true to yourself you are attractive to others. You will attract just the right people into your personal and business world. Think of someone who you consider successful. Can you name some of their “quirks?” Chances are you can.

Being authentic doesn’t happen in one fell swoop. It happens daily in the choices you make – if a decision is based on what you imagine society thinks you “should do” or when you make a choice based on what you think will impress someone else…that’s probably not authentic.

When you have defined what’s important to you –where it is important to expend your time and energy on this planet –and you make your choices guided by that…you’re being authentic.

Learn from others. Sure. Take what you like from them and integrate it into who you are. Don’t imitate…that makes your soul wither…let your unique spirit shine in the world!

It breaks my heart when I work with women who hold back and don’t fully share their gifts with the world – even when I can see that they are shining stars.  And I can relate!  I’ve been there.  I had very little self confidence in my younger days (middle age has its blessings). Here are five tips to build your entrepreneurial confidence.

1.  Act now. Procrastination feeds fear.  With each success you have, you lay another brick in your confidence foundation.  Choose an action that you feel you can accomplish — even if it’s a little scary — and get it done.

2.  Keep an accomplishment log.  Women often discount what they’ve accomplished, attributing their success to luck or other people.  Keep a log of your accomplishments  and read them when you start to feel self doubt.  This is also a great tool to keep your resume or portfolio updated.

3.  Save testimonials. I have a “testimonial” folder in my outlook email box.  When someone sends me a thank you or a compliment of any kind, I save it in that folder.  This serves two purposes: firstly testimonials are a powerful marketing tool — people love to buy from someone who shows them testimonials that talk about specific outcomes, and secondly, reading them reminds me of why I get out of bed every day and do what I do.

4.  Faith it till you make it. I know…you’ve heard “fake it till you make it”…but at the Authentic Life Institute … we say “faith.”  I have said “yes” to requests that are in alignment with my business and values even though, at the time, I wasn’t confident I could meet the request.  I knew I’d figure out the “how” if I made a commitment.  An example was the first time I was asked to give a radio interview…my first internal reaction was a big gulp and a “I’ve never done that and don’t have a clue what to expect” fear.   My external reaction was a confident, “Yes, thank you for the opportunity and what date are you looking at?”  In this case, the interviewer was experienced and sent me questions ahead of time…yes, I was nervous and no, I don’t think listeners knew it.  With experience, I’ve learned to have a few “talking points” I want to be sure to work into the interview, regardless of what questions the interviewer asks…I didn’t do this the very first time and it was just fine.

5.  Don’t Dwell on Mistakes. Do you ruminate over your mistakes…playing the scenario out in your mind over and over again?  That’s a habit to drop.  Instead, learn to become a gentle, reflective, observer of yourself.  For example, after I give a workshop or presentation, I reflect on the experience.  I consider what I might do differently next time and then I spend more time reflecting on all the things that went well.  Most of all, I congratulate myself, for “getting out of the way” and remembering that the purpose of the presentation was to inspire others.  Yes, learn from your experiences, but keep the big picture perspective.

Walk tall today.  Know you have unique gifts to share with the world.  Confidence is attractive…let yours shine!

For about six months, my sweet husband has been saying, “Look babe, if you want me out of the office, just say the word and I’ll make space for myself in the loft.”
“It’s alright, I can make it work. Stay.” I’d reply, as I stepped over fire-fighting gear and running shoes on the way to my desk. On other days the refrain was more along the lines of, “Would you puhleeese get your crap out of here, I’m trying to write the next great inspirational bestseller! I need white space, dammit!” Ahem.

A few weeks ago, I took him up on his request. I took my space. I booted his booty and boots out. I installed a new white desk. On one of my series of four perfectly aligned magnetic white boards I hung a postcard from my favourite monastery, an old Elvis coaster, and a long pheasant feather. The others are filled with square pale yellow sticky notes of tour dates and article ideas.

