A Horoscope Pisces Me Off

There are days when you are the pigeon and there are days when you are the statue. The trick lies in getting an early warning especially on the “statue days”, so that you can take in a deep breath and last out when your head is being held underwater. In my case the pigeon days are few and far between. It happens ever so suddenly and if I do not immediately take advantage of that tiny sliver of an opportunity I have only myself to blame. Horoscopes are helpful to take a sneak peek into the future. I read them regularly. My newspaper carries two of them (written by two different blokes) on Sunday. If you miss one of them while being stunned by their editorial, you can always read the other one without having to flip back on the pages. Tip for you: If you do not like the prediction for your own zodiac, try reading the one which says what you are looking for. If being a Scorpio does not bring me money this week, I am OK taking the prediction for Pisces if they are the ones with cash in the wallet.

Like it happened last month when I was going to have an all important discussion on salary hikes with the Big One. I checked what the week’s prediction was for Scorpio (my zodiac sign). It was not pretty. It said, “You will have a difficult time convincing a colleague (ahem, someone is being cryptic) about your point of view. Avoid arguments. Money matters will keep you worried.” Whoa! I needed a sanity check on this one. So I read up what the prediction for the week was for Taurus – my boss is Taurean. It said, “Avoid getting into an altercation with your colleagues about money matters.” There was no reason for the prediction to come true, but it did. The Big One must be reading the same newspaper.

I have a simple solution to this problem. I am taking writing out predictions not by zodiac signs but by topic. This horoscope is about the twelve things that matter to everyone regardless of what zodiac sign you are – crab (Cancer) or twin (Gemini). It works even if you follow the Chinese calendar and you are a pig or rooster or monkey. Net net, no matter what beast you are, I have a prediction for you. What’s more, it s a prediction you will like. Read this on a bad day and it wll cheer you up.

1. Health: You are in the pink of health. If someone asks you start exercising, remember, this week is not a good time to start. After all the year has 52 weeks. Choose an auspicious time to start the regime, not now.
2. Money: Money is coming your way. If you are facing a temporary cash crunch, don’t worry, you will get bailed out – remember how everyone gets a bailout package just before they go bankrupt? So chill. Think big. You ARE rich.
3. Romance: The opposite sex is called so because they have been going in the opposite direction. This week, your magnetic charm will work. So be prepared to read advice on money (point 2 above). So stuff will happen even to you. Honest. It has to…
4. Office: This will be the best week you have had in a long time. Your projects will all finish in time. Your work will be praised – even by that nasty person who sits in the corner table playing Solitaire all day. You will be given a raise and made to be the big cheese so you get an unlimited expense account right away. (Read point 2 and 3, who do you think will be popular? wink …wink…)
5. Shopping: Plan your shopping. You are going to be busy buying stuff all of next week to spend what will come your way this week. Some of the brands have strange spellings. Learn them. Remember your shoe size and color choice as you leave home. Credit cards will work. So go splurge.
6. Travel: This week will see you doing a lot of travelling to exotic places. By that I do not mean your long commute to the office. The Pizza Shop is not my idea of an exotic destination. Think out of the box or suitcase if you must. It could involve air travel – relax. Read section on Food to feel reassured.
7. Traffic: There will be no jams this week. You can drive like a maniac and everyone on the road will indulgently wait for you to drive past. You are in a hurry. You have stuff to do. We all understand. Read section 8 below.
8. Parking: Parking will be plentiful. That is going to last for the next seven days from the time you read this prediction. So save this one for a rainy day. That is the time you really need to park someplace and run to the nearest washroom. If in doubt read section on Traffic.
9. Telephone: The phone company will waive off charges for you to use the phone. This is that wee of the year when telephone companies like to give customers a surprise. Nothing like having a 100 free minutes added to your account – evey minute. You can even call your microwave for an hour and you will still have minutes left to spare. Oh yeah, there will be no telemarketing calls to receive – unless you are making them. Remember this could lead to what section 3 predicted.
10. Food: This is your lucky week. Even airlines food will taste delicious. This is the count no calories week. No matter how man helpings of chocolate cake you have you won’t resemble any of the animals mentioned in the zodiac sign – leave alone the sixth one in the chart.
11. Television: TV will feature your favorite program (including those that you secretly tape and delete diligently). There will be no annoying ads at crucial moments of sporting events – unless you have made any of those ads. In that case only the ad will play all day on all channels. So no matter who watches what channel, your ad will get the highest TRP ratings.
12. Emails: The office email server will be taken down for maintenance this week. They are upgrading stuff. If you don’t answer mails for a week, the world will take you off their mailing list. You will no longer get annoying emails that assign work to you.

If you feel I have not given enough good news in a certain section, leave a comment behind. We need to build a horoscope around these twelve vital areas and not zodiac signs.

You can read more articles on Humor at http://abhijitbhaduri.com/category/humor/

If you want to read the usual stuff on sun signs, here is a link to Linda Goodman’s sun signs.