Is being constantly offended and irritated a strategy?
This quote popped out to me like a shot. And it put into beautiful words something that I was trying to understand. Everything became clear in a flash. Edward R Murrow says: Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.
That doesn’t leave much doubt, does it? This is how I have been feeling and interpreting my experience; here is somebody who not only agrees with me but he has put the same into such lucid words. I can see my entire experiences reflected in this one sentence. The irony in this observation is that no one will agree that they are being difficult just to prove that they are also somebody. From an exterior angle most behaviours and utterances can easily be interpreted in many different hues. Is there a deciding parameter to justify who is being difficult and who is being critical, diffident or nice? No and there is no point going into it.
The truth is always way above and out of the realm of arguments. If a state of argument exists then the first principle that it is not the truth is already at work. So instead of arguments many people use the vehicle of incrimination to keep the others offguard. There is not only an element of purposeful insincerity but also a malevolent intent. It is bullying in the most gentlemanly manner. They keep on throwing verbal stones of accusations and leave you only two options: either you start a long diatribe of explanations which in turn get ripped and require more self-deprecating explanations thereby binding you in an unending jam or you show indignation and try to out shout/argue the other guy down. Either way you have lost because the oppressor has got you where he wanted you. If you try to hurt him back the bully then gets physically violent or threatens to and this sword is allowed to dangle over your head in practically a permanent state. Eventually as you are not made in the same insensitive mould your first instinct is to avoid all contacts and save yourself from irritating situations. But the sword is always dangling.
Talking theoretically may seem as if all is said and explained but my opinion is that until a point is illustrated, there is always a margin for impulsive and lax interpretations of a statement. As it is the words can convey only limited notions. The feeling and the 3D drama is fully lost in the telling. Still one thing can be said without much margin of error in interpretation that people do use a nose-up in the air style and keep others in perennial state of terror as to what barb is coming next. They are clever enough to translate every question or remark of yours into a perceived insult and then use it to pour invectives down on you; with a full bag of righteous justification for it.
This is a subject on which few can go one-up on me. I have a mother who is an expert at it. She has cultivated it to an art form. The regular show of this style can be seen on Indian TV Serials. My mother saw it in real life from her brothers as a lively young daughter of a rather important zamindar. She hasn’t forgotten it and lets no one else do so either. Her attitude has been steadily bolstered by the regular feed of this characterisation for the last 60 years in our movies. Then to add to my discomfort, now I have a first floor neighbour who along with his wife has made it into a duo act of some refinement.
I have an aunt who is a backbiter and congenital liar. Life forced me to go and live with her for a while. Even though it was a very long time ago I have still not gotten over it. In a few months my reputation as a rogue was making headlines in the family. Oh I admit I am a bit of a rascal and this is plainly shown by my irreverent attitude of arguing with my elders and questioning them at every command. Then I had this inspiration. In the midst of my whole family one day I used her own style of being offended and announced to the whole gathering that from that day onwards I was dead for her and there will be no further contact between us. That stumped her and since then I have known peace.
Falling back on my experience, I used the same trick on my neighbour. Now for two years I have refused to respond to him and I don’t say anything to him. I just do what I have to do. No discussions. He is now trapped in his own drama. If he cusses me, he will be seen as the attacker. And as far as possible I avoid him like the plague; even to the extent that I avoid “seeing” him so this does away for any need to even say good morning. Things are nice and cool for the time being.
For the whole of my life I have tried to come close to my mother but on my 60th birthday my patience snapped. I saw clearly that by showing her that I needed her, I have only allowed her to use my affections for her self-aggrandisement; I am a mere prop to her self-importance so I have let more than a little coolness & distance come between us. I never say anything to her so she cannot be offended and if what she is saying looks like fault-finding I don’t let her say it and stop her in mid-sentence. I have peace of mind and I am content. I do my thing; she does hers.
The trait of accusing and keeping a front of being offended is very common in the Indian character. But I can safely say even though it is generally the rule as all are in the same boat nobody has recognized it for the nagging negativity it brings into our way of thinking & behaviour. Without realizing it we are all unhappy, a little disturbed and irritated at any given times. How did this trait become so dominant in our ethos, I wonder?
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Once you realaize that all our truth is perception and there is no such thing as fact – neither in science nor in understanding – arguments start to take the form of information exchange. Suddenly there is no need to feel irritated or offended. Just turn around and leave that to the others …
I wouldn’t let anyone or anything occupy that much space in my head without paying rent.
this is a truth of life which one should understand which came out from the heart
This is wonderful -what an eye-opener!! My parents are both members of The Perpetually Offended (my father especially, having learned it at his mother’s knee), and it has made life very difficult for me.
I realize now that I have aided & abetted their behavior by engaging and responding to every comment. Oh my. It has cost me one husband already. I have a good partner now who points out this behavior to me, saying “the only way to win is to not play!”
I see the same behavior in myself, when I argue with him and defend my parents. Thank you very much for this post – as I said, it is quite the eye-opener for me. And thank you, Mr. Martin, for the comment about paying rent for the space they take up in my head! I will think of it every time I encounter one of The Perpetually Offended!