The man is truly happy upstairs with his laptop and model canoe. I’m euphorically creative and the Virgo in me is giddy with productivity. What took me so long to take what I needed?

What’s right in front of you waiting to be taken, indulged, used up and embraced? Banked sick days? An offer for mentoring, free advice, or a shoulder to lean on? A rainy day account? A white canvass whispering, make me your masterpiece?

Why do we delay gratification, put off what’s rightfully ours and rebuff well-intentioned favours and offerings of support?

3 EXCUSES FOR NOT TAKING WHAT YOU NEED

“But I can take it.”
I could write a novel in the middle of a football game, in the pouring rain, on a type writer, while eating a burrito. I think it’s a mix of being an only child raised in the country, and being innately ambitious that gives me the capacity to tune out and get stuff done. But tuning out, and rising above, and weathering the storm isn’t ideal. It’s endurance. The root of the word endure is “to bear suffering.” Be it a less-than-fulfilling relationship, or soul-sucking j-o-bs, just because you can take it, doesn’t mean you should. Stamina does not always equate to bliss.

“I don’t want to impose.”
Impose! Most of the people in your life want you to be happy. Assume that you’re surrounded by grown ups who actually mean what they say when they offer to take your kids, proofread your work, or lend a hand. It feels good to give. It feels good to receive. We’re all in this together.

“I don’t need much.”
Austerity only works if it gives you the space to feed your soul. Fierce independence is life-affirming, but it’s only part of the formula for wholeness. Life is an abundant proposition – but it’s just that, a proposal. You need to say yes to all that it wants to give you. It’s a great offer.

The universe works on supply and demand. Which means it’s all yours for the taking.

Each one of his 39 Keys to Creativity is a sutra of street-wise insight. Here are my favorite gems:

: Question how much freedom your path affords you. Be utterly ruthless about it. It’s your freedom that will get you where you want to go.

: So now corporations are awash with non-autonomous thinkers.
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”

And so on.
Creating an economically viable entity where lack of original thought is handsomely rewarded creates a rich, fertile environment for parasites to breed.

: As the artist gets more into her thing, and as she gets more successful, the number of tools tends to go down. She knows what works for her.

: Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside.

: The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.

: Anyone can be an idealist. Anyone can be a cynic. The hard part lies somewhere in the middle — that is, being human.

Sprinkled with MacLeod’s now-legendary back-of-business card cartoons, Ignore Everybody manages to be both raunchy and lovely, sardonic and warm. MacLeod’s found that it is essential humanity that makes all the difference.
Go get it.

Hugh MacLeod’s blog: GapingVoid.com

What’s the ME brand?

Each of our ME brands are work in progress, and a sort of focused and continuous & RIGHT self-speak efforts are needed to communicate our thoughts through our brand ME. What we are seen as is what we communicate through our ME brand-speak.

Brand ME also makes sure that you communicate your position sans any ambiguity in the professional marketplace, and equally so, on the personal front – as a spouse, as a parent and as a socially responsible person.

To throw a little illustration, if you want you/your ME brand to be seen in as a successful professional in your space, then your walk and talk ought to be in sync with all that is needed to be so – both the hardware: the efforts needed, the knowledge & skills you ought to possess, and most of all the power to execute – you will carry all this and more to be seen and also be recognized as a successful or to-be-successful professional.

And the ME brand-speak shall be seen as the ‘software’ – that makes your hardware to be seen by all those in the relevant marketplace – be it the place of work, or home, or the social ecosystem.

Your ME brand speak will talk the entire walk you can do, amply well, and sort of loud and clear in the marketplace. Loud and clear does never mean being brash about what you are made off, but is being unambiguously clear about what would make you stand out and be different out there – be it in the kind of work you do, or the sales you can achieve, or the knowledge/core competence you will bring to the table in any place.

The ME brand speak would apply equally to any work and personal situation – you need to talk the walk you do and want to do as a parent, a child, a associate in any event and so on – this can be in any place, in any time and in any situation.

