Living and Building Relationships Without Blame

What is blame?

Blame is pinpointing to someone else, criticizing or holding someone or something other than self as responsible or indulge in a finger pointing exercise or harass with constant criticism.

I speak from a personal experience. I grew up as a child blaming and being blamed in equal measure. As a teenager, I was steeped in being blamed. As a young adult I decided in my subconscious that I was not going to take it any more and would retaliate strongly whenever I was blamed. So I played my part passing on blame whenever possible to whoever was willing to take it. I assumed it to be a logical way of living, blissfully ignorant of the pain I was causing to myself indirectly and to the others directly. I had absolved myself of any wrong doing and I thought that I had a right to be angry and aggressive.

At another level we had it reinforced in us in subtle ways that we had to be ashamed and repent or at least feel remorseful of all the wrong doings or we were most welcome to go on a guilt trip if you please.

So we excavated each little error, each little mistake and grew more and more self-righteous. Since we had confessed our sins now it was your turn. And if you did not, you were slotted as arrogant and headstrong. So the spiral escalated.

As I reach my middle age, I realize and look back with amusement and amazement at the sad designs we drew for ourselves and those we professed to love.

Why do we blame another?

It makes us feel good. It makes us feel that we are right and helps us place the responsibility on another person. It gives us licence to be aggressive on the one hand and feel like a victim on the other hand.

Our human mind works in myriad ways, seeking, coping, releasing or protecting this simple fragile self. As a result we behave in a manner in tune with this inner need.

What happens to the other person when we blame?

He probably gets a little disoriented if he is not in the wrong. He can withdraw, blame back or just cut off. Communication gets choked. To overcome this, one could have dialogue in a mature fashion. It calls for a humungous inner strength to speak the truth with candour and courage. One of the major fears of this action is the consequence that can happen.

Another perspective

As a non-violent communication (NVC) supporter, I see and experience that it is possible to communicate without negative feelings.

Imagine that all humans regardless of caste, colour or creed are here in this world for a purpose even if they are not aware of it. No life is complete when a person dies, merely a level is done and he has to move onto another level. He was here because he had to learn how to cope with issues that he created for himself, choosing lessons that he needed to learn. He could either sail through or make it worse or play it the way he chose at the beginning. That’s free will for you.

For instance let’s say that I need to learn lessons on how to cope with abandonment. I lost my dad when I was 8. Though I could not articulate the pain or loss, the fear and anxiety remain. Years later I subconsciously play it out with over-dependence on my close ones. This could irritate my daughter who needs to learn to cope with self-reliance. Surely there’s going to be blame, and fault-finding and the whole works.

If I could remember that she’s not here because of me or for me, she’s here to learn her lessons, and I can at best be there for her like the way I did when she was in her school, it would give me the distance and acceptance that there is nothing to blame anybody for. Everyone is who they are.

It has even given me an insight into the Gestalt Prayer.

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.
(Fritz Perls, 1969)

More than anything else it gives me the perspective and freedom. It liberates me and makes me responsible for myself. And it gives new insights into detachment, opening myself, independent of reasoning ability, to meet others’ blame with skill, grace and ease.

So how can I live in harmony?

I need to let go of worn-out limited beliefs. I simply have to accept that everybody is in their rightful orbit. There are more possibilities than what I can comprehend. There is a guiding hand in everyone’s life.

And this too will pass.

Shyleswari Rao runs a training organization Ved Vyas Inner Space and conducts workshops on Personal Mastery which are highly interactive, experiential and insightful for organizations, NGOs and educational institutions. Please visit www.vedvyasinnerspace.com or contact her at shylahrd@gmail.com.

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