Meaningful communication comes from kindness and creativity!
Communication is the link between two people yet we go to inordinate lengths to make it complex and difficult. I have never understood the logic behind this ice-breaker that I hear often: “If you promise not to mind then I have something to say.” Of course, it implies that whatever is to be said is unpleasant. This opening gambit has always surprised me. Why would anyone insist on saying something knowing that it would not be pleasant? Of course, the gambit also permits the speaker to remain on the good side of the listener and criticize him to his heart’s content. The use of psychology in this is beautiful. Very rarely does a recipient ever say: “If there are chances that I may not like what is to be said then I do not want to hear it.” Rather, his curiosity aroused, he insists that he be told and that he is man enough to take any criticism. It is another matter that very few can really maintain their equanimity once they hear the permitted critical evaluation.
The number of people who actively invite criticism, avowing that they wish to improve themselves is also quite many. But it is generally a show of openness that is totally faked. If anyone has ever the kindness to point out their fault, they normally have arguments ready to counter it and their annoyance is complete. On the other hand intelligent people behave as if they have no idea of human nature. We employ servants and then expect them to be as knowledgeable and intelligent or passionately involved in our home or work as we are. Had the servant been a person of this calibre would he be your servant?
I have been against the negative management styles that I see around me, especially the way we counter an argument or statement to show that we are better than the others. Our management style is by scolding for mistakes made. We have some established notions of what is correct and what merits chastisement and we follow up on it with gusto. If we go back in time a little, there was a time that most senior managers came from a similar social status and educational backgrounds and there were not many faults to find with each other. But today people from vastly different economic, cultural and financial backgrounds come together and there is always bound to be something amongst our brethrens that may rub us the wrong way. The mature guy takes it in his stride but most tend to compare the other with their own selves and get irritated. The result is “scolding and flare-ups” all around us. The manager takes the route of righteousness and encloses himself in indignation and the employee gets dejected because he simply never is made to understand the “why” of it. Is it so difficult to understand that we can discuss things and that there is no real need to chastise? I have seen many people who can say their point of view only in anger. They will normally keep quiet and let things slide and then one day they burst in anger and all the dammed up complaints come out in one go in a vehement show of anger. It is so immature, this behaviour. An unpleasant action should be brought to notice and discussed right there and then and as far as possible without anger; this eliminates misunderstandings and stops the incident from being repeated in its track. Of course, if the other side continues to insist on his behaviour then a stronger dose of show of displeasure is called for.
We follow this approach even in the upbringing of our children. I have again never been able to understand this attitude. My daughter is 16 months old and is now everywhere and into everything. I think it is her natural curiosity and she should be allowed to explore. But everyone who sees me with her complains that I am not scolding her enough and that if she is not made to understand the correct ways, she will become uncontrollable and end up totally spoilt. My point of view is that she is too young to understand and that this can come later when I am in a position to explain to her the pros and cons of each action. Right now it is all play for her. More often than not she is aping me. How can I scold her when she has done no real wrong and surely no deliberate mischief? And why, even if I have something to say, why should I scold her? It will only kill her curiosity and stunt her persona. I use the method of distraction when things are getting out of hand and employ her attention elsewhere.
When we pre-empt others in speech or action and try to control them in many other million ways, we are only exercising the primary human tendency to regulate everything around us. We have a very high opinion of ourselves most of the time until disaster strikes and for a while we see our faults and reflect. We are quite certain about our wisdom and abilities and we even prove it and justify ourselves by quoting earlier “greats & gurus” as if we were on par with them while we have nothing to say from our own fount of experience and learning, except perhaps a few biting words and make the world aware of our own merits in comparison to the demerits of the rest of the world!
The solution to these situations is to develop a little charity in our thinking. Kindness and creativity is needed. We need to help the other learn if he is willing. Berating will only create stiff opposition and bad blood. We need friends around us; in it lies our own happiness.
Pradeep Maheshwari is a counsellor combining numerology and psychology. He can be contacted at s164gk1@yahoo.com.
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