The ME brand speak is also so important and crucial in bridging the gap between perception and reality, more from the extent of the value you add in any given place. I am sure most of us agree that we did not get that deal, or get that hike or promotion or anything measurable and tangible just because it was not communicated or packaged in sync with what was delivered or done in reality.

The more you think of what you keep telling everyone or what all those around you see, is more of what your ME brand-speak is. Whether this is in sync with what you as an individual are or what your true capabilities are, is more a function of your ME brand speak, that any other factor.

Its’ worth so much to gather your thoughts together to create your own ‘ME brand speak now’. It’s also a wonderful exercise to introspect all your facets of life, and create an appropriate ME brand-speak, that reflects you in the right perspective to all those in the marketplace.

So, what’s your ME brand-speak? Are you packaging you as much what your true capabilities and qualities are? Do it now, for a better & greater LIFE…..

I am painfully shy and a compulsive introvert. All through school and architecture college, I had successfully stayed away from all forms of public speaking to the extent of not raising my hand to respond to questions for which I had the answers.  If I had to make a presentation, I would strive extra hard on the content in the hope of my work speaking for itself. Alas that never worked and eventually I learnt to adjust  but lost out to peers who had the gift of the gab.

Moving on, like a conniving coward, as I was finally reveling in the smugness of ducking yet another obstacle of life, fate with its perverse sense of humour came and hit me bam in the face.

Who would have ever thought a design school would have mandatory public speaking classes?

So here I was, in my first public speaking class with a bunch of mostly gregarious and confident students.  The few that I suspected were stuck in the cold like me, gave such warm and lucid self introductions, I contemplated running out of the room and keep running to end of the earth. To squash all expectations at the very onset, I hammed through my introduction, thereby successfully displaying my complete lack of oratory skills. After several perusals of the course material, I realized class presence and quizzes alone could carry me through the class. Haha I had managed to dodge the bullet again!

However, that quirky little demon, “Bright Idea” which dresses in  black with cape and a wizard’s hat – I am convinced that it hates me to the bones – suddenly appeared on my right shoulder. Though I tried to fight its hypnotic spell, I finally capitulated to its absurd demand of giving the class an honest try.  So I spent the next few weeks reading the text book repeatedly, making bundles of notes, writing, re-rewriting and practicing my speech in front of the mirror until my throat hurt.

At last, came the day of my first speech. I walked up to the podium with a zillion butterflies in my stomach, my heart palpitating at clinically dangerous levels, my throat parched worse than the driest sections of the Sahara, to face a dozen disinterested faces, a few stifled yawns, the blessed bowed heads completing assignments and the beaming encouraging face of the professor.  My breath was coming hard and shallow, my knees were giving away and my head was spinning in sync with the Earth. And then I heard my own voice, strong and clear floating across the room, emphatically raising the bowed heads and wiping off the boredom. I was looking down at forty mesmerized strangers trying to catch onto every word coming out of my mouth.  What sheer power I held!

After the first speech, the next few came much easier and I finished the class with top grades. I subsequently enrolled for the debating class and won each one I participated in.  I took the basics of public speaking and nudged them into every crevice of my life.  Consequently, job interviews and presentations not only became a walkover but my social life suddenly exploded. From being the silent outsider, quietly sipping her drink in the corner, I abruptly metamorphosed into the confident, intelligent raconteur at parties.

Spontaneous public speaking isn’t yet one of my natural abilities. I still write my speech, practice, practice and practice till my throat hurts and I wrestle the butterflies. I know there are many more out there like me; languishing in the shadows, resignedly watching less competent peers march ahead by virtue of the elusive gift of the gab. Hey don’t surrender! Give public speaking one honest attempt and I promise you will soon be ruling the roost.  There are many good books on public speaking in the market but I know, if you are how I used to be, you will never open one of those.  However, I also know that once you have experienced the power of captivating your audience you will buy those books by the dozen and read them voraciously from cover to cover until your pores bleed oratory knowledge.

