How To Be Depressed
“Depression was, indeed, the hand of a friend trying to press me down to the ground on which it was safe to stand–the ground of my own truth, my own nature with its complex mix of limits and gifts, liabilities and assets, darkness and light.” Parker Palmer
I’ve never been through pregnancy depression like Christina, I don’t think I’ve ever been “clinically” depressed. Well, maybe I have, but it certainly didn’t feel clinical. It felt morbid, cosmic, and unavoidably essential. When I was thirteen, my parents split for the umpteenth and final time and a few months later, my dad brought it to my attention that I’d been wearing the same hockey jersey for weeks and that I needed to start doing the dishes again. I was definitely depressed.
And there was the dark night after Magic Man flew back to London and the apartment felt like a keyless heartbreak hotel with barred windows. But my last extended dark night was about ten years ago. It was a new depth of crushing aloneness. Another break up, this time with Hot-but-Needy Actor Man in LA (I was equally needy) which triggered an exorcism of self doubt and psychic bile that, being thirty-something and ambitious, I just needed to get out of my system. (Note that it’s often not the actual loss that causes the depression – it’s all the crap that’s tied up in it that you needed to deal with anyway).
In that spell of depression I wore the same pair of butt-ripped Levi’s for weeks. I would lie in my backyard at two in the morning in nowhere New Mexico, smoking Marlboro’s, looking up at the stars, wondering about the fatality of scorpion bites, and praying for aliens to abduct me. (Not joking in any way). I cried every single day, sometimes twice a day, for weeks. I felt profoundly unheard….empty. As I’d fall asleep I felt as though chunks of my being were decomposing into the bed. It was a brutal ordeal of the psyche, but I knew I was being reborn. I did have faith that whatever new face was emerging, she would eventually smile back at me.
I learned a thousand subtle and mighty things about Life from those existential passages, but what I learned about depression itself is that, the more you resist it, the longer it lasts.
When depressed, I find it’s best to just be…depressed.
Happiness returns more quickly when you give yourself permission to be blue or any shade of black you need to be.
I understand that for some people, depression can be so severe as to be life threatening. It can grip a soul for decades. The kind of depression I’m addressing here falls somewhere within the category of disparaging life passages to profound melancholy, which is to say, likely manageable without drugs and positively surmountable. But I will go on record to say that, while I think medication for depression can be a viable option to break a cycle and regain one’s footing, I think we’re a culture overly prone to numbing out. And in doing so, we not only deny our own power, we carry our demons with us far longer than we have to.
How To Be Depressed So That Happiness Has a Better Chance of Returning — Sooner Rather Than Later
1. Give yourself full permission to be pathetic for a short period of time. In fact, relish the pathetic-ness. Enthusiastically wallow in self pity. If people let themselves have downer days more often, there might be fewer heart attacks and road rage. Being a total loser for a morning or a weekend isn’t the slippery slope to despair. It’s a direct route to what your emotions are trying to tell you: feel, heal, know thyself. And move on, more empowered than before.
2. Watch or read something depressing. Rent a some heart wrenching documentaries like, God Grew Tired of Us or War Dance and ball your eyes out. Chances are that your life will be looking pretty damn good in comparison.
3. Be incredibly, sublimely gentle with yourself, like you might be with a child or dear friend whom you deeply adore.
4. If someone who loves you asks how you are, admit to being blue. When a girl friend calls, let her know that it’s a dog day afternoon and that you’re happily in despair.
5. When the novelty of being depressed is starting to wear off, shake your arms above your head like you’re being saved by the Almighty Holy Spirit itself, turn on some loud opera music, and shout, “I’m depressed! I’m sooo depressed!” It is almost guaranteed that you will start laughing smirky giggles to deep belly laughs and you will decide to listen to the rhythm of your blues and keep on walking – more empowered than before.
6. Break your happiness fast with a treat. Write a kind note to yourself about how brave you are for being still in the dark, for standing down a monster or two. Dress up even if you work from home. Bring a plant to work and water it. Freshen up. And give yourself full permission to just be …. deeply happy.
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Even here…what you are trying and correctly indicating is to live through it and love it as well as long as it lasts…and finally to feel better resort to comparison as in:
“I had no shoes and I complained till I saw a man who had no feet!”
How right and apt!
Axee
hmmmm…what you suggest MIGHT work for people who don’t suffer from major depressive disorder. Clinical, suicidal depression does not respond to loud opera. Reading ANYTHING is impossible and watching something depressing on tv (if you have the attention span to actually watch) will just make it worse. It’s a matter of degree, I suppose.
Each day, one makes a decision to be happy and thankful for everything one has. Or to feel sorry for himself and be depressed.
Happiness or depression is a choice we make in our mindset. Think happy thoughts and happiness will abound you. Think depressing thoughts, and that’s what you will get.
People who are depressed are generally complainers and see the world cheated on them. They do not accept the responsibilities of their actions. They blame others for their condition.
Happy people solve problems as they come along. They are thankful for the smallest things, like the nice weather, food on the table, a family, etc
It’s all choices that we make each day!
If you are, I suggest attending a good church and get involved. Stop being self centered and give. Depressed people are selfish because they do not share their talent or time. They are so consummed with themselves. Happy people are out helping others
I feel like the author of this post has never actually suffered from anything worse than your garden variety bad mood, or perhaps the stereotypical movie break-up where Ben and Jerry’s, your best friends, and some cigarette induced self-reflection is all you need to get through the tough times. I remember a period of real depression I experienced in college that lingered on for at least a month. I was so tired it was all I could do to fix dinner, or do my laundry, which I did obsessively to get my mind off of the nothing that was getting me down. I’d watch anything I could find remotely positive to keep me from just staring at the wall, listlessly for hours. There was no such thing as “happily” admitting to being in some “dog day of despair” – I avoided all my calls because it was too much energy to have a conversation. Putting on jeans would have been a sign of improvement, but really, anything beyond a t-shirt and pj shorts was just too much work.
I kind of hate to read advice from surfacy people about how to combat a real depression – it takes more than opera and trite advice about allowing yourself to be “deeply happy.”
Interesting… how about being distressed?
I have been treated for depression many times and finally gave up on doctors and medications. When I read this article it really helped me. I had lost the 16 jobs in 12 years and stayed in bed for a month. I wanted to end it all. When I read 1-6 remedies I laughed out loud and decided yep that is what I need to do! In my mind I reminded myself just stupid it is to choose depression over laughing out loud and being silly and admitting my short comings and just stand up shake my hands and try all over again. I have sent this story to several people and hope to bring a smile to those that struggle sometimes.
Awesome tips…. nice and useful information that is very likably helpful to those chronically depressed or dejected misers.Thanks/…