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Should your spouse live four houses away?
by Rachana Sharma Filed under Communication, Healing, Life Skills, Marriage, Personal Growth, Problem Solving, Relationships
In my college days my favorite professor used to say that spouse should live three-four houses away. “It is so nice to meet him or her, now and then and spend calm evenings together as the best of the best friends. Then say bye to each other with promises to meet again and go to your bed to sleep peacefully.”
At that juncture of life, when young urge and search for true love was in full bloom, that was hard to believe and difficult to comprehend. But now, after five years of marriage with a gem of person, I am able to make sense of what my witty professor wanted to communicate.
You will be surprised that even though I say that my spouse is a very good person, I do agree with the professor. Marriage is such a relation that even if you get the best of the universe, you have a long list of disagreements and complaints against your life partner. The problem does not reside in the person, it is in the relation itself; it is too intimate to absorb.
As soon two persons marry, they search for compatibility. They forget that compatibility is not an attribute which can be taught or found but has to be developed by ourselves over time if we want and that too to an extent only. Moreover, for a human being it is difficult to transform after passing a certain age because a substantial part of our personality, outer and inner, has already solidified. Of course we can alter our behavior pattern, but do you buy a toaster and expect it to make juice for you? The toaster is designed to perform a certain function. Similarly, spouse is also ‘designed’ to play a certain role in your life. Rather than start learning those lessons we set off the journey of marriage with the task to change the other in order to achieve a comfort level with the new room partner. In case of husband, he wants wife to settle down with all his existing relatives and his house as butter melts in hot soup. If case of wife, she wants husband to be of the same nature and mind as ‘she’ perceived and expected him to be before marriage or what she thinks a ‘good’ husband should be. And the joy of marriage fades away within a year or a few month or sometimes just a few days.
Five years ago, I was married to a gentleman who liked clarity in thoughts and simplicity in ways of living. But soon I realized, as happens in most marriages (‘the truth’ always comes out later), that simplicity was not always a virtue. What about all the luxuries of life especially when you know you have the calibre to acquire them? Clarity of thoughts is good but sometimes it brings rigidity along and makes a person so confident of himself that he becomes self-centred.
In just a year, the other side of the coin showed up. Step by step many ‘secrets’ were revealed. Though we all know it’s always the head behind the tail yet we expect the head behind the head, when it comes to relations. Then the next four years were filled up with arguments, clarifications and accusations. Both of us criticized and worked ourselves up to teach each other ‘the right thing’. We fought. How could one allow the other to damage one’s interests. All my dreams and expectations were shattered and he always missed his beloved ‘peace’.
Now after spending five years in the battlefield of marriage I have some realizations which provid great relief to me. I am sharing these ideas with you with the hope that they could be of use to you as well:
1. Marriages are made in heaven but lived on earth.
2. Enjoy the toast if you bought a toaster and juice in case of juicer. Accept that toaster will remain toaster throughout its life. If you open up all of its parts in order to turn it into juicer, beware!! It will be of no use to you.
3. Once you have made a choice you can always extend the life-span and improve the performance of a machine and a relation by using it wisely and handling with care.
4. To teach a grown up it is sufficient to mention once or twice. If it is ignored it shows that the person is not ready to be taught yet. To teach somebody, sometimes silence works better and sometimes actions and, trust me, they are louder than our screams and shouts.
5. Compatibility is not taught but learnt, it is an effort.
6. By no means you can make other person ‘understand’ something if he or she is not willing to understand first.
7. Stop teaching, learn yourself.
8. Differences are not always meant to be sorted out; many of them can be enjoyed. And every wrong need not to be corrected.
9. Never lose your focus in life in exchange for the high hopes of marriage. Always have at least one passion in which you can absorb yourself. That is the only key to fulfillment.
10. Every relation is meant to give you some tips of life.
If you think that these ideas do not work for you, you can start saving money to buy another house in the vicinity, not for your spouse, but for yourself.
–
Rachana Sharma has Doctorate in Philosophy and Masters in Philosophy and Sanskrit. She has published articles in various philosophical journals such as Paramarsh (Pune University), Journal of Philosophical Research (New Delhi), and The Philosopher’s Index (Ohio University, USA).
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Hi Rachna,
Very good and powerfull article. You have mentioned very comples truths of marriage in quite a subtle words.
cheers for life
Praveen Rana
0044-7975860066
Wonderful description of the great institution of marriage. Good presentation and guidelines. Sam Paul
“I often wonder whether men and women really suit eachother. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” Katharine Hepburn Said that
I have started saving money…
Great writing style and striking presentation. Good Job.
Marriage is said to be an Agreement between the two parties(Husband & Wife). Strange, when so little was known about the Human relations, Psychology of Human mind, Education, Hygiene and other studies; but still a large percentage of Marriage was success in olden days.
Is it because of these learning we are expecting too much from each other? Great expectations, if not fulfilled lead to frustration and break-ups.
I would rather prefer an article from some senior guy from older era in guiding us to the peaceful existence of the institution called marriage.
I have been married for 37 years to a wonderful woman (not perfect, but wonderful). I would like to respond to Rachana’s comments.