Here are some basic pointers to take you there:

- Write down the main points of your speech. These could be either just words or short sentences.
- Now format an essay with the words and sentences you have jotted down. There should be introductory paragraph, followed by two or three paragraphs of the body and a concluding paragraph.
- Read this essay aloud. Make necessary corrections. Keep repeating until you are moderately satisfied.
- Now add a suitable anecdote here and there, infuse some humor but please don’t overdo it. If you are not comfortable just skip this step.
- Stand in front of a mirror and read your speech aloud. After a couple of times, try practicing without actually reading your essay.
- Keep practicing until you know your speech almost by heart.
- Now concentrate on your facial expressions, voice modulation and hand gestures. Try to use your body to communicate.
- Keep practicing until you have perfected your speech. This may take many more attempts than you ever imagined. I had to practice my first speech close to thirty times.
- However never try to memorize your speech to the last word, pause and gesture since that will spoil your spontaneity.
- The time has come to deliver!
- Walk up to the podium confidently. Remember all the amazing speakers watching you also had to practice their speeches, felt a zillion butterflies in their stomachs and almost died from shortness of breath.
- Smile – it helps ease nervous energy.
- Breathe, breathe and breathe.
- Look down at your speech, look up at your audience and speak.  Don’t shut your eyes instead look them right in the eye. The adulation will egg you on.
- Finish to the thundering applause and bask in the glory!

Please take that first step and before long you will be progressing in leaps and bounds. Eventually you will master the art but until then keep practicing, smiling, breathing and speaking! Speak out loud.

“At least to my knowledge.”
“In my humble opinion.”
“If I am not wrong.”
“Hope you don’t mind.”
Every day, we are faced with a typical situation where in we hide behind these phrases. Why is that so? Are we trying to be polite? No! We do so, simply because, we fear the sting of “embarrassment”, if proven otherwise!

What do people fear about being publicly embarrassed? I suspect it might be because, it could prove fatal! Yes, people do commit suicide because they were embarrassed!

Last week, it was just another meeting at our local Toastmasters club*.

Again a session of table topics, and the usual suspects walked up to the lectern, got their topic, and fumbled with words (mind you “words” not even “sentences”) for about 10 seconds and walked back for a round of applause! It is customary in Toastmasters to applaud all speakers regardless of the quality of their performance, just to encourage people! As someone who believed, “One is either a winner or a mere spectator”, I never commended a poor performance. There was never a sense of purpose in my applause at the club meetings so, it was just the ritualistic thud thud thud….

I used to wonder, how embarrassing it must be for those losers who were not able to string together a few theme-related words or coherent sentences for a mere 10 seconds. This was happening for quite some time. That evening, after the meeting, during a casual talk, I stumbled on a startling revelation that one of the speakers was the wife of the President of our club. The very moment I came to know of this fact, my world view about “embarrassment” had changed for ever.

This man, the President of our club, a man of great stature, admired for his public speaking skills, did not have any qualms or embarrassment in bringing his wife, who possessed less than adequate public speaking skills, to the Toastmasters club. It then occurred to me that he would have been a real loser if he had felt embarrassed and had left his wife at home. By not feeling embarrassed and bringing his wife to the very same club, he showed extraordinary levels of maturity, sincerity and importantly, lead by example as to how one could be successful if he/she were to shed the cloak of embarrassment. I am sure his wife and our fellow Toastmaster will one day become a competent speaker!

When I extrapolated the same to other speakers who fumble at the lectern week after week, I can only admire them. The new perspective which I acquired, helped me identify the enduring spirit in people, who, do not feel “embarrassed” but continue to have a go at it, week after week just to ensure they improve their public speaking skills.

I have come to realize that one has a lot to lose by feeling embarrassed.

I have been dying to have a line or quote from myself which people could use. Therefore when I framed the quote “Embarrassment is the proudest virtue of a loser”, I was delighted! But as always, there was a thought lingering at the back of my mind that I might make a big fool out of myself by claiming the competence and wisdom to frame a quote. So, I wanted to dilute my stance by adding one of the escape lines mentioned above like, “In my opinion, embarrassment is the etc….”

But then, I realized that I was going back to the same old bad habit of wearing the cloak of embarrassment! I have shed that cloak now. Instead, if someone can prove that the quote was already attributed to a great thinker, I will apologize and get on to the job of shaping another quote. Otherwise, I will never frame a quote in my life!

Also, if people who committed suicide because of embarrassment, had just stepped back and thought for a second, they would have realized that it is always a better choice to live and be embarrassed for a moment rather than die and be remembered as a coward!

Next week when I go to my local Toastmasters club, my applause will have a sense of purpose and will probably louder than anybody else’s!

* Toastmasters International is a movement started in 1924 at Santa Anna USA by a visionary called Ralph C. Smedley with an objective to improve public speaking skills and build leadership qualities in an individual. A typical meeting consists of 3 parts (prepared speech session, evaluation of the prepared speeches and then a table topic session). The table topic session gives every member a chance to speak extempore for 2 minutes on a given topic. Today there are about 200,000 members and the movement is spread across 82 countries.

For more details visit: www.toastmasters.org

When I left behind that “academic identity” 10 years ago, I knew it would be important for me to get out and meet people to share information about my career coaching services and to establish myself as an expert in this field that was new to me. I was quite nervous about this activity but recognized the value enough to talk myself into attending 3 different networking meetings each month. This week, I want to share what I learned with you about what works in networking.

Strategy #1: Know Your Intention.

Before you attend a meeting, get clear in your own mind, what you would like to have happen. Play the scenario out in your mind like a movie. My intention is usually to meet at least 2 people who can help me by referring clients to me and whom I can help in some way that will be important to them.

Try out a networking event before you join. Each has a different flavor – find the ones that are comfortable for you. I recommend joining three. I currently belong to my local Chamber of Commerce, my local chapter of National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO.com) and a mastermind group. I usually attend one breakfast meeting, one lunch meeting, one dinner meeting and one 5:00-7:00 pm “mixer” each month.

Strategy #2: Be Curious About Others

Be curious about people. Here’s a simple formula that works every time. Set a goal to have this conversation with at least 3 people each time you attend a networking event. Approach the person and say, “What is your business or what is your work?” Once they tell you, say “What kind of person is your ideal client? I’d like to know so I may be able to refer people to you.” Ask them for 2 or 3 cards that you can share with others. When they hand you their card, look at it for a moment, comment on it if you like something about it and jot down a note on it to remind you of how you might help them.

When you get back to your office, put them in your database. If you have an ezine or newsletter, send them your most recent issue with a note saying, “This may be of interest to you or may benefit someone you know. If you’d like to subscribe, click here (to your subscriber link) or if you don’t yet have an electronic database set up, say, “If you’d like to subscribe, shoot me a message back and I’ll add you to my list. If you know of someone who would benefit by this information, I’d appreciate it if you’d forward it along. If you have a newsletter or ezine, I’d also like to see yours.”

During the following weeks, if you see an article that contains information that pertains to that person, forward it to them with a note. If they are helpful to you in anyway, send a thank you card. The fact that you are thinking of them and wanting to help them will help establish a relationship.

Strategy #3: Practice answering the question – “What is your business?”

You need to have a quick, specific answer that you can say with ease and confidence. This takes practice and fine tuning and that’s ok. As I mentioned early in this ezine, I just attended a conference this past weekend. I was struck by how many people could not answer this question easily when I asked it of them. Many people said to me, “Wow, you are so clear.”