Overall, it would appear that Rachana has overthought the issues. Folks can either think about life or live life. Most of us do some reasonable combination of both. Perhaps her PhD in philosophy has trained her to overthink, or perhaps that is her natural inclination and she gravitated to philosophy because of her inclination. In any event, I have grave concerns about her posits here, and hope that they do not dissuade anyone from love and marriage. While her ten rules seem to be reasonable, I have difficulties with the lead to them, which may be accurate for her but not true for the universe. Her comments and my responses follow.
1. “Marriage is such a relation that even if you get the best of the universe, you have a long list of disagreements and complaints against your life partner.”
If indeed one has a “long list of disagreements and complaints” with a spouse, perhaps they have not been handled appropriately. When things linger, they can become toxic. And, since everyone is imperfect and marries an imperfect other, folks must expect that there will be disagreements. The trick is determining the level of “disagreements and complaints” with which you (and your partner) are willing to live. Do they outweigh the benefits and love? If so, it is not the institution of marriage, but the partner chosen. There are myriad wonderful people in the world with whom I could not live or love.
2. “The problem does not reside in the person, it is in the relation itself; it is too intimate to absorb.”
Intimacy can be threatening. It means that you have to open to your partner, and she to you. With the right partner, it can be an exhilarating and humbling experience. Who among us does not wish to be understood, but how often are we truly understood? In a good (not perfect) marriage, this happens all the time. And the loss of this relationship can lead to death for the remaining partner soon after the death of a spouse. If marriage were “too intimate to absorb,” why would this loss have such consequences for a survivor?
3. “Moreover, for a human being it is difficult to transform after passing a certain age because a substantial part of our personality, outer and inner, has already solidified. Of course we can alter our behavior pattern, but do you buy a toaster and expect it to make juice for you?”
This, quite frankly, is balderdash. People change all the time. While change as we get older may be in smaller increments, and certain characteristics are more ingrained than others, change we do. You don’t believe all that you believed as a child. No matter what your age, you indeed will modify thoughts, feelings, and perceptions in many areas as you gain more life experience. If you don’t, you are ignoring the world around you.
The toaster – orange juice analogy is quite ridiculous. If I want orange juice, I certainly will have made a stupid mistake buying a toaster. That is like a man being a heterosexual and marrying another man. Marriage can be wonderful, but folks have to choose carefully at the beginning.
Love is not perfect, and in mine there have been disagreements and arguments and complaints, from both sides,. The love, however, remains stronger than the forces that try to tear us apart. Rachana says, “And the joy of marriage fades away within a year or a few month or sometimes just a few days.” This certainly is not universal; the joy of our marriage continues after 37 years. But I am sure that this attitude contributes to a high divorce rate. It has not been always easy for us, and there have been times my wife or I have been quite disappointed with the other. We have to work at marriage. But the intimacy shared, and the times talking, or just lying beside each other listening to our breathing, far outweighs any bumps in the road.
I wish the reader all happiness and success with your life partners. The intimate connection with a loving other is one of the greatest gifts we have.
Rachana, could you please explain the line “Though we all know it’s always the head behind the tail yet we expect the head behind the head, when it comes to relations.” I didn’t understand it a bit. It didn’t sink in at all.
There were a few gems amongst the ten rules but for the remaining part I would go with Sam’s inferences and analysis.
Nice inputs, Sam.
Praveen and Sam : Thanks
Rajeev : Katharine Hepburn Said but I did not give any statement; I raised a question.
Nishant : All the best !
Khan Jahangir : 1-In old days marriage was duty towards society and giving birth to kids was repaying your debt to parents. Now we want to know what this relation mean to an individual. This is new approach to understand old institution.
2- About success rate we can not claim anything. There were always successful and unsuccessful marriages. Dragging any relation for society sake can not be taken as success. Hindu ideal Ram has left Sita. Now actually we are more conscious about failures and our interest shows our positive attitude towards it.
Bob:Truth is universal or not; one can argue for both sides. When we state something it might be an angle to see a truth. What I presented in my article is also an angle of those who are trying to settle down with the intimacy of this relation which is completely new to them.
I do not think that I tried to dissuade somebody from love and marriage but tried to present what appears to us initially in marriage though it all settles down with time and efforts when we gradually understand and learn. ‘Long list of disagreements’, ‘too intimate to absorb’ etc are all initial turbulence which we face.
People change all the time, some Siddharth even turn into Buddha over night but how many people change them because other person wants them to change?
The joy of marriage which fades away in a year is the initial attraction and then couple reevaluates, comprehends and recharges their relation which remains the rest of life. I share your feelings that the intimate connection with a loving other is one of the greatest gifts we have.
Thanks for your comments.
Khan Sahib : Thanks for comments.
For your clarification, the coin has two sides. We all know if head is before us, the other side is it’s opposite i.e. tail. But, in relations we judge the persons from what he or she appears to us. We forget that when we know more and more about a person he or she might be totally different from what he/she appears initially.