Here’s what I said when someone asked me what my work was: “I work with women over 40 who want to be self employed. They either can’t decide what business to start, or they have started a business and need help growing it so they can make plenty of money.”

Strategy #4: Use Both Sides of Your Business Card.

Don’t agonize over your first business cards and don’t spend a ton of money on them. No doubt, you will change your mind about the design/content over time. I recommend Vistaprint.com. Don’t forget to use the valuable space on the back of the card. You can use this space to list your key services or speaking topics or include a great testimonial here.

Ann Ronan, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, certified career coach and self employment expert, and vision generator.
Ann delivers smart, simple ways for people to acknowledge what they love to do and do more of it. Her articles, products, and books have motivated and inspired readers in numerous print and online publications. She regularly leads coaching programs, tele-seminars and live retreats, bringing the message to audiences internationally that living a passion-based life will bring prosperity and success.
She was recently selected from a nationwide search to be featured in Discover Your Inner Strength. The book features best-selling authors Stephen R. Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People), Brian Tracy (Million Dollar Habits), and Ken Blanchard (One Minute Manager).

Fear!

Why do we fear, one wonders? You may recall that as a very young child, you were usually free from fear. You may be perched at the edge of a high wall, or about to touch the hot tea kettle – you aren’t scared! But could we call it bravery? Certainly not! Being unaware of the dangers, one is free from the fears. So at this very early stage in life, that parents and well-wishers rush in to make the child aware of the impending dangers and to protect the tender young one.

Again as a child, does one fear other people? Certainly not! A child normally trusts that the world is full of angels they want to meet – except when someone is aggressive. Soon enough, the child begins to think, he/she can do anything on impulse and then it is time to tell the child what is acceptable behaviour and what is not!

“Don’t pick that crystal! It cost us a fortune,” you yell at the child. Not that you want him to know how many day’s wages it cost you to buy it, just that you don’t want him to drop it and break such a lovely possession. It wouldn’t be long before the little imp learns to cope with high decibel levels and continues to do just what he wanted to – pick up that crystal – and throw it! So your effort to control the child’s behavior has just failed and the child has just learnt how to overcome the “fear” of a yelling adult.

Time to look for a better and more effective method, you tell yourself. How about spanking? Or punishing the child, maybe? You are at your wits’ end, nevertheless. When it is time for the child to go to play-school, you are alarmed because you have yet to discover the really effective means to discipline your child. But now you have other folks, who would share the responsibility of conditioning your child to the ways of the world, such as the teachers or the school administrators.

Now that you’ve got the hang of it all, you may be wondering why am I, knowing nothing of psychology should be writing about learned behaviour and fear?

Well, I am motivated by some recent incidents of extreme and ruthless punishments which were meted out to kids as “discipline’. I refer here to instances where children were beaten up or made to stand out in the sun with bricks on their shoulders. Is it not time that parents, teachers, education experts and child psychologists got together and identified punishments that are acceptable to a civilized society and those that are not? Do schools have any guidelines on this subject?

Once out of school, it is time to join college! One is not so sure whether your “conditioning” was complete or incomplete, but you sure did pass the tests and stuff. So off you go to college – to have fun! But one wonders what is your idea of fun? If it is cracking jokes in the canteen in your spare time or slipping away to a multiplex near your college once in a while, then there is nothing to worry about except the occasional irate lecturer who might have noted your absence one day when you played truant. But not everyone is satisfied with such innocent pastimes and you may have to worry about what “fun” means to others – especially your seniors!

Their idea of fun could be ragging newcomers – and that could be you! Fortunately, the practice of extreme ragging is not as rampant as it appears from the extreme cases that are reported by the mainstream media. Some college students do participate in mild forms of ragging – usually for fun – and certainly not the kind which turns “real fun” into its ugly anagram – “funeral.” Some instances of extremely dangerous cases of ragging have taken place notably in the case of young Aman Kachhroo. But, after reading the reports about these incidents, one begins to believe that these cases are not really about ragging but something beyond that –bullying.

It is then that one realizes that the child had not been taught about how to deal with bullies! But weren’t we busy teaching the child to fear all along? Did we spare a thought about how the child would cope with fearsome bullies?

Isn’t it time to introduce courses and discussion forums to embolden the child, so that he or she will have the courage to speak up against the scourge of bullying and deal with this menace more effectively?

Especially, when the world is yet to learn to cope with terrorists, extremists, tyrants, scamsters, criminals and what-have-you – all bullies of a kind!

“I’m sorry for being so strong>pointedly opinionated. Sorry about that I really need to take the edge off.”

“I’m sorry, but I so crave laughter and you’re inability to catch sarcasm and my goofy charm is breaking my heart, but maybe I just need to be more understanding and flexible – sorry, I’ll just buck up and quietly find the humour in things on my own. It’s okay. I’ll just be laughing to myself over here in the corner.”

“Oh and about my need to be adored….yeah, sorry about that. It must be so annoying that I love to be loved. I’ll do you a favour and lower my expectations. I mean, I should be able to get by on less love by now, I am a grown up after all.”

And so it goes. The self-hatred steamroller squashing down essentially lovely needs. {See the definition of lovely below..it’s, well, lovely} It’s a human tragedy actually, that we deny ourselves that which feeds our spirit most substantially; that we demean ourselves for simply wanting what we want and being sad when we don’t get it. Sadness is a signal: Go find soul provisions. Seek happiness. Now.

MY POSITIVELY SOUL SUSTAINING MUST-HAVES

It’s a fact: I want the best for you and I will tell you what I think is best for you for that very reason. My logo sums it up: key to my heart and a straight-shooting arrow. Have opinions, will speak them. I need to have my intentions and dharma understood, or at least appreciated.

You have to laugh at my jokes. Because, it’s a fact, on most occasions, I am one witty rascal mamasita. And if you’re not laughing at my jokes, then you better have your own wicked sense of humour to fill the laugh gap. Because if you don’t have a sense of humour, it ain’t funny!

I much to prefer to be adored than resisted. So, I will go where the love is. And that, I have finally figured out, is more noble and lovely than I ever thought true.

Of course I don’t, can’t, will never get my needs met consistently – not even by a long shot. But it’s the practice of loving my longings that sets my True Nature free. And I need that freedom more than anything.

What do you positively need?

love⋅ly
1. charmingly or exquisitely beautiful.
2. having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye.
3. delightful; highly pleasing.
4. of a great moral or spiritual beauty.

“Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” These words of Christ express a natural law; mainly, the world responds to those who ask. Why then are we afraid to ask, to use those words.

During my school days, I used to dread competition, “what if I lose?” The habit continued, till about a year ago, when I did an inspirational speech. The speech was delivered, and I could almost see the winner’s trophy, when they announced, and winner is…XYZ. They didn’t announce my name. Sure enough, I had lost, or so I thought then.

A little while later an old acquaintance walked up to me. He put an arm around me and said, “Ritu, was what you said about your father having a near death experience, true?”

I confirmed it was. “You see, I have a special child, and I face a challenging situation at home every day, your speech fills me with hope.” I could see his eyes were moist.

A couple of days later, a friend called up, “Ritu, that speech of yours, the one about your father, well it inspired me so much, I hope some day I shall be able to inspire people like that.”

Another acquaintance had quoted the same speech for his icebreaker.

Then it happened! I realized that if I said something and someone made it a part of his/her life, I had touched a life. I hadn’t lost that contest. I had discovered something that worked. WORDS.

My favorite song by Boyzone runs, “It’s only words, and words are all I have…to take your heart away.” 

It is indeed a pity to hear someone say, “If she really loved me, she would know how I feel.” Or worse, “We have so many arguments, maybe we aren’t meant for each other.”