1). Sorry but I beg to differ. Marriage was a duty to oneself, to satisfy our physical, psychological and social needs. Also, our need to share sorrows and happiness of each other. Children when born were not for repaying our debts but to increase the love between a husband and a wife. We are not animals, as in many animals when a male copulates he leaves the female to fend for herself and the kids. Love between a husband and wife grow stronger because of their children. Both are two sides of a coin, though they may never meet each other but they can’t live without each other also.
Consider, a part of your body is not working properly? What do you do? Try to live four houses away from it? No, you try to cure it, tend it and nurse it. If it is not really able to work you carry on your life with it, since you cannot separate it from your life. Thus, husband and wife are mortal humans. They err but the other person should bear it. Sometimes the horse carries the cart and sometimes the cart carries the horse.
2). We are more conscious about other’s failures. Dragging a relationship is not necessarily for society but for children and each other’s old age. If you break a relationship because of ego, self-centeredness and pride then repenting later is not a good idea. Marriages are made in Heaven but lived and nurtured on Earth. This requires constant effort and patience from both. The goal should be to strengthen the relationship rather then breaking it up for mere reasons.
Ultimately, if you, your hubby, your relatives and your hubby’s relatives all agree that breaking up is better for both then you may go for it. But, in my view living some distance away from your hubby certainly don’t help in healthy relationship. However, it may be true for other relationship.
The tips are very useful, if anybody follows these then he/she will taste the sweetness of being “CLOSE”.
Jahangir,
I have hardly any disagreements with your healthy thoughts towards marriage.
Just a few conceptual remarks:
You say, ‘Marriage was a duty to oneself, to satisfy our physical, psychological and social needs. Also, our need to share sorrows and happiness of each other.’
Duty and Need are two different rather many times opposite concepts. If it is need, then it may become useless if it does not satisfy need or we find something else which better satisfy. If it is duty, you have less excuses to break. That is another thing that all duties fulfill us in some or other way.
Kids, of course, are bond between couple. I am only referring to Indian ancient culture where it is also posed as duty.
I have no disagreement with you that husband wife are complimentary to each other. Rest as I mentioned in my response to Bob and Rajiv.
Regards
It seems as if Rachnaji is constantly on vigil about comments on the article because as soon as I submitted my comment I received a counter argument. This argument will lead us to nowhere. Everybody has been fed and brought up with their own traditions. No one can completely transform their thinking.
I have written what I felt. I would invite you to a café and we sit across a table.
6
If you look at it from your side, your perception would be totally different from what I see. Irrespective of what we see and believe; we respect each other and try to follow a common path is what is the beauty of the relationship.
I swear by my heart, even if you give counter argument; I wouldn’t be writing anymore.
Best regards
Hey Rachana , I am twice married. First time lost my husband in an accident after 2 children but before the differences came in. Then 10 years later at the age of 38 married again to a man who was wild and exciting and discovered that such a guy may make an interesting boyfriend but he is definitely not husband material!!
So made my peace and lived through till I got the opportunity to ” live 4 houses away “. In our case 2 different flats in the same building. I still cook for him and care as much as I can and we spend some nice calm evenings together but fortunately have our own space and time….
hi rachna , am a bachelor but still can sense all these things , thanx now and may b thanx a lot later
Hey Rachna,
I am new to this bog.very well written.I have been maried very recently n would say that it takes both the partners to make a happy ,successful marriege life and not one…
Rgds
Wow, fairly practical tips and views from a philosopher–so much for our prejudices and stereotypes, isn’t it?
Ironically someone has called this analysis as overthinking and proceeded to demonstrate a bit of, what can one say… overthinking!
The thrust of the article seems to have struck some as pessimistic but I felt it was optimistic in suggesting a way to approach the marriage relationship. Common anecdotal evidence does seem to indicate that most people do not seem to be thoroughly satisfied with the match of reality and their (perhaps vague) ideal (likely formed long ago).
Analogies, by definition, are limited but one thing to remember is that basic personality traits are the least likely to change compared to things like views and minor behavioural quirks.
Thanks for a thought-provoking article, Rachana.
amazing………..this article does serve as an eye opener-it does help us 2 understand marriage better-though it is easier said than done.
gosh-why get married and land up in a mess anyways!
Rachna
I hv gone thru the article and comments and counter. I feel you have given a very fair perspective of yours. There is nothing like wrong or right in this. At least i find the article quite interesting and useful.
Kumud, Interesting to know that living four houses away is practically successful.
Ankit,Girja,RG, Gitanjali and Sandeep, Thanks for your kind appreciation.
Cheers
Hi Rachna,
Thanks for a good article .I like the clarity and honesty you have portrayed in the relationship.
It takes courage to say that things are not good .There are indeed rough patches .I liked your statement…..”to teach somebody, sometimes silence works better and sometimes actions and, trust me, they are louder than our screams and shouts”.
Actions at times can make the difference just to tell the partner do not take mefor granted as I have friends and parents who can take care of me (or i cna take care of myself alone)..I am attached emotionally to the family …Do not use me ….
are worth trying …It goes forall to spend some moments alone everyday.
Take care
Ashu
Rachana, there is a lot of practical advice, street smarts and wisdom in your observations about marriage. Silence and actions do speak louder than words, u show your power best when u let people know with your actions what you are not willing to tolerate.
Wonderful.
Good points
Regards