My advice for such couples is that your better/bitter half is not a mind reader. Humans are capable of expressing through words, and experiencing infinite emotions. If you are arguing, congratulations, you are on way to getting to know the other person through the art of expression. Expecting someone to read your mind, is like putting a newspaper out in the sun and hoping it will burn. Use words as a magnifying glass, to direct the sun rays, and the paper will burn. Still suffering from the “read my mind” syndrome? My remedy is, marry a mind-reader, or better still date a brain scan.

My father used to say, “Words are like arrows, once out of the mouth, they can never be taken back, one needs to be careful with what one says!” Another powerful saying goes, “be careful, what you ask for may come true” What if you never asked for anything, you would never get what you could have got had you asked for it. You would never know what you missed. As a child I loved a pair of pink shoes that I saw once at a store. Every birthday, I would secretly hope that my parents or someone would gift me those shoes. Every birthday, you’ve guessed it, I didn’t get those shoes…because I didn’t ask for them. Last year, Christmas time I walked into the store with my mother, looked at the shoes and spoke out loud, “Ma, may I have these pink shoes, please?” Today, the shoes sit in my shoe-rack as a gift from mom.

Percy Ross has aid, “The world is full of genies waiting to grant your wishes.” You need to use those words, to marry the girl of your dreams, to influence someone, to get your emotions across to the person you love, or to get the shoes that you want. To learn what you can get you need to ask for what you want.

Often, when a person is gone, we give long eulogies, but how many of us bother to tell a person how wonderful he/she is while he is still with us. Use those magical words… be it “I love you” or “I am sorry” or “Will you be mine” or “This is what I meant” or “May I have this” or “You mean the world to me” or “You matter” or “You made a difference to my life”.

Use the power of words. Keep talking. Keep writing. Keep influencing!

–

Dr. Arora is a freelance corporate trainer, Reiki master, feng shui consultant and aromatherapist. A periodontist by education, a Toastmaster by passion, she has been actively associated with radio, theatre and fine arts. Visit her websites www.mentalsparks.com and www.camelliastory.com.

Now, imagine you’re the toy. Not only are you being pulled this way at that, but, more importantly, no one is playing with you. Your purpose, your great potential is being squandered, lost in the scuffle. You’re a participant, but you’re not empowered.

Now imagine the reaction from the two kids when the toy shakes them off and speaks its own mind. Everything changes.

Think of a time when you felt like that toy: tossed about by the opinions of others, used or overlooked, not contributing to your full potential. What kept you from exerting a healthy boundary of your own?

In the toughest, most challenging situations, the situations in which we most need to claim our space and protect ourselves, our ability to think and plan wisely can get pushed underground. We’re too busy just trying to get through the moment.

What if we insert a powerful analogy into that tough moment, in the form of a visual image with the ability to trigger and empower? Visual imagery can short-circuit brain freeze and provide direction, even when you feel overloaded.

Here’s how it works. Imagine that every person is the captain of their own little boat, a rowboat big enough for only one person. We all float in our boats on the water. When we approach one another we’re easy to see. And small boats respond quickly to their environment. If the guy in the boat near you suddenly flings his big foot into your boat, you notice. Your boat tips and you hang on tight, fighting for balance. Not only that, if you shove his foot back to him and put some distance between the two boats, you’ve declared a boundary. The visual analogy of sitting in your own boat provides a simplified way to recognize a boundary breach and to figure out how to set things right.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re being pulled in a direction you don’t want to go, stop and hold onto the sides of your boat. Look around to see who’s trying to board. Get your own feet back into your own boat. Ask yourself what you need. Then row in that direction.

Healthy boundaries change everything. Take a good look around. You’re in charge, Captain.

–

Grace Kerina founded www.HighlySensitivePower.com to provide tools and encouragement to empower sensitivity, including the Healthy Boundaries Handbook and the Creativity Prompts Compendium. You can reach her at grace@highlysensitivepower.com.